The Email
June 25th, 2009
So, my boyfriend’s mom sent him this email prior to a weekend with her and her mother….
Dear xxxxxx,
When you come to Mooresville please bring my black computer cord. I think I left it in your bedroom. Also, there is a blue Delta blanket on the couch which I brought there. Could you bring that too?
There is a problem about mom’s house and you may want to stay in Thomas’ house after the first night. Mom’s toilet doesn’t flush big number twos. I had to wrap mine up in plastic bags and newspapers last night and put it in the garbage. It is really terrible but she has a toilet designed to use less water, for economy purposes. I try to go elsewhere if possible and you should too.
Also, mom doesn’t want you and Jane sleeping in the same room because you are not married. Jane can sleep in the room with me and you can either have the other guest room or sleep on the porch with Milly. I’ll try to get a sleeping bag from Thomas.
I am planning on making a vegetarian chilli pot for Jane. There is also ham and cheese for sandwiches and plenty of yoplait. You are to help yourselves to the refrigerator.
Talk to you soon.
Love, Mom
(submitted by anonymous)
That chili should make those number 2′s flushable.
Wow. This might me my Mom’s twin. I’m still laughing!
Just sleep on the porch with Millie, and take big poops on the newspaper like Millie did when she was a puppy. Just wrap ‘em up and think “good times…good times with friends and family.”
I have to admit, I possibly could not agree with you in 100%, but it is simply my personal opinion, that indeed could be incorrect.
Soooo…is he married to Milly?
At least mom uses apostrophes correctly. Dear lord, she should have just let her son take his chances rather than share all that info.
What about the poor garbageman!
:lol :lol LMAO xD
No! No more! Hysteria has taken hold of me!
My misfortune to be eating while I was reading through this post.
I have giggled and laughed through all of these postings. What a hoot! Thank you…
I’m sure the vegetarian chili and Yoplait will go wonderfully with the non-functioning toilet.
Everyone brace yourselves!!!!
Dear Mom,
Why do you refer to Grandma as “Mom”? This is very confusing and annoying to read–you’ve been known to talk in third person at awkward times and I’m having problems deciding whether you’re talking about you or your mother. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t think the worst of me and Jane–we haven’t been sleeping together yet and definitely weren’t planning on doing it at your house. And while I love your cooking, it is experimental at best and neither I nor Jane are vegetarians. In other words, we will be consuming the ham and cheese, but I’m a little iffy about the Yoplait.
Also, there is a quick cure to a low-flush economy toilet–replacing it with a normal toilet that may or may not use six or seven gallons of water (Gasp! Horror!) at a time. It also takes hundreds of years for plastic to degrade, and you just killed several trees using newspaper that COULD have been recycled.
And another thing…I believe you gave me a name the day I was born, and somehow I don’t recall seeing xxxxxx on my birth certificate. But if that is what you wish to call me from now on, I will be more than happy to refer to myself as “The Six Xs.” In fact, that’s kinda catchy.
One more thing–I’d appreciate it if you’d forget about Thomas’s sleeping bag. He has lice. End of discussion.
I’d be happy to bring your power cord and blanket.
Love,
XXXXXX (or The Six Xs)
Can you imagine the perpetual courtesy flush frustration followed by the ingenious brown trout fishing expedition, then storing it in plastic finished off by mentioning it in an email to your son who shares it with his girlfriend that is a major fan of awkwardfamilyphotos.com?!?!?! I can’t wait for Thanksgiving!
Good thing Al Bundy isn’t due this weekend
She had to wrap it up in newspaper and plastic? OK! Low flow toilets leads me to assume she had to fish something out….. oh hell, let’s just NOT GO THERE!
I literally had to leave the room because I was laughing so loud, I am at work right now. Joanne, that is the best.
What is up with her mentioning big number 2s and how he can’t do them at Gramma’s house and she’s making chilli??? I mean heeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooo. OMG. This is hillarious.
really….? the porch? if there is a guest room, why doesnt the girlfriend sleep in there because she is a guest of the family…and the son and mom share a bed.
that would be so awkward to share a bed with your future mother-in-law….
Mom thinks it’s awkward that Jane’s a vegetarian. She hasn’t told Nana because she doesn’t like to talk about anything embarrassing.
