The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

 submitted by Kara at

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.


3,042 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. Britt says:

    I really hope no one showed up for Thanksgiving. This woman needs to get the stick out of her butt.

  2. Frank says:

    Did anyone show up? I would hate to be the only family who messed up and forgot an item, or, God forbid, had the wrong size spoon!

  3. me says:

    She sounds like a real bundle of fun. I think I would be avoiding going to any of her parties.

  4. Fee says:

    Gee, I think I’m out of town this year……..sorry.

  5. Nic says:

    can you say thanksgivingzilla?

  6. Jessica says:

    My God, I don’t even know this woman, and I am so ticked off.

  7. Supersally says:

    “Looking forward to the 28th!”
    Well, at least that makes one of us.

  8. Lauren says:

    1. I can’t believe I read that entire thing.

    2. That is absolutely insane.

  9. karen says:

    I’d rather have Thanksgiving pizza over at Amy Misto’s house.

  10. Kat says:

    Wow, that sounds like almost too much fun! I wonder if the turkey has to be cut into “regulation size” pieces before eating it…

  11. Melisa D. says:

    Jeez, when Marney says he’s particular, he wasn’t kidding!

    All that’s missing is the resounding salute and “Yes sir!” that would normally accompany such specific orders.

  12. Kml says:


    I think I’ll pass this year…have a great Thanksgiving with Mike and your Turkey!

    Looking forward to the 28th!

  13. shan says:

    Wow, control freak much?

  14. NO Way says:

    Dear Marney,

    Take your turkey and stuff it.

    Your family

  15. Jen says:

    OH. MY. GOD.

    Glad she’s not in MY family!

  16. J says:

    WOW. That party must have been a blast. I would have made the exact opposite of what she demanded I bring and it would have been all store brand.

  17. Geo says:

    I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered! This is a piece of art—the art of hospitable tyrrany!

  18. Tara says:

    Wow. Just….. wow.

    Did anyone actually show up for this party?

  19. suzan says:

    I just cannot believe that anyone is that dominating. What a neurotic individual, control much does Marney? To the Amy Misto family – I love you! Good Job standing up to someone who is just a little bit over the edge.

    • Taeraresh says:

      A little bit? That’s like saying the surface of the sun is a little bit warm :p
      I think I’d be forced to show up with something completely different to what I was assigned, and a video camera to record Marney’s head exploding. Somehow, I can see her as being completely unable to deal with someone *daring* to disobey her, or even being capable of doing so.

  20. madkathy says:

    Not only did Marney offend her whole family, aluminum foil is no longer speaking to her.

    • boatingirl says:

      ha! love it!

      • Patty says:

        Clearly Marney works as a lobbyist for that crockery lid special interest group. Notice the REYNOLDS (of aluminium fame) family is conspiciously absent from the Thanksgiving Day procedure manual?

        • Cheryl says:

          And thus is solved the mystery of Amy’s and tin foil’s Black-sheepdom. Amy dated Johnny Reynolds for three years in high school without receiving authorization to do so in advance from Marney. This insubordination and the resulting battle went on so long, that Amy stopped responding to Marney’s long-winded emails/calls and Marney began to boycott tin foil AND the color blue (Johnny’s all-time favorite color). Mike used to sneak out with Amy and Johnny to eat cheese curds down at the local pub; when Marney discovered this betrayal Mike was forbidden from consuming any cheese-containing foods in Marney’s presence (ice cream and other dairy products are still not banned by Marney but she does threaten to deny them to Mike from time to time when he gets sassy and wants to do things his own way…you know how Mike is).

  21. M says:

    I wonder what Marney is going to do when everyone has to cancel because “something came up.”

  22. Wow says:

    WOW. Does she think she’s Bree Van de Camp?

  23. El Pee says:

    I dunno, this letter fills me with righteous anger… Part of me hopes that everyone brought the wrong thing just to spite Marney. However, the bigger part of me hopes that this is the ongoing family joke to have obnoxious instructions.

  24. Sara Jane says:

    Holy crap! Control issues?

  25. Amber says:

    If I was one of the people who received this email, I would shove a pencil in my eye.

  26. Quinella says:

    Wow, this makes me even more thankful for my family!! The letter writer is so controlling as to be terrifying!

  27. boatingirl says:

    You vill all do as I instruct!! And you vill march ven you get in my house!!


