The Email

June 25th, 2009

So, my boyfriend’s mom sent him this email prior to a weekend with her and her mother….

Dear xxxxxx,

When you come to Mooresville please bring my black computer cord. I think I left it in your bedroom. Also, there is a blue Delta blanket on the couch which I brought there. Could you bring that too?

There is a problem about mom’s house and you may want to stay in Thomas’ house after the first night. Mom’s toilet doesn’t flush big number twos. I had to wrap mine up in plastic bags and newspapers last night and put it in the garbage. It is really terrible but she has a toilet designed to use less water, for economy purposes. I try to go elsewhere if possible and you should too.

Also, mom doesn’t want you and Jane sleeping in the same room because you are not married. Jane can sleep in the room with me and you can either have the other guest room or sleep on the porch with Milly. I’ll try to get a sleeping bag from Thomas.

I am planning on making a vegetarian chilli pot for Jane. There is also ham and cheese for sandwiches and plenty of yoplait. You are to help yourselves to the refrigerator.

Talk to you soon.

Love, Mom

(submitted by anonymous)

155 Responses to “The Email”

  1. Steve says:

    “Sorry, but I’m going to be staying in the Motel 6. At least they have power flushing.”

  2. steve says:

    This woman could possibly become Jane’s mother-in-law. Sharing this on a worldwide stage – probably not the best way for Jane to build trust in the relationship.

    • Jor says:

      Seeing what she’s potentially going to, and how horrible she is at checking who her E-Mails go to, I think I don’t mind so much.

  3. nicswife says:

    oh man, you guys are so funny!

  4. Morag says:

    Given the existence of the guest bedroom, why is she even mentioning the porch option? Is he especially close to the dog??

  5. Lori says:

    so is dropping big number twos is a hereditary thing?

  6. Greatdaniel13 says:

    I’ve always been under the impression that women didn’t go #2.

  7. Melba says:

    Do NOT go home!
    If you see home, GO THE OTHER WAY!

  8. IAmNoOne says:

    At least she didn’t tell us about her booger collection.

    • El Kev says:

      I would rather hear about a booger collection anyday as opposed to description of fecal removal techniques.

      • JerseyPam says:

        I’d have to say they’re equally awkward. Anybody wanna hear about what just came out of my nose from laughing?

  9. Keirka says:

    Shut it down Mom, too much information!

  10. Spilo says:

    I’ve never tried vegetarian chili, but if it’s anything like the regular stuff I wouldn’t want everyone’s #2′s wrapped up in newspaper and laying in the trash can.

    Chili may have been a bad choice.

    “It’s so damn hot… milk was a bad choice.”

  11. djs says:

    “Hey Kid, here’s a dollar. Will you get away from us now?”

  12. Casey says:

    I am LOVING the stories people are sharing. Almost more than the pics! Great site!

  13. Becky says:

    “Mom’s toilet doesn’t flush big number twos. I had to wrap mine up in plastic bags and newspapers last night and put it in the garbage. ”

    OMG. There goes my appetite until 2010.

  14. Ann says:

    Hmmm, what’s worse, traveling out to go #2 or having to sleep with Milly (let’s hope it’s a dog?) on the porch?

  15. Emily says:

    I can totally see my mom writing this e-mail.

  16. JoMama says:

    Who’s Milly? The dog? Just what he wants to do…sleep on the porch with the freaking dog! Oy vey. And don’t s*** in Grandma’s toilet!!

  17. Spilo says:

    “I had to wrap mine up in plastic bags and newspapers last night and put it in the garbage.”

    Did she put the newspapers on the floor and hover, or did she fish her business out of the toilet?

    I mean, either way it’s….. awkward

  18. Jenany says:

    omg, my mother-in-law has an identical twin …

  19. Lily says:

    Sounds like a fantastic week-end they’re going to have… :D

  20. New girl on the block says:

    Toilet’s problems and vegetarian chilli. It sounds like a fun weekend to me.

  21. Tj says:

    What a warm welcome.

  22. Raine says:

    Thanks for the warning!

  23. Fleabitten says:

    Dear Mom,

    Please wash your hand before you make Jane’s vegetarian chili.

    Love,

    Sonny

  24. Pedro says:

    Clearly a family you want to get more involved with.

  25. Rich says:

    At least Little Number Twos don’t need to be wrapped in newspapers.

  26. Alex says:

    Oh wow. That’s pretty awkward when your mom comes out and admits that she goes #2. But then when she goes on to say that it was a big deuce and describe the shameful way it was removed and disposed of.. Wow.

  27. Lindsay says:

    So, apparently Mom refers to herself in the third person??

  28. Sile says:

    Really, mom, this isn’t the 50s.

  29. Chris says:

    The third person is general is flat out awkward.

  30. wreck says:

    SO wrong — on SO many levels!

  31. Jennifer H says:

    Wow! this sounds like an email from my Mom. Is there a Holiday Inn nearby?!?>!?!?

  32. Adam says:

    Um, great story, but anonymity fail, there Jane.

  33. Señor_Citizen says:

    I wanted to stop reading after I reached the words “…big number twos…”, but it was too late.
    Like a wreck on the side of the highway, I just couldn’t look away.
    May God forgive me.

  34. Ohnoyoudi'n't says:

    Only one thing to say… TMI

  35. karn mulva says:

    Oooohh….sounds like it will be a fun visit!

  36. Angela says:

    OH! OH! OH! Way too much information about her number twos!

  37. Teri says:

    Oh Lord…sounds like a stellar weekend visit! Please tell me you stayed at the Motel 8!

  38. CG says:

    OMG. I think I am going to HURL. The thought of mom fishing out what she broke off in the toilet bowl….*ick*

  39. Darcy says:

    sounds like between the chili, ham and cheese and yoplait that he should also bring plenty of plastic bags and newspaper

  40. Overmatter says:

    So, Jane’s supposed to poop in the vegetarian chili pot and the boyfriend gets the fridge?

  41. heather says:

    I hope the yoplait isn’t really activia.

  42. lucy says:

    This is the best, most awkward email EVER!!!!!!

  43. Christina says:

    I hate those low-flow toilets. I love power flushes!

  44. Stu E says:

    “Oh shoot, mom! I just found out that I have this big deal meeting at work and I CANNOT miss it. Hopefully, we can all get together with Grammy some other time. I think I have some vacation days coming in 2012, around the end of September.” I like the mom’s decisive disposal of her feces. I don’t know that I would go to such lengths myself.

  45. Awful (not awkward) in so many ways.

  46. Will says:

    hahaha — that is great! Nothing like making some “vegetarian chilli pot” after taking care of business…

  47. Robert says:

    Given the plumbing situation, I’d say Mum’s on the right track with the chili and yoplait. This is gonna be a long weekend.

  48. Annie says:

    That sounds like something many of my family members would write. Excepting the part about no premarital co sleeping, I’d write something like that. I guess I’m awkward.

  49. Insanewiches says:

    There’s a whole lotta awkwardness going on in that story. And is Milly the dog?

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