The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

 submitted by Kara at www.californiakara.com

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.

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3,042 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. Daisy says:

    Hey Marnzilla,
    Please invite me to your next Holiday Shindig! I’ve got an exquisite recipe for
    chien alimentaire pate served on a big ol’ plastic platter with a putty knife.

  2. Susan says:

    If I got a letter like this detailing what I am to bring to a dinner, I would be showing up with one batch of Nestle Toll House cookies (because I like them), and some sort of alcoholic beverage for myself, to get through the meal with this control freak.

  3. Molly says:

    Also… ‘regulation size casserole dish’

    *shudder*

  4. Molly says:

    “Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time…”

    Translation: I have no sense of humor at all, and have never joked about any subject at any time under any circumstances.

  5. BeaEss says:

    Aunt Rudy, Is that you? ;-)

  6. Sere says:

    Wow.

    I have to admit I was a little weirded out reading this, because it sounds exactly like the kind of letter my boss would write about Thanksgiving dinner.

    I would know, because we recently had to coordinate a fundraiser dinner and you should have seen the instructions leading up to that.

    • william says:

      You must share with us! But only if it doesn’t mean you will be cyber-stalked and inexplicably disappear one day.

      On second thought, don’t share it with us.

      You never know…. I may be your boss incognito. ;^)

  7. skyeleo says:

    OMG-this letter takes the Hagen-Das! Wasn’t MARNEY in a Hitchcok movie by the same name? If you told me she was in ANY of his films I’d believe you:
    She obviously DIDN’T dodge The Birds pecking her in the head;swirls of non-regulation casseroles give her Vertigo; watches warily for any signs of people entering with foil thro’ her Rear Window,and if you show up with un-approved turnips- PSYCHO!!! *plays stabbing- music*

  8. Allison says:

    I like the fact that in the first sentence she says she jokes around a lot and has a sense of humor. A sense of humor like a dead woodchuck maybe.

  9. This was sent to me stating that it is a classic example of a “control freak”.
    Surely you jest, was my reply, this is outstandtanding SATIRE !

    The comments that follow are amusing, as well as the ‘comments’ on the comments….makes me wonder tho, about authenticity,since there are so many repeat commentors.
    In addition, the photos & text in right hand column are amusing. I ignored them initially, thinking they were ‘pop-up’spam…DGP

  10. ReginaPhalange says:

    If this was a real letter, clearly it was her way of ensuring that NOBODY would turn up for Thanksgiving at her house, so she wouldn’t have to deal with that mess in the first place.

    • Amy says:

      True that. – off topic when strange people approach me and ask my name i always say its Regina Phalange

  11. Todd says:

    I think Marney is my ex-wife! She must have changed her name…

  12. Nadine says:

    Obviously Amy Misto has certainly learned how to deal with Marney! LOL. That would be me.

  13. jum1801 says:

    I’m with Kelly: did anyone show up? If I had received a passive-aggressive letter from that control freak, I think I would have had to write back: “Gosh, I’m so sorry, but we decided we wanted to have our own Thanksgiving this year. ” Wow. She sounds like an in-law – not a blood member of the Byron family – and she really can’t stand all those Byrons. And this was just her catty way of letting them know.

  14. Andrew says:

    You know all of us are thinking that we would go completely opposite to the instructions she gave us, but can you imagine making marney mad? She’d probably give you instructions on how to dress before she came over to your house to beat you

  15. Cat says:

    Yes, advising no knives is a good idea, she should also be concerned about taking a whack to the head from one of those bottles. Could someone tell me what a regulation size casserole is–?

  16. anonymous says:

    the world wont end in 2012 because phill of the future came from 2121.

  17. Steve says:

    So, what Marney is really saying is, ‘We’d like to have Thanksgiving alone this year…’

  18. Cherish says:

    I, unfortunately, would like to admit that I am the type of girl who would send out a letter such as this. My OCD is unbelievable.

    • bikermike says:

      Cherish- at least you recognize that you have this issue, and i’m sure you’re not half at bad as a result! Hats off to you for your reply and offering an actual real clue why someone would do this!

    • Amy says:

      I doubt it would come off in the same way

  19. Celeste says:

    the funniest part – why do i bother she’s not going to read this.

    i’m laughing so hard i’m crying.