Whoever wrote this is a spectacular “event magnet” busybody. Can you feel how inevitably they’re going to bring up Jane’s being a vegetarian a hundred times during the visit?
I’m still working on what the heck required plastic bags *and* newspapers…. and what required describing that in any detail at all. Hint: if in the course of telling your story, you indirectly reveal that you produce “big number twos,” you have included too much detail.
If big #2s are an issue, maybe chili isn’t the best idea.
yeah thats what i was thinking, hahaha
I KNOW RIGHT!!! That was my first thought! Who makes CHILI in a house that cant handle poop? HELLO!
toilet problems? STAY AWAY FROM THE CHILI!
have to share a room with your boyfriends mom? STAY AWAY FROM THE CHILI!
Can we have an “Awkward Family Emails” site? Please!
Dear Mom,
What the hell were you doing in my room again with your blanket and computer cord???
Love, xxxxxxx
Okay, now I have to go upstairs. You guys are killing me!
I sure hope Jane didn’t eat the chilli…
Mom:
Don’t have to worry about Jane…. unfortunately, something suddenly came up and she has to stay home….. I’m might have to stay home with her……
Love,
xxxx
Maybe if you didn’t eat so much Yoplait you wouldn’t have such big poops, mom.
Go, Donna, Go, Donna…LOL!
Mom,
I believe I will go elsewhere…
Signed,
xxxxxx
“Wow, something just came up and I’m not going to be able to make it to grandma’s this weekend”
ham and cheese for the vegetarian.
I was waiting for someone to catch that….it would be even funnier if she was Kosher.
AND Yoplait (which has gelatin in it). I love how oblivious people are about what is vegetarian. The chili is probably chicken chili cause chicken is ok for vegetarians right?
i’m just thinking how smart is it to make a pot of chili; which should be full of beans, especially for a vegetarian, when you can’t take a poop nearby?? way to go mom.
I was waiting for someone to mention chili and the no pooping thing. And the visual of pooping in plastic bags is a stain on my mind’s eye I will never be able to fully erase!
I think that the reason she suggested he stay somewhere else is because she knows how his stomach gets after eating chili. LOL
P.S. Can you bring your own oxygen too? Don’t forget the dime-a-dozen computer cord and my germ-laden airline blanket!
the number 8 kinda bothered me in this photo lol
Ok – your comment bothers me a bit. The number 8 in this photo, is it? Well then.
These are the kind of people that live in my town?
Don’t forget my blanket I stole off the airplane from my last trip please, son. And trash pickup isn’t until next Tuesday, so if you could pick up some air fresheners on the way, I’d appreciate it.
You can throw as many pine scent car fresheners at you want at it. Heck, pretend you’re a ninja taking down a Miyakishi Dragon, the aroma ain’t gonna back down.
Priceless comment, BTW
HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I was starting to think I was the only one that caught that! Too funny!!
But Aunt Marney said to please not get pine or cherry scented air fresheners, as they give Mike a headache. (You know how he is!) She also said that it’s best to not get the pina colada ones either because someone might get high from the fumes and try to use a casserole dish that is non-regulation. Perhaps you could get the air fresheners that you leave in the little bag, so Aunt Marney can control the scent dispersion.
Lol to shelia’s non-regulation casserole dish. the horrors of appeasing crazed family members, particularly your mother…
WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joanne, that’s just brilliant.
What about Jane sleeping in the same room as her boyfriend’s mother on top of everything else?
What’s wrong with that? I shared a room with my mother-in-law when my husband and I were still dating. I’ve even shared a bed with her when she’s visited our home. (and she plays for the other team!) It wasn’t awkward at all. Sometimes, limited space in a home forces you to share. Get over it. It’s just sleeping!
Relax, Michael Jackson said he was only “sleeping” and look where that got him. Answering to charges of child molestation… How does an insomniac justify that it is only sleeping when he needed extreme medication to sleep? Anyway this email is hilarious…..
Maybe if xxxxxxxx and Jane pick up a little Jesus Juice on the way to grandmas no one will care where they poop or sleep.
Jane..why ya sharing my emails???
ABORT! ABORT!
The only thing missing is a description of the smells…wow…Maybe sonny should just stay home, plug in the laptop with mom’s cord, and burrow down into that delta blanket. He could tell them he was “feeling poorly, and too disturbed to visit just now”…
seriously!
