The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

Β submitted by Kara at

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.


3,042 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. Ronald SnapperfishyPoopieHead says:

    If I’m going to Marney’s house, I’ll bring what she tells me to bring, but I’ll also bring a big bottle of Bacardi 151 in hopes that Marney will drink alot of it and perhaps kill the bug that is up her a**.

  2. Tina ware says:

    Micro manager from he’ll…….

  3. Tina ware says:

    Can anybody say “micromanager!!!!!

  4. Linda says:

    I would clean my scoopable cat litter box, put the contents into a plastic bowl with a LID and serving spoon (the pooper scooper) and show up. I’d set it down, hug everyone and thank Marney for the opportunity to contribute and then go back home, laughing all the way! I promise you, I’d do it to take one for the team, for the fun, spite and just to be able say “I did that” when I’m old, lol!

  5. Nancy says:

    So different than our friends. I brought a store bought cake for dessert and realized it was frozen. So , we all secretly microwave each slice before serving and enjoy and laugh about it still…

  6. JYS says:

    This is why it is great to go to work on the holidays & order out before hand! πŸ˜‰

  7. Turnips365 says:

    Dear Marnie,

    Thanks for telling me about my terrible turnips. In fact I did not know that most of you hate them. To be honest I’m a little red in the face knowing that the dish I have carefully prepared with love for the last several years is such a burden to your delicate palate. I’ll be sure to make a regulation size batch this year, as to avoid leftovers. Sure glad you let me know.

    Now let’s talk about your turkey – aside from being dry and bland, last year you served it at 162.5 degrees when everyone knows it needs to cook to AT LEAST 165 degrees. (I made Mike and the kids purge on the way home – I can’t have them getting worms, right?) You would do well to set a timer this year to avoid repeating the unpleasant incident. I mean, 162.5 degrees, how embarassing!?

    You are such a sweetheart to put all this together! Can’t wait to sit around the table to watch you badger your husband and children into submission. I sure am thankful not to be in your immediate family!


  8. Miz says:

    What no ones instructed to bring cranberry’s, a turkey, ham, brussel sprouts, or anything other than 15lbs of potatoes and a ton of casseroles? What type of Thanksgiving dinner is this?

  9. Heather says:

    This is my cousin’s Aunt-in-Law Marnie from Bangor, Maine. He says his favorite story is from when her children were small and taking a family pic together (w/ green shirts, white pants… ewww!). She instructed them all to smile with 3/4 of their teeth showing. The kids tried their darnedist but ended up looking like a bunch of pre-serial killers with their eyes so bulged from concentrating.
    This lady should have some psychogical label named after her πŸ™‚

  10. Rebecca K says:

    I would go and I would bring what I was told to bring and sit where Marney told me to sit. I’d have to pop to the toilet several times of course to hide, rock back and forth and cry with laughter.
    I’d love to be there to watch the silent exchanges between the guests.
    Thanksgiving at Marney’s sounds like an occasion not to be missed.

  11. MichaelaP says:

    God. what a control freak! There are thousands of other ways to have a nicely prepared and not have such instructions. I know this from experience so Martha Stewart suck it up and take another pill.

  12. elise says:

    Did she make/contribute anything herself??

  13. jill says:

    i cant beleive i just spent my time reading that! what a beeotch!

  14. snazzypants says:

    who does this person think they are? they are soooo lazy to just not do it themselves i would be surprised if anyone came to their thanksgiving dinner! wow seriously this is the biggest couch potatoe ive ever seen and ive seen a heck of a lot of couch potatoes! craaaazzzzzzyyyyyyy pppppeeeeerrrrrssssooooonnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. Susan says:

    Um, she forgot the industrial sized spoon, not a soup spoon or ladle, to CRAM THIS LIST OF INSTRUCTIONS WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE.

  16. Bobbie says:

    The comments were as enjoyable as the post. There are some great funny bone tickling people out there. Thanks for the laugh.
    BTW – regulation size casserole dish is 9X13.

  17. Scott Lohse says:

    Everyone at this dinner should give thanks that they are celebrating Thanksgiving with a perfectionist. Then use her as a perfect example of what not to become when they are in therapy!