  20. kara m says:

    I’ll bring the machete!
    Good grief!

  21. Pain says:

    Just found regulation sized dish. It was the one with the little army suit on it. Speaking of suits, I think the hostesss needs one with the hands that tie in the back.

  22. Carol G. says:

    Marney gives blogspot a bad name. If anyone in the family has brains they would all get together, go out for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner and a show. Then home to someone else’s place for dessert and coffee. Sit around the rest of the evening, with the phone off the hook, and enjoy a few glasses of wine.

    Just don’t show up at Marney’s and let Mike spend the evening with the turkeys.

  23. Erin says:

    is anyone besides Marney looking forward to the 28th? ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!

  24. Kim says:

    “Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level.”

    A window into the sibling relationship between these two women. Can I stab her in the eye with a serving fork for you, Lisa?

  25. Hannah says:

    Sadly enough this reminds me way too much of my own family, still pretty amusing though. Maybe it’s a southern thing? My grandmother sends out an e-mail every year before our big family vacation/reunion telling everyone what to bring. Nothing like this though…..

    • Joanna says:

      Don’t blame is on the South…we’d never refer to dressing as “stuffing!”

      • lyndsey says:

        My family is huge so we often send out letters like this in an attempt to be organized, but fortunately we don’t have any Hitlers in the family! This Marney lady wouldn’t last 30 seconds with us; we’d all show up with the exact opposite of whatever she said and probably switch which family brings what. In fact, scrap the dishes, regulation size or not, we’d just wrap everything in second-hand tin foil, then provide the ammunition and the gun for her to have that breakdown that is clearly (hopefully) coming at some point.

  26. Eric says:

    I thought it was kind of creepy how she randomly pretended to act naturally, like when out of nowhere she said “yum!” after beating someone over the head about the Haagen Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream.

    • Anne says:

      I would have told her to buy her own ice cream. What a cheapskate. And what did the Bob Byron family do to her to get such a long list. Turnip casserole (which I would make a huge casserole, with cheese AND cocktail sauce, 2 containers of ice cream (the gas station brand, cuz that’s not a store) and a case of water (generic soda, not diet, the kind with cans that require a can opener) and I would have showed up in costume, I’m thinking something like Joan of Arc would be suitable. I’d tell the hostess I was dressed as my favorite martyr and then comment that I see she’s dressed as her favorite martyr. Ahhh, there’s no place for passive aggressive behavior like the holidays.

      • Amy says:

        I want to already be there when you arive to see just WTF happens when she opens that door and sees you. On the other hand she might have already hung her self in the pantry because my kids would have spilled something from jumping on the couch by that point

  27. melissa says:

    this lady would never make it in my family. they would have told her to **** off and stay home by herself.

  28. Stasey says:

    I can definitely recognize the style of this letter as being the same comedic genius who wrote the Always consumer letter. Can I meet you, please?

    • Stacie says:

      Stasey, I’m glad I’m not the only one who wants to meet this genius of a writer. I’m also glad I’m not the only one who thinks very strongly this is the same writer as the Always F16 lady.

  29. Marc says:

    I sure wish I was in the AMY MISTO FAMILY! If I saw mail from MARNEY I would throw in right in the garbage too. NO WONDER SHE WILL NEVER READ THAT!!!

  30. Marney says:

    You disrespectful HEATHENS! Bob: I can’t BELIEVE you’d have the gall to even think of HEAVILY sprinkling the asparagus with UNTOASTED nuts. I hereby EXCOMMUNICATE YOU from this FAMILY. And HOW DARE *ANYONE* SUGGEST THAT WE HAVE TOO MANY CASSEROLES. Casseroles are the FOUNDATION of our FINE COUNTRY. EVERYONE likes casseroles and I FORBID you to say otherwise!

    As we do every year, we will re-enact the first Thanksgiving and as your hostess, I will assign your parts. I’m thinking that this year Amy will play the Injun SAVAGE who gets SMALLPOX. I’m very excited that my shipment of smallpox germs has already arrived in the mail, sent in a regulation sized CASSEROLE dish just as I ordered!!! And June, if you use that blue serving dish you will be a perfect candidate for SCALPING. Maybe we’ll do a burning at the stake this year –I know it might be a little untraditional, but hey — I make the rules! A good ol’ burning really imparts that pilgrim feeling, don’t you think. Aren’t you guys just SO EXCITED?? I know this will be the BEST Thanksgiving EVER, if you DO AS I SAY. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll DO AS I SAY!!