What´s up with environmentalists and this low flow thing??? OMG, do we really prefer number twos IN PLASTIC BAGS? They will last for two hundred years!
P.S.: Mom, try a bucket. Fill a BIG bucket with lots of water and there you go. I mean, there it (hopefully) goes. Best wishes, Son.
What does Grandma do with big poops?
The elderly are often constipated. I bet Grandma’d give anything to have to break out the newspapers and plastic bags.
Hahaha
If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown… let it mellow.
I cannot breathe after reading this one. well done.
Oh dear god. Lisa got me too. I can’t breathe or see and I think I have to poop.
Grandma doesn’t have big poops. Grandma doesn’t poop unless she drinks a gallon or two of Metamucil. That was in 1982.
Sooooo funny! Laughing so hard I’m crying!
Really, I’m gonna have to low flush my pants if I don’t stop laughing.
Maybe Grandma needs to take some nerve pills and go to a softball game
She eats a lot of yogurt! lol
Grandma only has little mouse poops. Well, rabbit poops if she eats chili…..
I sure hope xxxxxx and Jane stayed with Thomas or got a hotel/motel room.
As for xxxxxx and Jane not being able to share a room at grandma’s house, grandma does have the right to make whatever rules she pleases in her own home. *shrugs*
I agree!
I agree, but if my grandma were so intolerant, I would end the relationship and never come to her house. I have a right not to be in relationship with her and refuse to come in the house.
I don’t think anyone was arguing that grandma doesn’t have the right to her own rules in the house.
Doesn’t mean they are rational reasonable rules that anyone would be willing to tolerate.
One of my OCD friends has handwashing rules and sanitation rules that must be followed in his house. For example, I must wash my hands if I pick my nose or touch food. I have to wash hands before flushing to toilet after going to the bathroom, and only use a paper towel to turn the facet on.
Instead of complying with his rules, I just told him he’s crazy and refuse to go to his house or be his friend anymore.
I don’t see anything wrong/irrational/intolerant with Grandma telling unmarried people they can’t sleep in the same bed at her house. What if there are children in the house? The couple can do what they want in their own house, but I would never have dreamed of disrespecting my Grandma by asking to sleep with my boyfriend in her house. It’s called self-control. I don’t think they’ll die if they go a night or two without doing the horizontal lambada! I certainly don’t think it’s worth giving up a relationship with your grandmother over. She will always be Grandma, and that girlfriend/boyfriend most likely is temporary.
“horizontal lambada”
*chuckle*
Oh, and I agree!
Is this a true story? You told your friend they were crazy for asking you to wash your hands after touching a toilet or picking your nose? You would stop talking to your grandma for making one old fashioned request?
I know this is an older post but it’s amazingly self centered not to mention unsanitary. OCD or not, you should wash your hands after touching toilets and picking your nose.
Dear Mom,
Tell grandma to call the plumber and have the toilet fixed ASAP. I’m not fishing anything out of the toilet and I am not driving to a local convenience store to do “number 2″. Jane and I should be allowed to sleep in the same bed, we do it anyway. What’s the big deal?
I’m not sleeping on the porch with Milly-her breath is the pits.
Please tell me you washed your hands thoroughly before making the chili. I was really grossed out about you having to use newspapers and bags as the toilet wasn’t flushing.
I guess Jane and I should pack plenty of Imodium just in case the plumber can’t fix the toilet!
See you soon…I’ll remember the cord and blanket.
Love,
Jake
lol, Joanne, just had to say your reply is funny as hell!
bravo!
HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
There is a little bar in our county that has septic trouble every spring when the water table raises. They post a sign on the door that states, “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.” I laugh and laugh….after one does flush, it’s always a guessing game whether it’s actually going to happen!
Ummm, what country is that? And what is the name of the bar? Not that I want to visit, just asking.
Joanne! I can’t stop laughing! Just when I thought the original letter was hilarious I read your comment! That is awesome!!
It do elevate awkward to side splitting don’t it.
Awesome!
HAHAHAHAHA…
Holy s*** that is funny!!!!
O-M-G!!!! LOL!!!! I have tears with this comment..the best!
I really can’t breathe now. It took me three tries just to get through the INITIAL email, let alone your reply.
*wipes tears away*
Hotel anyone?