The Email

June 25th, 2009

So, my boyfriend’s mom sent him this email prior to a weekend with her and her mother….

Dear xxxxxx,

When you come to Mooresville please bring my black computer cord. I think I left it in your bedroom. Also, there is a blue Delta blanket on the couch which I brought there. Could you bring that too?

There is a problem about mom’s house and you may want to stay in Thomas’ house after the first night. Mom’s toilet doesn’t flush big number twos. I had to wrap mine up in plastic bags and newspapers last night and put it in the garbage. It is really terrible but she has a toilet designed to use less water, for economy purposes. I try to go elsewhere if possible and you should too.

Also, mom doesn’t want you and Jane sleeping in the same room because you are not married. Jane can sleep in the room with me and you can either have the other guest room or sleep on the porch with Milly. I’ll try to get a sleeping bag from Thomas.

I am planning on making a vegetarian chilli pot for Jane. There is also ham and cheese for sandwiches and plenty of yoplait. You are to help yourselves to the refrigerator.

Talk to you soon.

Love, Mom

(submitted by anonymous)

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155 Responses to “The Email”

  1. Doug says:

    That chili should make those number 2′s flushable.

  2. AZ IT Dude says:

    Wow. This might me my Mom’s twin. I’m still laughing!

  3. Laura says:

    Just sleep on the porch with Millie, and take big poops on the newspaper like Millie did when she was a puppy. Just wrap ‘em up and think “good times…good times with friends and family.”

  4. food permits says:

    I have to admit, I possibly could not agree with you in 100%, but it is simply my personal opinion, that indeed could be incorrect.

  5. Bruce says:

    Soooo…is he married to Milly?

  6. GG says:

    At least mom uses apostrophes correctly. Dear lord, she should have just let her son take his chances rather than share all that info.

  7. cadsam says:

    What about the poor garbageman!

  8. BlushingCheekz says:

    :lol :lol LMAO xD

  9. Martha says:

    No! No more! Hysteria has taken hold of me!

  10. Alicia says:

    My misfortune to be eating while I was reading through this post.

  11. Yvonne says:

    I have giggled and laughed through all of these postings. What a hoot! Thank you…

  12. Jeff says:

    I’m sure the vegetarian chili and Yoplait will go wonderfully with the non-functioning toilet.

    Everyone brace yourselves!!!!

  13. Kira says:

    Dear Mom,
    Why do you refer to Grandma as “Mom”? This is very confusing and annoying to read–you’ve been known to talk in third person at awkward times and I’m having problems deciding whether you’re talking about you or your mother. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t think the worst of me and Jane–we haven’t been sleeping together yet and definitely weren’t planning on doing it at your house. And while I love your cooking, it is experimental at best and neither I nor Jane are vegetarians. In other words, we will be consuming the ham and cheese, but I’m a little iffy about the Yoplait.
    Also, there is a quick cure to a low-flush economy toilet–replacing it with a normal toilet that may or may not use six or seven gallons of water (Gasp! Horror!) at a time. It also takes hundreds of years for plastic to degrade, and you just killed several trees using newspaper that COULD have been recycled.
    And another thing…I believe you gave me a name the day I was born, and somehow I don’t recall seeing xxxxxx on my birth certificate. But if that is what you wish to call me from now on, I will be more than happy to refer to myself as “The Six Xs.” In fact, that’s kinda catchy.
    One more thing–I’d appreciate it if you’d forget about Thomas’s sleeping bag. He has lice. End of discussion.
    I’d be happy to bring your power cord and blanket.
    Love,
    XXXXXX (or The Six Xs)

  14. Dave says:

    Can you imagine the perpetual courtesy flush frustration followed by the ingenious brown trout fishing expedition, then storing it in plastic finished off by mentioning it in an email to your son who shares it with his girlfriend that is a major fan of awkwardfamilyphotos.com?!?!?! I can’t wait for Thanksgiving!

  15. Larry N says:

    Good thing Al Bundy isn’t due this weekend

  16. Jack says:

    She had to wrap it up in newspaper and plastic? OK! Low flow toilets leads me to assume she had to fish something out….. oh hell, let’s just NOT GO THERE!