    XOXO,
    Marney

  31. Andy says:

    In ALL seriousness…
    I think people like this should be arrested for this type of behavior and thrown in jail. They should be taken away from the general population. Yes, we all know people like this to some degree, but these people REALLY need to be put in their place with a serious reality check.
    Either that or, it should be an unspoken rule that NOBODY even GO to a house on Thanksgiving when they are being talked down to by the hostess. Yeah, some hostess.

  32. boogie man says:

    I guess that leaves Marney with the Turkey!!

  33. Cynthia says:

    oh my goodness! What a drill sargeant. Well, if i were going I’d bring a big dish of turnips with cheese sauce without a knife with a big slotted spoon and a big old bottle of Coke and three gallons of store brand water LOL.

  34. Bernard Lyne says:

    Please, what is Thanksgiving? I’m just a little Englander from Yorkshire.

    • Tricia says:

      Thanksgiving is when we celebrate the “Pilgrims” landing at Plymouth Rock and “making peace” with the “Indians”” which in turn was the beginning of the “United States of America.”,

      Pretty much it’s a celebration of when we raped and pillaged Native Americans just so we could have our own “free” country that would one day be in billions of dollars of debt, lack the appropriate amount of jobs to match the increasingly growing population, have the worst health care system possibly in the world, disapprove marriage between same sex couples while standing strong by their 50%+ divorce rate, and be the most judgmental, hypocritical country currently in existence.

      Hope that helped!

      • Anita says:

        We also all get together and eat too much food, drink too much beer, watch too much football on TV and generally yell at each other (you know, family).

        • Bill says:

          Tricia,

          Your response is why most people have become homo-irritated, no not homophobic. Every comment, even on sites that bring a bit of comic relief to life, has to become a rant about your cause, please give it a rest.

          • Paula says:

            Tricia…

            Not a fan of your post. Not cool! Thanksgiving is fun and beautiful.

          • Mary says:

            You are exactly the kind of homophobic person this country needs fewer of. She made that entire rant and you chose to determine it to be all about homosexuality because of one part. Paranoid much? Get over yourself and stop looking for things you can display your bigotry-disguised-as-simple-annoyance over.

      • Joe says:

        “tricia” aka… MARNEY!!

      • Cheyenne says:

        Tricia, I am Native American, and even my people do not speak this way. I’m not neccessarily disputing that my people were “raped and pillaged” but we were never told of such in the recounting of the first Thanksgiving and of the uniting of peoples at Plymouth Rock. But then again, we believe in speaking only of goodness, and that language like yours is vile and toxic to the hope and positive mindsets that can free us all from being cursed with judgement and hatred like yours. I remember as a child hearing my great-great grandfather tell the story of Thanksgiving and never once did he speak with any resentment, only love. We have always felt great pride, not because we were original residents of this great land, but because our ancestors welcomed new settlers with love and sharing of the abundances that we were blessed with. They trusted God to provide enough for all. I feel sad for you that you have such hatred in your heart and pray you will use that energy to find good in the nation that some of us still love. (Also, I may not be as “smart” as you, but even I know that Mr. Bernard Lyne was being facetious when he asked “Please, what is Thanksgiving?…” You took even a humurous post as a opportunity to complain. I pray you will be free soon, friend.)

        • Deb says:

          Very classy, Cheyenne! Thanks for sharing.

          I live in a town where it is fashionable to rant about how evil America is, probably to alleviate the guilt that people feel about the evil things their ancestors did to other people. If you act angry enough about it, everybody will know that you would never have done the same, right? But hostile ranting just shows that a person is more prone to evil. (I realize there is a fine line between impassioned rhetoric, which we need, and hostile ranting, which is unhelpful.)

          Because there is good and evil in each person in every culture, each culture has brought some good and some evil into the world. Let’s try to remember what is good about America, while keeping a healthy humility because we know we are not perfect, and move on toward making a positive contribution to history.