  18. Kasa says:

    I work at a church and our preacher is retiring. I come in today to see a list very much like this one on my desk with 80 people to call and pass on the info for the retirement party.

    On the top was this note:
    “Kasa: I’ve emailed everyone these instructions. I want you to call them and make sure that they all got it, and to have them read their directions back to you. If you get an answering machine, keep calling back until you get an answer. Leave me a list of people who didn’t answer or you think aren’t going to follow their instructions and I will have words with them.”

    I’m pretty sure that Marney goes to this church.

  19. Lady Andrea says:

    Sir Yes SIR!!!
    I think a box of wine would have been completely appropriate…

  20. Lage says:

    I am wondering if anyone ‘Gave thanks’ for her…

  21. HJane says:

    why would she want turnips if most of them hate them…..

  22. alisotom says:

    NOW, i truly have something to be thankful for at Thanksgiving this year—i’m NOT on Marney’s guest list! THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!

  23. Nancy says:

    What size casserole is “regulation” size?

  24. DeborahB says:

    I know someone like Marney. It scares me there is more than one of them. Lucky she doesn’t have me in the family. I would lead a revolt and take (gasp) frozen mashed potatoes and a Mrs. Smith pumpkin pie.
    Oh and my friend, the Marney wanna-be…she uses turtle wax on her garden hose to keep it shiny. Seriously.

  25. Marion says:

    All I can say it what a BITCH! I would never eat at her house.

  26. CarrieM says:

    I’m going to show up uninvited with a big blue plastic bowl full of beans and cocktail sauce, covered in foil.

  27. Mary says:

    She forgot the PS…. each and every family raid your medicine cabinets for sedatives and mood altering drugs, there will be plenty of chardonnay for me to wash them down with. Love & Control, Marney

  28. Rosa says:

    Dear Marnie,
    I see from your email that you have not stopped being a control freak, as I instructed you to do last Thanksgiving when we had our little discussion about which was the superior sidedish, green beans or asparagus. (You know I was right.) Therefore I have decided to uninvite you to my fabulous Hannukah party, which will be more perfect than yours.
    Sincerely, Bubbe

    • alisotom says:

      Dear Bubbe,
      I have scratched your name off the A-list and put you on the C-list… C if you ever get invited to another one of my anally prepared parties…
      Love and Kisses,

  29. Rosa says:

    Dear Marnie,
    I see from your email that you have not ceased to be a control freak as I instructed you to do last Thanksgiving when we had our little discussion about what was the appropriate sidedish, beans or asparagus. (You know I was right.) Therefore, you may NOT attend my fabulous Hannukah party, which will feature delicious low-fat baked latkes with no-sugar-added applesauce, along with sugar-free chocolates for the children and genuine a

  30. Lovely Linny says:

    Well, we have a pot luck dinner every month rotating homes. If you don’t get very specific, you end up with everyone bringing chips and salsa. So, each couple is assigned to bring a catagory, and there is always one couple who will not bring any thing else but jello, so we had to put all the catagories in a hat, and have a drawing so that the catagories rotate, and not just one couple gets to bring jello. If you act like a 5 year old, then big Momma has to step in and supervise. sad but true. Marney is rude, there are nice ways to get cooperation, I would not attend her meal, too much pressure, let her eat cake!!!

    • Lec, do-do-do-Carter! says:

      That sounds like a fair way to spread the chores. Marnie is either joking or insane. I’m betting on joking. Nobody would order that many poison dishes on purpose!

  31. Renea says:

    Dear Marney –

    We’ve all come down with the flu and won’t be able to attend dinner this year. We won’t be sending our required dishes so you’ll have to have someone else do our part. Hope to see you at Christmas.

  32. xtian says:

    Marney is my FAVORITE! I want to be invited to this Thanksgiving dinner just to have the privilege of meeting her.

  33. railroadspike says:

    This reminds me of Sally ordering in When Harry Met Sally.

  34. Devon says:

    Now when you read this AFP letter, sit up straight, make sure to be facing southeast, do not chew gum, smile and laugh when necessary but no more, comment if you please but keep comments to a 40-word minimum (I WILL be counting!).
    Now, wasn’t that fun?

