Awkward Family Story: Meet the Dummy

July 6th, 2009

Growing up I’d always been used to being mortifyingly embarassed by my mother, who used to assert that all children felt the same way about their parents. Whilst this is obviously true to an extent, I eventually did realize that my own mother was worse than most.

Settling into university and making new friends is always going to be a big thing, and having two friends to stay at home after a drunken night out, my mother (them being two giggly girls) felt in good company enough to invite them upstairs excitedly whilst I was out of the room. The girls – also in possession of terrible hangovers – mystified but intrigued, followed my mother where they were told to close their eyes for a mere moment. When they opened them, my mother was sitting on the edge of her bed with her brand spanking new ventriloquist doll, apparently deciding it would be an appropriate morning to perform an impromptu comedy sketch. Awkward.

P.S. The doll mysteriously went missing not long after, and while I wasn’t actually responsible, I’m utterly grateful.

(submitted by Tweety)

87 Responses to “Awkward Family Story: Meet the Dummy”

  1. Chris says:

    Wow, not sure if this site should have this section. Funny story, didn’t find it awkward, but still interesting. What is awkward is all the comments that constantly point out mistakes in grammar etc. Not everyone has the time or even cares to type out the story on Office, spellcheck, rewrite blah blah blah. Shut up already. How do you like that for grammar?

    • Lil' says:

      Thank you! I completely agree…except for the part where you said the story isn’t awkward. I think it’s one of the most awkward college/parent stories I’ve ever heard.

  2. emily says:

    I just have to point out that the language in this is absolutely horrible and contrived. “Whilst” is used completely wrong, and reading it made my brain hurt. It would actually be funny if written out normally.

  3. May Ann Naze says:

    That story is fantastic! Are you sure your mom hadn’t been hitting the scotch herself?

  4. threedaymeatsale says:

    LOOK!!!! The author of this story is a weak and fallible person! They made some mistakes. We should break it apart and piss on them for their heresy. Why, if it weren’t for crap like the story above, this website would be overrun with these tacky; confusing stories. Heck, this website might crumble into a sophomoric humor site. I bet it would be a site full of pictures and very few words. I’m pretty sure you could make a whole site just dedicated to embarrassing, or dated photos. Hmmmm…….. Oh-my-friggin’……..They do have a website like that. As a matter of fact… we are on it…….RIGHT NOW!!!

    Don’t forget. This is like a puzzle. You need to figure out how many mistakes I just made above, and in this pile o’ words here at the bottom. Then using the preceding key, write a full page comment explaining why I am proof of man’s devolution: Misspelled word = Pretty Dumb/Could Be Typo, Incorrect Grammar = Couldn’t find your way out of wet paper bag. Because even if your job is smashing photons together in a machine that’s worth more than Trump Tower, you’re still a complete moron if you make a mistake whilst writing a story.

  5. John Conner the blue kitten says:

    YOU’VE BEEN LEARNED!!
    But what a rather lovvvvely story.
    I want to meet your mum, she sounds delicious.

  6. Justine says:

    You are all on the wrong website if you are here to criticize the grammar or writing. The rest of us are here to enjoy and laugh at the stories and pictures. Get past the big words and learn to lighten up a bit.

  7. SoenSoe says:

    That’s hilarious. Your mom rules. A little on the Michael Scott side but tight none-the-less. Also, I understood the story regardless of how it’s written. Well or terribly, it’s of no consequence; all of these assholes got the point. That said, fantastic moment to share.

  8. Cyberg00se says:

    I think it’s just a small problem with proofreading. It happens to all of us, doesn’t it? Or did I stumble into a literary forum?

    The problem is this sentence, that pesky start to the second paragraph that many of us had to decipher:

    “Settling into university and making new friends is always going to be a big thing, and having two friends to stay at home after a drunken night out, my mother (them being two giggly girls)…”

    It sounds to me, like she went to university, and that her mother had friends stay over after a drunken night out. FYI: mother is comprised of two giggly girls… and it’s all one long run-on sentence.

    None of us here are literary giants and my post alone can be completely dissected. No one cares about being perfect (none of the nice people anyway). It’s just that one sentence sliced into two or three would have made the point the author was trying to make.

