The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

 submitted by Kara at

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.


3,042 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. Allison says:

    I would have to show up. But with everything on my list just slightly off. like in a non-regulation dish with a bunch of soup spoons.

  2. fearbiter says:

    Everyone follow these instructions, but come to my house instead and we’ll prank call Marny all night…maybe order some pizzas with turnips to be delivered to her, maybe a flaming bag of bean dip…I’ll make the turducken!

  3. Birdie says:

    Whoa. This makes me fully appreciate my family. Thanks.

  4. Kayla says:

    lolololol @ regulation-size casserole dish.

  5. Melba says:

    What- No dress code??

  6. Anjeliki says:

    Just. Wow.

    I have to say, if you already know that people are going to bring things you don’t like, or do it in a way you don’t like, can’t you just prepare yourself for that in order to have a good day? My mother-in-law always shows up an hour late for Thanksgiving dinner with yams in hand, asking “do you have a peeler?” Solution? Tell her dinner’s two hours before it is, and have things ready for her to cook when she gets there.

    In my family, dinners are organized thusly: host provides the meat and mashed potatoes, and everyone else brings whatever they want. We end up with a ton of delicious food, and typically every family brings at least two desserts. It’s awesome!

  7. Lamech says:

    The awkwardness is being excruciatingly particular about lousy beverages and routine food. Clos du Bois chardonnay? Green beans? Fresh veggies and dip? Coors Light? I know when I host a dinner I always want the interpersonal dynamics to be what everyone leaves raving about.

  8. JenJen says:

    Someone needs to make sure Marney has a link to the site…AND the comments. If I received marching instructions like that I would have to go out of my way to do everything the “wrong” way and have it messengered to her……

  9. Melba says:

    Potatoes or Stove Top??

  10. Amy says:

    If I was part of this family, I would move to another country.

  11. kas says:

    Yes, we all “know how Mike is.” Yeah, Mike’s definitely the high maintenance one.

  12. Jenkay says:

    Wow – I’m speechless! I really don’t know what to say!

    And I thought my husband’s family’s “get together” for Mother’s Day this year was bad as we all received an email (one week prior) with what was going to be “furnished” and those of us women who are NOT mothers (yes is was in all caps) would need to bring the side dishes, etc. For crying out loud – *I* am the only one who isn’t a mother!!! Needless to say, I wasn’t very happy………….and we didn’t go!

  13. OtherGUy says:

    15 LBS of mashed potatoes that is something else.

  14. Michael says:

    Was it really necessary for her to say “I’m very particular”?

  15. Surreall says:

    I am without speech.

  16. Bart says:

    Good LORD!

  17. Señor Loco says:

    Our Darling Marney,

    To hell with you and all of your damn rules! This year we’ve decided to do Cracker Barrel, so I’m afraid you’ll just have to do without the turnips this year. Boo-hoo!

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    Most graciously,
    The Mike Byron Family

  18. Armando says:

    No soup for you!

  19. erak says:

    I would decline the invitation because:

    a) she deserves to have people cancel on her after a letter like that, and
    b) the follow-up letter where she scrambles to fill in the blanks would be even funnier

  20. Mom says:

    Why would anyone show up at this fascist’s house? How awful! We’d all love a review of the delightful occasion!

    • Family Man says:

      It’s so bad, I’d be tempted to show up just to see how little it took to push Marney over the edge, give her a little passive-aggressive behavior right back. More likely though, I’d send a nice polite email saying we had other plans, but please, keep us in the loop–Christmas is right around the corner.

  21. JulieBean says:

    OMG, these instructions are stressing me out! Remove the stick, lady!

  22. neverfirst says:

    “Looking forward to the 28th!!


    Well I’m glad someone is looking forward to this anal-retentive passive-aggressive fest.

  23. MelissaInAz says:


    I would not only NOT go, but I would totally have written her condescending self back with a PS that said where she could stick that serving spoong (NOT SOUP SPOON).

  24. Wow. Awkward, yes. Mind-bogglingly forward, definitely. And the attitude? Yikes. I think I’d be calling in sick for that fun-filled Thanksgiving celebration…

  25. El_capitana says:

    I would call on Thanksgiving day and say the whole family is sick. God Help Us

  26. Deb says:

    I’m speechless. Wow. Why does anybody go to that house for Thanksgiving?

