The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

 submitted by Kara at

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.


3,035 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. Celeste says:

    Tis the season to OBEY MY DEMANDS! Wow! How on earth do people agree to come over to this person’s house? I would make the damn mash potatoes in last year’s oversize blue bowel with an aluminin foil lid and then throw all of it at his front door!

    • Thanksgiving says:

      The best part is how every family member gets called out. Dont Use the plates you did last year, Lisa grow up

      • Celeste says:

        You are right, they are all getting called out in the most demeaning way possible! What the heck is this person’s neurosis about “not bringing soup spoons?” Was it some childhood trauma?

  2. sb says:

    Wow, control freak much?

  3. Ashley says:

    wow. and i thought my family was bossy.

  4. kiki says:

    I bet everyone was “Thankful” when Marney got loaded on her clos du bois and passed out in the turnips.

  5. Wow. If I were her family, I’d leave her out and band together to have our own Thanksgiving with serving spoons, turnips, and tin foil a’ plenty.

  6. John says:

    Ah, memories of the holidays….this one is a classic!

  7. Amanda says:

    I love the (why do I even bother she will never read this) line. I am The Amy Misto Family when it comes to things like that.

  8. Carolina Blonde says:

    Mom, is that you? I didn’t think you knew about this site!

  9. KM says:

    OMG, is this for real?? I want to know how the family felt about this!

  10. rosko says:

    And I thought my family’s xmas dinners were a barrel of laughs…

  11. Chad says:

    Byron, Chesterfield, Bobble and Davis Families: Most Thankful for Pizza Hut.

    Misto Family: Why do I even bother posting this on the Internet? No one will ever read it.

  12. Kemi says:

    I couldn’t stop laughing. This woman has a lot of nerve!

    I love how everyone hates turnips, but apparently Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without a semi-full casserole dish of them.

  13. Molls says:

    WOW! Sounds like a recipe for a fun packed Thanksgiving…WITH A LID.

  14. Casey says:

    Wow, Really??!?

  15. This is the biggest piece of CRAP I have ever heard! If anyone in my family had sent out this crap the whole family would have gotten together behind the senders back and met somewhere else!

  16. princessluceval says:

    “Never mind, why don’t I just make everything since I KNOW you all will screw it up royally?”

  17. girlgeek says:

    Wow! H-core.
    Who’s the lucky bastard that will bring the turkey to this festive gathering?

    Thanksgiving Turkey Family (If you turkeys ever bothered to read your emails and follow instructions)
    1. Please be 23 lbs and not an ounce under or over
    2. Roast yourself in the most succulent manner. Please stick to the Barefoot Contessa recipe unlike last year where you must have used the Racheal Ray method. You were not moist enough.
    3. Please present yourself on an oval, white platter. Garnish is not necessary
    4. Please be 100% free range and organic. You know I hate it when you do drugs and don’t excercise yourself.

  18. Are you kidding me? What a control freak. I am sure a good time was had by none, if anyone bothered to show up at this soiree. Isn’t the whole idea of Thanksgiving to give thanks and not get plastered?

  19. Chris says:

    Good grief. If I got a letter like this I’d ignore the instructions and either bring something really gross (escargot, anyone?) or a giant mega bag of candy and several bottles of Coke. Get the young ones all sugared up and high on caffeine, and then whoops! I just got paged, gotta go!

  20. Karen says:

    Wow! I guess Marney’s picture is featured in the dictionary under the word “uptight.”

  21. Stacy says:

    Please tell me that was a joke. She can’t be serious. Each of my family members would punch me in the face if I ever wrote them a letter like that.

    • Amice says:

      No no no! Please don’t let this be a joke! This is the most fun I’ve had all day, and if this were not authentic, I would be a shell of my former self–almost Marney-like.

  22. Mark says:

    Despite Marney’s meticulous planning, I think she underestimated the amount of alcohol needed to get through this event.

    • Melba says:

      Yeah, yuh might wanna get a couple o’ boxes of that clos du bois chardonnay just to take the edge off!

    • Samantha says:

      AGREE! But I’m left to wonder – who is HJB and why is he only given the ambiguous instructions “dinner wine”???? Perhaps he is the crazy uncle driven to alcoholism by Marney’s tyrrany who can be trusted to consume only wine in his desperate attempt to escape this painful family gathering… and yet Marney can’t even trust him to remember to bring his own wine. Of course, in her eyes she’s probably just looking out for good ol’ HJB.