  17. Marci says:

    I literally had to leave the room because I was laughing so loud, I am at work right now. Joanne, that is the best.

  18. Aileen says:

    What is up with her mentioning big number 2s and how he can’t do them at Gramma’s house and she’s making chilli??? I mean heeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooo. OMG. This is hillarious.

  19. Amanda says:

    really….? the porch? if there is a guest room, why doesnt the girlfriend sleep in there because she is a guest of the family…and the son and mom share a bed.

    that would be so awkward to share a bed with your future mother-in-law….

  20. Jay says:

    Mom thinks it’s awkward that Jane’s a vegetarian. She hasn’t told Nana because she doesn’t like to talk about anything embarrassing.

  21. Tocsnai says:

    Whoever wrote this is a spectacular “event magnet” busybody. Can you feel how inevitably they’re going to bring up Jane’s being a vegetarian a hundred times during the visit?

    I’m still working on what the heck required plastic bags *and* newspapers…. and what required describing that in any detail at all. Hint: if in the course of telling your story, you indirectly reveal that you produce “big number twos,” you have included too much detail.

  22. Juiceboxhero says:

    If big #2s are an issue, maybe chili isn’t the best idea.

  23. ann says:

    toilet problems? STAY AWAY FROM THE CHILI!
    have to share a room with your boyfriends mom? STAY AWAY FROM THE CHILI!

  24. The Nerd says:

    Can we have an “Awkward Family Emails” site? Please!

  25. MB says:

    Dear Mom,
    What the hell were you doing in my room again with your blanket and computer cord???
    Love, xxxxxxx

  26. EM says:

    I sure hope Jane didn’t eat the chilli…

  27. Cherriej says:

    Mom:

    Don’t have to worry about Jane…. unfortunately, something suddenly came up and she has to stay home….. I’m might have to stay home with her……

    Love,
    xxxx

  28. dameDonna says:

    Maybe if you didn’t eat so much Yoplait you wouldn’t have such big poops, mom.

  29. T-Money says:

    Mom,

    I believe I will go elsewhere…

    Signed,
    xxxxxx

  30. John Kimbrough says:

    “Wow, something just came up and I’m not going to be able to make it to grandma’s this weekend”

  31. GasMoney says:

    ham and cheese for the vegetarian.

    • HAH says:

      I was waiting for someone to catch that….it would be even funnier if she was Kosher.

      • annaliesa says:

        AND Yoplait (which has gelatin in it). I love how oblivious people are about what is vegetarian. The chili is probably chicken chili cause chicken is ok for vegetarians right? :P

        • hs says:

          i’m just thinking how smart is it to make a pot of chili; which should be full of beans, especially for a vegetarian, when you can’t take a poop nearby?? way to go mom.

          • stacis says:

            I was waiting for someone to mention chili and the no pooping thing. And the visual of pooping in plastic bags is a stain on my mind’s eye I will never be able to fully erase!

        • Shelia says:

          I think that the reason she suggested he stay somewhere else is because she knows how his stomach gets after eating chili. LOL

  32. DC says:

    P.S. Can you bring your own oxygen too? Don’t forget the dime-a-dozen computer cord and my germ-laden airline blanket!

  33. Patric says:

    the number 8 kinda bothered me in this photo lol

  34. Pg says:

    These are the kind of people that live in my town?

  35. LoveFromMn says:

    Don’t forget my blanket I stole off the airplane from my last trip please, son. And trash pickup isn’t until next Tuesday, so if you could pick up some air fresheners on the way, I’d appreciate it.

    • Cloud says:

      You can throw as many pine scent car fresheners at you want at it. Heck, pretend you’re a ninja taking down a Miyakishi Dragon, the aroma ain’t gonna back down.

      Priceless comment, BTW ;)

    • JJ says:

      HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I was starting to think I was the only one that caught that! Too funny!!

    • Shelia says:

      But Aunt Marney said to please not get pine or cherry scented air fresheners, as they give Mike a headache. (You know how he is!) She also said that it’s best to not get the pina colada ones either because someone might get high from the fumes and try to use a casserole dish that is non-regulation. Perhaps you could get the air fresheners that you leave in the little bag, so Aunt Marney can control the scent dispersion.