  35. June Davis and family says:

    Dearest Marnie, thank you for your email. I have read that we are to bring 15 pounds of mashed potatoes but you didn’t specify what KIND of potatoes to use, Idaho, russet, red potatoes? I certainly don’t want to use the wrong kind, but don’t worry because after much consideration, I now have decided that I simply do not feel like peeling 15 pounds of potatoes. I’d rather not bring a bottle of clos du bois either. Instead, I am bringing a bottle of Clamato and 3 large cans of Juicy Juice. Also, I’ve pre-ordered 3 extra large pizzas from Little Cesars to be delivered to your address approximately around 5:30pm on Thanksgiving. If I’m not there when they arrive, just pay the man and give him a generous tip. Put the pizzas in their boxes and put them into your oven to keep warm until everybody else arrives. I trust you have a pizza cutter, if not, I’ll get one at Dollar general tomorrow.

    June Davis and family.

  36. Nina Ross says:

    “I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.”

    Moral or the story….NEVER offer any help to Marney.

  37. Nina Ross says:

    “I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.”

    ~If they actually did offer at one point you know they are kicking themselves now!

  38. Kristin says:

    I just wouldn’t go. end of story.

    • Scarlet says:

      Oh I’d go. I would just do something totally opposite, like bring my crappy blue dish or some off brand ice cream. Or maybe bring something entirely different from what she dictated. Oh yes.

      • ccbean says:

        Cracked tupperware, deviled eggs made waaaaaay ahead of time, turkey jerky and melting popsicles, here we come!

      • CarrieM says:

        Bring the crappy blue dish, or a few of those really big cheap-margerine containers. Hand them to her and ask her to microwave them for 10 minutes apiece for you.

  39. naynay says:

    That is so hilarious! I like when she tells Lisa that since she is married now, she has to bring some veggies and dip- but not the supermarket platter- and that the June Davis family better not try bringing their crappy blue serving dish again. Man, I wish I was in her family- I’d organize a revolution, and have everybody bring pizza and hoho’s! Her Thanksgiving has got to be the most dreaded day of the year for her family. Somebody has got to track them down!

  40. Laura says:

    Dear Marney –
    I’ll make sure to bring 4 bottles of vodka, along with a few Xanex to pop into your drink.

    • MouthyP says:

      love it, love it, love it… of course beings as how it’s Thanksgiving, it MUST be grey goose… and make sure NOT to forget the FULL bottle of xanax p-l-e-a-s-e for I think we’re all gonna need it.

    • CarrieM says:

      I think Marney’s drinking all the chardonnay she orders everyone else to bring while she allows them one Coors Light apiece.

  41. snookie says:

    Marney is priceless, and Marney has, apparently no ‘filtering’ skills.
    I would’ve loved to have gotten this!
    Of couse, we do t-day buffet stlye with football on the living room.
    Judging by previous holidays, Marney might get hurt at a family gathering of mine.

  42. Jo says:

    Wow, this woman is something else. Seriously, I don’t think even Martha Stewart would be this b*tchy about the meal.

  43. Ginger says:

    Speaking as someone who has organized large potlucks/family dinners where I seem to be the only one who brought actual food (i.e. not chips, 2 liter bottles of pop, five day old vegetable trays, more chips, etc.), thought about the quantity of people that needed to be fed, and used every single piece of serving gear I own (which I was always left to clean), I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she finally figured she had to spell it out for everyone.

    • heather says:

      No Ginger,
      This isn’t just about her organizing things so there is enough food, etc.
      This is her being a control freak and having a sense of superiority. I can’t believe anyone even goes.

      My grandma used to organize Thankgsiving for our entire extended family. We would have over 50 people in the house.
      There were never instructions like this handed out. Yet, there was never a problem with lack of food, lack of variety, lack of drinks, or problems with dishes/utensils.

      You can organize large gatherings without being like Marney.

    • Kassie says:

      You got it, Ginger … I have 5 adult children and have to issue directions to grown men & women to bring real food to help feed their siblings and children! Now, I’d like to know how Marney addresses table manners, children not pawing into food, and clean up. I could use the tips πŸ™‚

      • Jennifer says:

        Kassie, one of my brothers (who shall remain nameless – Chris!) reminds his kids of the proper table manners – ONCE. If he catches them breaking the rules, he stabs (pokes, actually) them in the arm with his fork. After the second time, they’re on their best behaviour!