      • diane says:

        Tricia,
        Why don’t you leave? I’m sure there are a lot of other countrys’ citizens that would love to hear you rant (not).

        WE DON’T EITHER!!!

      • Dayna says:

        Tricia, I just read the replies below. I think your “definition” was hilarious. I’m pretty sure you weren’t attempting a college-level graded essay, so therefore you were trying to be humorous. PS: 9-11 was inside job. ;-)

        • Amy says:

          I love Tricia! America has problems. I love how people are acting like how dare she bring it up. BTW, Small Pox Blankets. Enough Said

    • Nathan says:

      Feel free to move, Tricia. No, really: please move, and take Marney with you.

    • Stacy says:

      Thanksgiving is when Jesus stepped off the Mayflower and shot firecrackers at the Indians!!

      • Peace says:

        rotflmaopmp!!!
        Thank you, Stacy!
        Every culture should have a harvest festival and cleverly incorporate as much “history” as possible.

    • Emily says:

      Actually, Thanksgiving started during the Civil War. Lincoln saw that the union’s morale was dropping, so he declared a new holiday where people would stop and give thanks. The Pilgrims were more of a convenient reason for the holiday. Really it was a political move to keep the country behind the government (and not depressed) while going through the Civil War.

      Personally, it is my favorite holiday! The most difficult holiday to make commercial. It’s just about food, family, and friends.

      • Laura says:

        I find this soooooo hilarious! I’m in my computers class at school, cracking up about how seriously Cheyenne took what Tricia said. Find a sense of humour!!!! It’s okay to laugh at your country sometimes! I’m from New Zealand, and I’m sooo glad, because we are not as uptight as Americans obviously are! We mock ourselves so often! We even have a tv program that mocks ourselves (bro town). Take a chill pill!! Honestly! Learn to laugh!!

        • EHM says:

          The problem though is that there are a lot of people here in the States who like to do nothing more than bash their own country. Why, I don’t understand. It’s one thing to mock and make light of the foibles of your country but it’s another to rant about how evil it is, how wrong it is. Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday that is celebrated by both Canada and America and is a unique holiday for us Northern Americans. It is a harvest festival but it is much more than that. When our first European ancestors came to these shores they hadn’t a clue what they were about and it was the American Indians who taught them how to survive in this new world. Thanksgiving was created to celebrate that bond. Unfortunately our history with Native Americans wasn’t as peaceful as our stories of the first Thanksgiving suggest.

          But ultimately, it is a time to remember and reflect and to give thanks for all the good that we have in our lives. It’s a time to be grateful, in a lot of ways, to be American. And because this isn’t a holiday based off of race or religion but of being an American, it is a celebration for all Americans. And Canadians. :) I would never want to forget our northern cousins.

          • Amy says:

            Um. Wow. I thought America was free. But apparently we cant have our own views. Good to know. I will just head to the corner now and chant to myself about how the government is loving and kind and not in anyway corrupt.
            You guys are all Marneys
            Go Tricia!

          • krc says:

            No one in the comments responding to tricia said the gov’t was loving and kind, they were merely saying that it was not an appropriate comment to make regarding the topic of Thanksgiving which is about personal thanks – not a political review of the govt’s performance (or lack thereof). I do agree that things are messed up. I also agree that those who take such real PLEASURE in hating America (and I’m not saying Tricia is one of them) should just leave and stop living here then they wouldn’t have to bitc* about it. Pick another country, any other country…..and go there. You’ll soon find something to bitc* about there too. And about the free thing…that means we are free to dislike or disagree with whatever comment we want. If Tricia is “free” to state her opinion we are too, so you have no room to criticize either opinion on the “freedom” issue. We are all freely stating our opinion. Can’t say I liked yours.

  35. Steve Vogel says:

    After a little investigation, I can not find the regulation casserole dimensions! Please HELP! I do not want to cause Marney any undue stress and be the catalyst for her oncoming aneurysm!

  36. Graham Banks says:

    I believe you omitted a few paragraphs:

    Heinrich Himmler family – please bring 2 dozen bagels with lox.
    Joseph Goebels family – please bring 1 gallon matza soup.
    Herman Goering family – please bring desert for everyone. Please do not bring pudding pops like last year. The kids (and grandma) can’t handle those in the house. Also, Herm, please don’t wear the green dress from last year. No one can handle that.