    To the author, please don’t be daunted by those “you suck!” jerks. It was just one minor flaw that broke the flow of your funny story. It happens to all of us who type slower than we think. Please post more funny stories as they come to you. :)

  9. k8 says:

    hard 2 understand.

  10. renee says:

    I find the reactions to this story much funnier than the story! I was questioning throughout wether it was all part of the story itself or actual honest responses! I ran out of tissue reading this!

  11. Doc says:

    Whilst?!

  12. Wendy says:

    How horrible for your hung over friends to open their eyes to a ventriloquist dummy. I might have peed myself.

  13. Tweety says:

    Hi all,
    Looking back through other stories’ comments I now realise that grammar is rather an area of controversy on this site – sadly I just wanted to share what I thought was an awkward story!! (ouch, check that double exclamation mark…)Although funnily enough at uni (yep, British) I used to get reprimanded for awkward phrasing in essays.

    Ventriloquist doll love x

  14. Regan says:

    That’s really terrifying. Ventriloquist dummies are scary

    And Jordy, she’s obviously British and isn’t the one that sucks. Sheesh!

  15. Leigh Ann says:

    Australians also say ‘whilst.’

  16. fluffy says:

    sheesh. so one can’t tell a story anymore for fear of a bunch of anonymous eighth-graders criticising one’s grammar? What a bunch of stuck-up idiots (presumably in possession of huge inferiority complexes).
    btw, if you have a slightly better attention span than a flea, this piece is entirely understandable. Get over yourselves.

  17. Penny says:

    Whilst I was reading this story and whilst I was not sporting a hangover…I remembered how creepy dummies are.

  18. claw says:

    This was the least funny/awkward story ever. I fear I may not be able to read another one of these awkward family stories after this horrible attempt.

  19. Kandee says:

    Anything relating to a ventriloquist dummy creeps me out big time! Makes me think of that Twilight Zone episode where the dummy comes to life. EEEEEEE. I am wigging out now! OMG.

  20. Carmen says:

    One of the best family stories ever.

  21. Ingrid says:

    I had to read this story a couple times before I could even figure out what was going on. The most awkward thing about this story is the writing! I will admit, however, that random ventriloquism by mom would be kinda awkward/embarrassing. I’m confused as to why mom was over, and where the ventriloquist dummy came from, though.

  22. Emay says:

    The wording of this story is the awkward part! The first sentence of the second paragraph made no sense to me, and I’m British…

    • Seriously Distracted says:

      I read that sentence three times before I deciphered it.

    • T.N. Amaps says:

      Agreed. It seems as though the author was using flowery language simply to impress. It only succeeded in making the story difficult to read. If the author is in the habit of using ‘whilst’, why the use of ‘while’ in the P.S.?

  23. laurie says:

    If a dummy disappeared in my house, I’d be paranoid and checking under the bed every night. Creepy dummies….

    • Tocsnai says:

      My house has “fun” ceramic tiles underneath the basement carpet, including:

      – little wine glasses next to the (long disused) bar; and
      – the luridly frightening face of a clown.

      I know where they are. They still haunt me.

  24. Becca says:

    I’m always disappointed when I see a story. I don’t even read them, I wish you only did the pictures.

    • labellemere says:

      Actually, a lot of us like them. Since you just skip over them and move on to the pictures, it seems like a win/win situation, right?

  25. vansmom says:

    I couldn’t even understand what this writer was trying to say because of the terrible grammar and writing style.

    Can you possess a hangover? Mortifyingly?

    FAIL!

  26. Angelle says:

    Wow, even the GRAMMAR of that story was awkward!

  27. suzan says:

    Gotta agree. It actually took me a few times to read this to even understand what the writer was attempting to say.

  28. nite owl says:

    Ventriloquisim is awkward by definition, hang-over or not! Any family story that includes a ventriloquist dummy qualifies for awkwardness if you ask me.

    • NuttyMom says:

      Agreed, this story is the epitome of awkward.

    • Tocsnai says:

      Let’s test this idea of yours:

      My older sister bought me a gen-u-wine ventriloquist dummy from an ad in the back of a comic book. It was made of molded plastic. Basically it was a doll with an articulating mouth linked to a little button in the back of its torso, only the joints for the movable parts didn’t work at all smoothly.

      As a result, I was the only ventriloquist in history whose dummy didn’t move his mouth when I talked.