  36. dale troutman says:

    Joanne, that’s just brilliant.

  37. scooterluv says:

    What about Jane sleeping in the same room as her boyfriend’s mother on top of everything else?

    • Jennifer says:

      What’s wrong with that? I shared a room with my mother-in-law when my husband and I were still dating. I’ve even shared a bed with her when she’s visited our home. (and she plays for the other team!) It wasn’t awkward at all. Sometimes, limited space in a home forces you to share. Get over it. It’s just sleeping!

      • DJ B says:

        Relax, Michael Jackson said he was only “sleeping” and look where that got him. Answering to charges of child molestation… How does an insomniac justify that it is only sleeping when he needed extreme medication to sleep? Anyway this email is hilarious…..

        • AZSally says:

          Maybe if xxxxxxxx and Jane pick up a little Jesus Juice on the way to grandmas no one will care where they poop or sleep.

  38. ox says:

    Jane..why ya sharing my emails???

  39. Lili says:

    ABORT! ABORT!

  40. The only thing missing is a description of the smells…wow…Maybe sonny should just stay home, plug in the laptop with mom’s cord, and burrow down into that delta blanket. He could tell them he was “feeling poorly, and too disturbed to visit just now”…

  41. two graphic in nature says:

    What´s up with environmentalists and this low flow thing??? OMG, do we really prefer number twos IN PLASTIC BAGS? They will last for two hundred years!

    P.S.: Mom, try a bucket. Fill a BIG bucket with lots of water and there you go. I mean, there it (hopefully) goes. Best wishes, Son.

  42. Reg says:

    What does Grandma do with big poops?

  43. Hairball says:

    I sure hope xxxxxx and Jane stayed with Thomas or got a hotel/motel room.

    As for xxxxxx and Jane not being able to share a room at grandma’s house, grandma does have the right to make whatever rules she pleases in her own home. *shrugs*

    • TJ says:

      I agree!

      • Josep says:

        I agree, but if my grandma were so intolerant, I would end the relationship and never come to her house. I have a right not to be in relationship with her and refuse to come in the house.

        I don’t think anyone was arguing that grandma doesn’t have the right to her own rules in the house.
        Doesn’t mean they are rational reasonable rules that anyone would be willing to tolerate.

        One of my OCD friends has handwashing rules and sanitation rules that must be followed in his house. For example, I must wash my hands if I pick my nose or touch food. I have to wash hands before flushing to toilet after going to the bathroom, and only use a paper towel to turn the facet on.

        Instead of complying with his rules, I just told him he’s crazy and refuse to go to his house or be his friend anymore.

        • Shelia says:

          I don’t see anything wrong/irrational/intolerant with Grandma telling unmarried people they can’t sleep in the same bed at her house. What if there are children in the house? The couple can do what they want in their own house, but I would never have dreamed of disrespecting my Grandma by asking to sleep with my boyfriend in her house. It’s called self-control. I don’t think they’ll die if they go a night or two without doing the horizontal lambada! I certainly don’t think it’s worth giving up a relationship with your grandmother over. She will always be Grandma, and that girlfriend/boyfriend most likely is temporary.

        • r henry says:

          Is this a true story? You told your friend they were crazy for asking you to wash your hands after touching a toilet or picking your nose? You would stop talking to your grandma for making one old fashioned request?

          I know this is an older post but it’s amazingly self centered not to mention unsanitary. OCD or not, you should wash your hands after touching toilets and picking your nose.

  44. Joanne says:

    Dear Mom,
    Tell grandma to call the plumber and have the toilet fixed ASAP. I’m not fishing anything out of the toilet and I am not driving to a local convenience store to do “number 2″. Jane and I should be allowed to sleep in the same bed, we do it anyway. What’s the big deal?
    I’m not sleeping on the porch with Milly-her breath is the pits.

    Please tell me you washed your hands thoroughly before making the chili. I was really grossed out about you having to use newspapers and bags as the toilet wasn’t flushing.

    I guess Jane and I should pack plenty of Imodium just in case the plumber can’t fix the toilet!

    See you soon…I’ll remember the cord and blanket.

    Love,
    Jake

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