  28. karen says:

    wow! my fave is…it’s up to you how to prepare it; but only if you prepare it THIS EXACT way! dinner must have been “fun”.

  29. Samuel says:

    To be honest, if this note was for me it would be impossible not to go there and say: “Oh, sorry… Was I supposed to bring anything?”.

  30. Pearl says:

    Wow….this is a joke right??? Please tell me this person is joking.

    • RockitQueen says:

      Oh no. Even though she has quite a sense of humor and jokes around all the time, she COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS about this.

      I wonder what happens if someone doesn’t follow the instructions EXACTLY. If there’s a meltdown, it might be worth going.

  31. Randy says:

    This is awesome. It looks like a rock band backstage rider!

  32. Julie says:

    So, did anyone actually show up for this meal?

  33. Maajkel says:

    Living in Europe, I don’t celebrate thanksgiving.
    Sounds like fun, though 🙂

  34. dustin says:

    Please tell me everyone did exactly what she asked you not to do!

  35. Gwen says:

    Wow. I bet a regulation sized amount of fun was had by… well, only the host. Until someone showed up with the wrong serving spoon.

  36. kely says:

    really? someone really sent this? i’d just decline going altogether.

  37. pj says:

    No clever comment comes to mind — my jaw is simply hanging wide open.

  38. Señor_Citizen says:

    This has got to be from a teacher or middle-manager, but one thing is for certain…
    It’s from a control freak.
    My response? “Regretfully, Mr./Mrs./Ms.____________ (and__________ – if applicable) will not be able to attend, as I/we have just purchased a new microwave oven and would much prefer a Hungry Man turkey dinner to the agony of purchasing and using anything less than an aged balsamic which may or may not pass your rigorous test. Bon appetit!”
    With friends like this, who needs friends?
    Here’s another good one for you…
    An in-law invited my spouse and I to their ten-year anniversary celebration. Key word: INVITED. The invitation also stated that we were expected to purchase our own meal.
    Can’t make this stuff up.
    I have a funny feeling this awkward letter is gonna get a BOATLOAD of responses!

    • Voltron says:

      You wrote this a year ago so you probably won’t see it now. But I must tell you, you have great foresight. There’s over 1500 responses to this letter. Most I’ve seen on here

  39. Sarahew88 says:

    Dear Marney, You did not specify what flavor, how many ounces, the tempareture or what type of dispensor for the ice cream toppings.

    Your must provide details prior to 11/21

    Love, The Mike Byron family xoxo

    • Marie says:

      I, too, thought she was very unspecific about the ice cream toppings with the Mike Byron family. Perhaps they were given this task last year as well and managed to carry it out to Marney’s exact specifications? I can’t imagine why else she would give so little details.

  40. Kate of Kate Hall says:

    WTF is a “regulation size” casserole dish? Is this competition cooking?

  41. Tocsnai says:

    Also: “regulation size casserole.”

    Plus, she needs to know whether it’ll be clos du bois or beer by the 22nd for a meal on the 28th.

    In addition, thanks SO much for letting us use out own apple pie recipe!

  42. Gian says:

    What is a “regulation size casserole dish”? Are these things used in football now?

  43. libby says:

    I hope none of these people went! Or at least mixed up what they brought them in or all left their spoons at home! I love it how she made The Michelle Bobble family bring a pie knife for the slacker family of Amy Misto. lol

  44. laurie says:

    Looks like Marney just ordered Thanksgiving dinner alone.

  45. pope tyrone XII says:

    I’m thankful for my family.

  46. KristinaWebb says:

    I only got to the Lisa Byron Chesterford Family’s instructions and wanted to passive-aggressively hurt the author of this horrendous e-mail. If someone in my family sent me this before a holiday, I would tell them they could take their non-cheesy beans and lidded casserole dish and stow it – at no cooler than room temperature of course.

  47. Karen says:

    Something tells me that two bottles of clos du bois chardonnay aren’t going to be nearly enough to make this gathering fun. And if I were the Amy Misto family, I’d arrive with a bag or pork rinds and a box of wine.

  48. Wow… micromanaging thanksgiving… 🙂

  49. chosenfour says:

    Ok, so Kate (of John and the eight) is not alone in her horrible-ness. Holy Crap! Do you think she was kidding? Why are all of those people talking to her anyway???

  50. katachick says:

    Please, please, please tell me this is a joke! I think Marney might be lonely on Thanksgiving.

Leave a Reply

View Mobile Site
spread the awkwardness