    • tmk says:

      While Marney is excessive , I have to say after years, of planning, purchasing cooking, cleaning just about everday holiday meal for about 30 guest w/ kids. I had to email and call about specifics as well. Do not bring gallons of water, bring bottles. Please bring prepared food, in a dispoable containers or your own bowl. If your dish needs a serving fork or spoon , please bring that as well. My sister who is in charge of drinks among a few other small things usually bring 2 liter sodas because it’s cheaper. (I pay for 90% of every dinner including the drinks for every holiday. No less then 2-300 dollars for every holiday), so spring for the darn bottles or cans . The kids run around w/ 18 diffirent cups of soda and spilling them on rugs and furniture so I did tell her juice boxes or bottels of water . I also have 2 or 3 guest that every year bring the ingredients and make the food in my kitchen because of “lack of time” Come on. I have been shopping, cooking and cleaning for the last 48 hours at that point. Find the darn time to toss a salad. They have baked a cakes, brought and made string bean casserol, made a salads, snacks, chopped veggies, you name it, once the have come to my home. It was rude and annoying. Not only did I have to make room for the food in an over loaded oven, they used up all my bowls, spoons, knives, used the cuisnart for cutting variuos veggies, made a mess of the kitchen etc. They would also wipe me out of containers when taking the left overs . Marney is over the top but I have to say, I kinda know where she is coming from on some level. Sometimes when your family becomes so used to you do everything, they take advantage and unwittingly become a pain in the A%%

      • Sarah says:

        Then why be the host?Sounds like you’re just not cut out for it. I love to host parties and I cook and clean for 50+ people at least twice a year and numerous small parties. I’ve never asked anyone to bring any food to my house in my life, never mind demand how they bring it. When people do bring things, I appreciate, not complain about what they brought. Get your own serving spoons. You should check out the 99% of the posts all over the internet regarding this letter and realize you have a control problem too if you agree with this crazy woman.

        • Karen says:

          Ego much? LOL That’s such a proud and haughty response to someone that’s looking for some appreciation for years of service–believe me, there are many moms “cut out” for the job that are unjustly taken advantage of because they’re the “mom” in the family. They may have the largest home for gatherings (everyone shows up at “mom’s”), and are typically always expected to do and provide everything, before, during and after, while the men do little to NOTHING and other extended family just show up and then make snide remarks about the lack of organization, and how they have to “take over” by helping put dishes on the table, when the mom is working to her bones since days before. You would think you’d be able to relate, having so much in common, rather than mock this woman. Sounds like you love to talk about yourself thoughout your parties, too! Oh, gee, how interesting!

          • tmk says:

            Karen you are the best. You nailed it. I have the largest home, I have the most land, the kids like my food better. You name it and I have heard it. I took over for my mom even before she passed away and I can tell you I LOVE it and I love my family but I dread too. I work 50 hours a week as well. So my Christmases , Thanksgiving, Easters, 4 of July picnics, graduations, Going away, Welcome back, Retiring, Funeral rececptions , wedding Showers, baby showers, rehersals dinners, bday parties are all done here . So I think I can CUT it Sarah or esle I can safely asume i would not be asked to host these events. It does consume just about every day I have off during during those occasions and can be stressful . But since my family continues asked me to do, I do it. I think its ok it ask for help.

          • Mae says:

            I think you should tell everybody you’re going on vacation next year, you won’t even be home, and stick to it.

          • Mae says:

            I think you should tell everybody you’re going on vacation next year, and you’ll see them when you get back. Add the words, “Have a nice holiday!”

      • CarrieM says:

        TMK, you have my sympathies. But it does sound like you’re being taken advantage of; maybe you need to let them know you need a break, before you become passive-aggressive like Marney and lose all sense of the spirit of the holiday in question.

        • tmk says:

          I did actually. We are off to the Marriott in Palm Springs w/ the hubs, 2 kids and MIL for Thanksgiving this year. It will be different but I am so ready. We have a beautiful 3 bed rm resort w/ full kitchen and my daughter wants to make Thanksgiving dinner on her own. Hopefully I can relax in the pool w/ a mojito and enjoy this gift . Frankly I am ok if we have deli sandwiches but it is sweet to see all the thought she is putting into this. Hope you all enjoy your Holiday as well.