      Awkward for my audience of friends, anyway. You were right.

  29. Arbuckle says:

    This was lame. It wasn’t awkward, it wasn’t funny. Just lame.
    Sure your mother is embarrassing, but she could have done far worse things.

  30. Melba says:

    Abusing the word ‘whilst’ can lead to larger crimes, such as pretentious poetry readings and weddings where the bride and groom chuck doves at each other.
    Just saying…

  31. Morgan says:

    That is BRILLIANT! Awkward!

  32. Baby Kitty says:

    I really thought this story was going in a completely different direction. Oh well. Maybe someone took care of the dummy with a compound bow.

  33. Seamless says:

    It’s a mighty fine story. But good heavens–Tweety used a formal word! It would have been so much better if it didn’t challenge my limited sense of grammar!

  34. Rob says:

    never mind the word ‘whilst’ – what about the damn doll?? poor guy!

  35. Mac says:

    “Whilst” twice!…. wow….

  36. Oy oy oy says:

    My father used to whip out his accordian for my friends. Not sure which is worse.

    • doggiekittymama says:

      Father played the accordian. One grandfather played the harmonica and the other the spoons. Kind of fun at kiddie parties embarassing at teen ones.

  37. Spacini says:

    How does this qualify as an awkward family photo?

  38. Seamless says:

    Very sporting of you, Jordy.

  39. Jordy says:

    Whoever wrote this is some wannabe poet/novelist who actually sucks at writing. “Whilst”? “in possession of terrible hangovers”? You suck.

    • KBomb says:

      She apparently has a better vocabulary and writing ability than most people you see leaving comments. Or most people, period. Insecure, much?

    • NuttyMom says:

      Actually, her use of, “whilst”, didn’t bother me at all. This is one of the few stories that was coherently executed.

      (How do you like those big words, Jordy? Muahahaha)

    • Nyla says:

      You ever think that the author might be British? Who else says “settling into university”? MOST Americans would say “Going of to collage”

      • fearbiter says:

        Bingo Nyla, but then, too many here in the merica have no idea what British english even sounds like. Poor, poor things.

        • panscrub says:

          So they speak differently. That makes it OK to modify a different part of the sentence with parentheses to confuse my feeble, American brain?

          “…my mother (them being two giggly girls) felt in good company enough to invite them upstairs…”

          Also, ever heard of run-on sentences? Thanks for trying to tell 3 different ideas in one sentence, modifying the crap out of everything.

          The entire piece is indirect and backwards. It’s not the vocab that upsets me, it’s the structure that doesn’t tell me what he’s trying to say until I’m lost in his attempt to build a god damn maze with words.

          • Susan E says:

            To be concise, is it enough to say the writing is, um, awkward?

          • Jiny says:

            Does the entire world have to dumb down so you can understand? Weall have no choice but to accept americanisms infiltrating our lexicons and culture. Get over yourself. It’s one story. There’ll doubtless be others more suited to your “feeble American brain” (your words buddy!)

        • AveMedea says:

          fearbiter -
          re: “here in the merica”
          Here in the where?
          Here in the United States, we called it America.
          This is coming from someone who does know (first hand) what British English sounds like, and while it is true that many Americans have not heard Brits speak, the mistakes made in this story are not acceptable in any language.
          :-)

    • Melba says:

      No matter what anyone thinks of someone elses writing, telling some one “You suck” is really low.

    • MST says:

      Wow. Tough crowd.

      • hero says:

        telling someone that they suck is not cool. the language was fine with me; an english speaker. what language do you yanks speak?? oh yeah, american. ‘whilst’ is actually a word idiot. meh.
        also, tres awkward story, tweety. did you remain friends after that fiasco??

        • Lacie says:

          No we dont speak American, we ARE American, and by the way….we speak ENGLISH!!!!

        • Skot says:

          “‘whilst’ is actually a word idiot.” Your grammar is equivalent to appaling. You missed a comma and your assertion that using english in any order and connotation is, in fact, correct, is silliness. Further, you assert that “Yanks” are the only ones who dislike retarded speech. Well, I’m from Nashville, and personally feel that literacy is a global goal to achieve.

    • Cami says:

      There is really no need to just be mean. We’re here for the awkward-ness, not to critique writing styles.

  40. Leonard says:

    Marbles?

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