      Either way, I think Marney needs a few VALIUM with that Chardonnay.

  23. lololola says:

    I always wondered under what circumstances it would be okay to just leave your family forever and start over in another country.

  24. Meghan says:

    Sure sounds like a relaxing low key thanksgiving!

  25. Nancy says:


    What IS a “regulation size” casserole?

    I think I would have boycotted this event and let Marney do it all herself so that it would all be just the way she wants it.

    She is right about the turnips, though.

  26. Martina says:

    Sounds like a fun time!

    “Regulation size casserole” cracked me up the most!

  27. shanotx says:

    Jesus Krispies, I think I would be making other plans for that Thanksgiving.

  28. Wow says:

    Passive-aggressive much? I think I’d go eat somewhere else that doesn’t require such strict standards. And I’m guessing the rest of the family only sees “Marney” once a year…

  29. Dona says:

    wow. she seems to have some control issues!

  30. christy says:

    Please, dear god, I need to know more about this. How did Thanksgiving turn out? Did anyone write back? Does Marney have the sense of humor she claims to? Did Lisa contribute at an adult level?

    The tension is killing me!

  31. lisa-lurkey says:

    it makes you wonder what it was like last year – what a horror show it must have been serving potatoes with a demi tasse spoon from that freakish blue bowl.

    • NO Way says:

      Too funny!

    • Kristi says:

      This is the first comment on this site that actually made me laugh. Thanks.

      • chickmunkey says:

        My brother’s mother in-law is like this – she’s short (under 5′) and bleach blond with lotsa makeup & very much the martinet & behind her back she’s called “Little Napoleon”. In fact, in my brother”s living room there is a “family portrait of him, the kids,wife & his in-laws and they are all wearing blue button-down oxfords and khakis ….yikes!(that was her doing) & when Little Napoleon retired from her job her daughter threw her a retirement party( you were only invited if they thought you had money) and you were requested to bring a CASH GIFT to pin on the MONEY TREE so Little Napoleon could get her basement refinished…

  32. K says:

    I would love to know what a regulation size casserol dish is!

    • Jewels says:

      she is probably talking about a 9 x 13 pyrex or corning ware. Can you tell that these things are dicussed at my family’s Thanksgving dinners?

  33. KatMilkerN-Motown says:

    and Marney spent Thanksgiving alone.

  34. Aoife says:

    Our family Thanksgivings always end up in drunken brawls, but I’ll bet we have a helluva lot more fun than this family does.

  35. Monica says:

    Sounds like Thanksgiving Dinner with the Gosselins.

  36. Bikepolo says:

    Is this a discreet ad for clos du bois?

  37. Jimchig says:

    Geez! I wonder if anyone actually showed up.

  38. Ellen says:

    i would avoid this dinner. this woman is a little OCD!

  39. Amice says:

    I’m Amy Misto, and you’re going down!

  40. Amice says:

    Did anyone show up?

  41. Leslie says:

    Regulation size casserole dish?

  42. Anna says:

    Good Lord!

  43. Julia says:

    Holy heck. Control freak!

  44. MM says:

    Dear Marney:

    I’m very sorry to report that I will not be able to attend Thanksgiving dinner at your house this year. It’s not that I don’t like you; it’s just that you are a manipulative, perfectionist harridan and the sound of your voice makes me want to throw bricks at you.

    (OK, I guess it IS that I don’t like you.)

    Instead I will be eating at Hooter’s, then probably sitting on the couch in front of the football game and falling asleep with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in my hand.



    P.S. Christmas is a no-go as well.

  45. Troy says:

    Can anyone say, “Control Freak”?

    I think I would be making some alternate Thanksgiving plans if I got this letter.

  46. Amy says:

    What is there deal with lids and serving spoons?

  47. NuttyMom says:

    I guess graciousness isn’t Marney’s best trait. This just makes me mad.

    I hope this isn’t a real letter. If it is, I hope someone brought store-bought coleslaw, potato salad, wedges and RC cola.

  48. Jordan says:

    I bet everyone loves Marney… Regulation size, WTF?

  49. Cindy says:

    OMG!!!! I thought my family thanksgivings were awkward! You will be in my thoughts every November. And remember our family always says, “It’s not a holiday until someone crys!”

  50. Kate says:

    I’m sorry Aunt Marney, I’ve suddenly realized I am going to be very, very sick on Thanksgiving.

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