    • kelly says:

      I do agree to some extent – if I don’t tell my brother exactly what to bring and in what quantities, god knows what he’ll show up with. If I say “this is what I’m making (insert items here) so if you could bring a side dish that would be cool.” my brother will make only enough of a side dish to feed him, his 80 pound wife and child, with no regards to the other 6 of us who will be there. Of course, often when I tell him to bring dinner rolls he either brings them frozen or decides to bring napkins instead without telling anyone, I can understand why Marny might get super pissed off over time if her family is like my brother. lol

  44. Lizzy says:

    Oh, I would SO love someone to send me instructions like this. i would SO not come! It would really make my day!

    • kelly says:

      I would deliberately screw up my items just so I could watch her make anally retentive faces at me from across the table, all while trying to pretend I didn’t even show up. Perhaps I could get several sighs and a tsk-ing sound periodically too. That would be very fun.

    • Renae says:

      I know, right?
      Why in the hell would you want to go hang out with a family as OCD as that?

  45. nosleep3 says:

    Why ask for turnips if nobody likes them? Does the Mike Byron family live in a turnip vacuum, inaccessible to the wonders of a varied diet? Ask them to bring green bean casserole or carrots or ANY OTHER VEGETABLE!

    My only hope is that Marney wrote this e-mail ironically, and that everyone normally shows up with chicken wings, pizza, chocolate cake, and malt liquor, and they all sit around laughing about Marney’s latest joke.

  46. RENE says:

    Go to the Local Shelter next year and see how they do it, maybe she will appreciate the fact that she has friends and family to celebrate with in a warm home!

    • CarrieM says:

      Somehow I suspect Marney would NOT appreciate the fact that she hs friends and family to celebrate with in a warm home.

      • BenFromOhio says:

        She may, in fact, go on a rampage of control freakiness on the volunteers for using tin foil… or on the poor people for not putting their forks on the left side of the plate. Then she can go back and be thankful for her submissive underlings.

  47. RENE says:

    I think the person sending the email to the perspective guests should think about next year having her meal at the local shelter, then and only then would she appreciate her friends and family and what a gift it is to be together in a warm and loving home… she needs to get a grip on what Thanksgiving is about… God help the people that did as she requested!

    • Dotrayb says:

      Calm down.

    • alisotom says:

      RENE, could i have your address, please? i want to make sure that YOU are invited for thanksgiving at her place next year… now, here’s what you need to bring: a sense of humor, not too dry…

    • sophia says:

      god help the ones that didn’t.

    • Nanny says:

      Are you kidding this is exactly the note that I have always wanted to send. I am the planner who keeps these things together and my family thinks it all just works out due to Karma. How about you go to the trouble year after year of trying to make things nice and pulling it off too in spite of the involvement of a bunch of people with a pathological aversion to planning ahead and weak ability to appreciate the people in their lives who get it together anyway Then and only then would you appreciate that what Marney was doing was being honest and trying to set the stage for a lovely evening where they can focus on each others company rather than scrambling to pull together dinner.

      • Julia says:

        Nanny – my mom and I were the planners too and felt just like you, but one year we had it and didn’t plan anything. I have 7 other sibilings and dad is deceased, so mom just sent out an email telling everyone she was taking a break from planning Holidays and guess what, everyone else got together and pulled off the Holidays. I tell anyone now that feels the same way you do to just not do it. don’t plan it, see what happens, either everyone will step up and plan it, or the holidays will flop, and if that happens, there’s always a perkins, its not a great resturant but there will at least be food and company. πŸ™‚

  48. rmjohns says:

    get a life Martha Stewart wanna- be

  49. D.Ann says:

    Don’t forget the napkins – folding directions: From left to right (seam on outside) then tuck bottom up into the northwest east corner 1/4 inch (any more and it isn’t symetrical; any less and it won’t hold) For accurate measurements I use a laser level. Remember napkins must be ecru, not beige, not cream, not tan. Remember the disaster last year when someone (we won’t mention any names-Tessa) brought what she claimed were off-white – PULEEZE!

  50. Booyeah says:

    I have a quick question….does the bottled water need to be brought cold or at room temperature? I wouldn’t want to do it wrong….

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