  27. db says:

    Who was assigned to bring Marney’s sedatives?

  28. Hilly says:

    How come HJB gets off all easy with dinner wine? Even LISA was required to contribute at the adult level.

    • Family Man says:

      My guess is HJB is under age. It’s a test. If he manages to bring it, he gets the third degree on how he procured alcohol, if he fails…

    • Samantha says:

      HAHA. Thank you, I was wondering the same thing. I just can’t believe she didn’t specify the preferred grape and year…. but, no pressure.

  29. Gordon says:

    I hope The Bob Byron Family used a lid instead of aluminum foil. Otherwise there’d be hell to pay.

    That is, if any of these people showed up after getting this letter.

  30. fluffy says:

    I’d like to meet Marney to get lessons on assertiveness and passive aggressive email writing. She’s great.

  31. wtf says:

    truly awkward. im speechless.

  32. Jennifer says:


  33. Julian Nicholls says:

    Holy cow. I’m glad I didn’t marry into that family.

  34. Holy Control-Freak Batman!!! I thought *I* was bad… but my solution to getting things done the way I think they should be done is to do it myself; I certainly would never hear of issuing orders like that…

    If someone in my family sent out an email like that, they’d all laugh at it and do what they want anyway. I can see recipients of that email marching into her house with their lidded containers and serving spoons and bottles of Clos Du Bois crappy wine like a row of tin soldiers.


  35. Amie says:

    What is their deal with lids and serving spoons?

  36. chloe says:

    Ugh, if I were in that family I would just bring in a frozen pizza.

    If no one really likes turnips, then why prepare it at all??

    • Redd says:

      because it’s TRADITON, dammit!

      My family is the same way with sweet potatoes. Grandma is the only one who likes them, and she always makes more than the regular mashed potatoes.

      She’ll bring the same batch to Christmas dinner, too, because we didn’t eat it all.

  37. NoEntiende says:


    The passive-aggressiveness of that note makes me wonder at the outcome. A stabbing or intentional poisoning would not have surprised me in the least — and I’ll bet the guests didn’t hesitate to bring their own razor-sharp knives, regardless of “instructions or orders”.

    And I thought that 1986 incident with my Aunt Marge’s green-bean casserole (prepared in a Corningware casserole dish my Aunt Jenny claimed had been “borrowed” but never returned — yes, things were THROWN) would never be outdone…

    • Celeste says:

      I wonder if Marney slept with both eyes opened that night!

    • Cheryl says:

      Well, if you want to see things thrown, you just wait and see what Marney does when that tasteless cow June Davis brings her mashed potatoes in that horrible oversized blue serving dish again. June’ll never bring that blue dish to Marney’s house EVER again after Marney lobs it out into the fish pond in the back yard.

      June. You’ve been warned.

  38. Jessie says:

    I love how she doesn’t put any pressure on anyone! That sounds like a nice relaxing Thanksgiving.

  39. coley says:

    sooo… what are you making?

  40. Blucat says:

    Is this for real? If it is, wooowww…

  41. WOW says:

    “Looking forward to the 28th!!”

    No one else is.

  42. MrDave says:


    I mean, seriously, wow.

    This can’t be real.

  43. Brooke says:


    Dear Mom,

    You can take your regulations and shove them where the sun don’t shine. (Up the turkey.)

    I’ll be arriving promptly thirty minutes late, and my offering will be something in a greasy paper bag. (Hope you like tacos!)

    With love,

  44. Tiffany says:

    Seriously???? That is…DETAILED. And…PUSHY. I mean, if you’re hosting a meal, you should do the bulk of the work and allow people to bring what they want, IF THEY WANT. That’s not just awkward, it’s…ridiculous.

  45. dumper says:

    that lady is PURE EVIL

  46. Scott says:

    Umm…OK…not awkward….rude!
    I just wouldn’t go.

  47. Drew says:

    This sounds like the kind of Thanksgiving that would require you to dress light. Because it’s in hell. Did anyone actually show up for this???

  48. Kelli says:

    Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! If I received that letter I think I would be spending Thanksgiving at home, and not with such high-strung people!

  49. gareth says:

    sounds like hellllllllll

    or a perfect relative to mess with.

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