  37. kimi says:

    i hope the various families involved totally strayed from the plan: frozen pies, arriving solid and needing to be baked; the Green Valley beans or asparagus with sloppy sauces, and i hope the newly married person, expected to participate at the “adult” level showed up with cocktail weenies in a red sauce with beans. and i hope no one brought serving spoons. and then just sat watching football drinking those cases of beer while Perfect Wife and Mother cried hysterically in the kitchen…

  38. Michelle says:

    I love the “regulation” sized casserole dishes…oh man

    • Drachenglaube says:

      I was thinking the same thing, Michelle. WT* is she, a drill SGT? ROFL

      • Emily says:

        What exactly IS a regulation size casserole dish?..lol..I’ve worked in food service most of my life and can’t answer that one!
        Scares me to think there is a real person out there that wrote this….and actually had the stones to send it out to the family!

        • Whitney says:

          Lol, what is she gonna do bring a ruler out… “You’re 3/4 of an inch over regulation size!! I would expect this kind of disrespect out of the Amy Misto family but really June???”

          • Sarah says:

            She’ll keep the ruler right next to her scale which she will need to make sure she has exactly 15 freaking lbs of spuds.

        • Anne Marie says:

          Hmmm, I’d like to know what a regulation size casserole dish is.

          • bikermike says:

            i can picture her dumping the casserole outside in a fit of rage upon discovery of the “non-reg” dish!

        • Susan says:

          I was trying to figure that out, too…I know casserole dishes come in different sizes…which one is “regulation”? I am guessing there was some sort of catastrophe at some previous dinner where the wrong dish was used, chaos ensued, and “regulations” had to be instituted by Marney.

          • Sheri says:

            I would totally bring my offering in a foil pan from the $1 store, covered in foil, and a set of plastic measuring spoons to serve with. Then I’d leave and go to a nice restaurant.

  39. JoJo says:

    If I received such orders to bring food, I would talk to her friends so we can bring bologna sandwiches. That’s it. Then we leave her house and go out for a real, stress-free dinner. But, then again, I wouldn’t be friends with such a cheap-skate.

  40. Joe says:

    I had a control freak for a mother-in-law once. WE ate her.

  41. Tessaaa says:

    “Really, Mike, Great Value brand ice cream? And it’s not even vanilla, it’s FRENCH vanilla! Why, this is just insulting–It’s like bringing Diet Dr. Thunder to a barbeque! Just so embarrassing.”

  42. StickyMom says:

    I am completely surprised she wasn’t more particular on how to prepare the asparagus. You can really screw those up if you don’t know what you are doing! And who eats that stuff without some kind of cheesy sauce anyway? Certainly not the same group that won’t touch turnip greens!

    • TotalBlammBlamm says:

      I like my cheese sauce with a half stalk of asparagus, true. On second thought, just hold the asparagus, I’ll just stick a straw in the sauce! LOL

      • bikermike says:

        my impression is that mike is lactose intolerant (i’m marney intolerant!) and that cheese give him bad gas! Which angers Marney who must remain the center of attention during the whole meal- thereby needing to personally out do his farts!

  43. becky says:

    i would make my own dinner and invite everyone but marney.

    • Mary says:

      Really, I would like to start a find for Lisa to have a completely catered Thanksgiving dinner, including veggie dips from the supermarket and not invite Marney.

  44. michele says:

    ha ha ha! the letter was too much, but the comments? priceless!! thanks for the good laughs people!

  45. Katelyn says:

    Gee, as long as there’s no pressure for peppermint bark ice cream, it’s fine….

  46. Katelyn says:

    This is when you show up in overalls with a bag (yes, bag) of Beenie Weenies.

  47. Beth says:

    Wouldn’t you just want to do nothing or exactly the opposite just to see what happened???

  48. Abby says:

    This gives me anxiety. Please tell me this can’t be real.

  49. lagrange says:

    Can you imagine the poor shlub married to this hag? She must be a hoot the other 364 days of the year…

  50. peterson says:

    They made this into a digital short. Sorry if I’m reposting this, tried to get through all the comments, there’s just too many!

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