The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

 submitted by Kara at

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.


3,042 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. Shannon says:

    I think Marney is Bre VanDeCamps long lost relative.

  2. Goob says:

    I was almost disappointed until I saw the compound bow comment!!

  3. RockitQueen says:

    I love how Marney set up the Amy Misto family to leave the whole gathering pie-less. Since she never bothers to read the e-mails, I’ll teach her! Now that’s some serious passive-aggressiveness.

  4. IAmNoOne says:

    This was the last thanksgiving at Marnies. It all started when Bob showed up with turnip greens, and went downhill from there.

  5. momijikun says:

    I especially like how she specifies to the delinquent Amy that the pies should be served in pie dishes. Really? How else would you serve it?

    • amice says:

      That’s what I was wondering. How badly did Amy Misto screw up last year that she had to be told to bring pies *in pie plates*? Did she bring the coffee in sieves?

    • Amice says:

      My thoughts exactly! Just how badly did Amy Misto screw up last year that it had to be specified that she bring pies *in pie plates*? Did she bring the coffee in sieves?

      • Kattjake says:

        I bet Amy brought the pies in those tacky (according to Marney) alluminum pie plates you get with the pie at the store (bad Amy). She probably wanted regulation glass.

    • K-Mo says:

      I was wondering the same thing about the Prosciutto Pin Wheels with which there was no need to bring a plate. Were they supposed to carry them over in their hands? Or maybe there is some kind of regulation Prosciutto Pin Wheel serving dish they were supposed to know about.

      And I wonder if anyone informed OCPD Marney that “Proscuitto” is actually spelled “Prosciutto.”

  6. BroadwayBohemia says:

    Follow Thanksgiving orders and no one gets attacked with a compound bow.

  7. Carrie says:

    hahaha love this!

    so who is HJB and why do they only get to bring dinner wine? looks like they escaped the wrath of marney

    • Laurie says:

      Obvious – Marney thinks everything HJB makes tastes terrible!

      • amanda says:

        HJB stands for “holy jesus burrito”, his super spicy, extra large recipe of choice. it’s what he brought last year.

        in a big blue casserole dish.

        this year, he’s brangin’ box wine.

      • Just my opinion says:

        Apparently HJB is the black sheep in the family only gets referred to by initials, must
        have really messed up their assignment last year!

      • emmah says:

        No way…HJB is clearly her father or husband and the only person she can’t patronize.

    • Babs says:

      Obviously, HJB is an unmarried male and as such, has no provenance in the kitchen.

  8. Jeff says:

    My grandmother once flipped out on me for buying green olives instead of black olives. I thought to myself “You know, other people don’t have to put up with this kind of crap.”.

    Oh how wrong I was. Folks, I’m not religious, but I pray for this family.

  9. I’m not sure if this makes me feel better or worse about the letters I get each holiday with my “assignment.”

    • Laurie says:

      I always get an “assignment”, too! And, I have a list of foods I’m not allowed to bring…devilled eggs (b/c I don’t use sweet pickle relish), potato salad (I don’t use enough mustard). Father’s Day I was told to make a “green salad” and was told the ingredients to use…and the meal was at MY HOUSE!

  10. greeneyedfox says:

    this is traditionally my family does thanksgiving – a few of the families come to my aunt’s huge house the day before, and the females (women and girls, even 10yo) prepare the food, the guys go paint-balling or snowboarding, or do other manly stuff, the other families come the day of with their food prepared, and then we all hang out for the rest of the weekend… i hated the double standard that the older generations held up, but overall it was a good time…

  11. T Dizzel says:

    I kept think while reading this..this sounds just like my mother in law. She actually tells us what to wear for holidays so “we don’t ruin her christmas photo”. Blerg!

  12. katy says:

    if Marney is so fancy-pants, what’s up with the Coors Light in the fridge?

    I would think that Thanksgiving would at least call for a craft brew!

  13. Nettie says:

    OMG… I thought I was the only one with a (ex)family like this… My (ex)mother in law wasn’t happy with the fact the her son (glorious light of her life) and I married at the J.P. office. No she wanted wedding pictures. She orchestrated every micromanagable moment of the whole darn episode. The Dress was “The Family Dress” , cake was from the local grocery store (1/2 sheet) and she was ticked off when my parents didn’t arrive from out of town when they were told to arrive. My mom had been in the hospital…. Then she had the nerve to ask me, “Well what’s wrong with you???” Must refill the Prozac….

  14. Maggie says:

    I really hope this was a joke. Unbelieveable! She should definitely make the dinner herself if she is that picky. If you want help, you need to lower your (terribly unrealistic and scary) standards a little…sheesh!

  15. technoreader says:

    Best. Letter. EVER! We need to see the Christmas letter!

    • Celeste says:

      No kidding. I would hate to see how other holidays and events happen. She’s probably the same type of persont that would plan her own surprise party!

  16. blue-eyes says:

    I’m annoyed just reading that, I couldn’t imagine actually being a member of that family. I’d have to disown her.

  17. Jak says:

    Marney actually has no friends of family, she just likes to pretend to organize these huge feasts, then sits down to a Swansons turkey dinner with no company except a parakeet that hasn’t moved in 3 years.

  18. monkeyandbugsmom says:

    Funny, I thought only the Gosselin family had holidays like this…

  19. CrypticHill says:

    I would be the Misto family……

  20. Nica says:

    The only thing Marney would be getting from me is my regrets…

  21. Steffy says:

    And my family thought my mother was crazy when she sent out an email asking everyone to pick from a list of appetizers to bring so that we wouldnt have duplicates!! This lady is insane!

    • Seanette says:

      Your mother makes sense to me. Who wants three or four people all bringing (for example) deviled eggs? Variety is good.

      As for Marney, either this was total parody or the woman needs to be in a rubber room. I wasn’t anywhere near like this about my WEDDING RECEPTION*, being a lot more interested in the people than in making the cover of Martha Stewart’s magazine. I’m quite sure everyone at the reception had a better time (and less indigestion) than Marney’s family.

  22. mrsmarvel says:

    Funny, I hosted a family Thanksgiving for 35 people one year and it was great! Everyone brought what they wanted to bring after we talked ON THE PHONE for a few minutes. We ate in shifts because I didn’t have enough plates and no one cared! Marnie needs to really pop a xanax and chill out. It’s a holiday to enjoy, not issue “orders”. Wow.

    • Zhi says:

      no joke, I think she misses the point of what Thanksgiving is really about. Maybe she’ll be stuck in an endless loop like Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day” and be forced to relive this day until she “gets” it.

  23. Lindsey says:

    I reeeeeally wish we could get a follow-up report from the family…

  24. joaniebaloney83 says:

    I think my boss wrote this letter and changed his name to Marney.

    • K-Mo says:

      I had the boss once too! I thought I was all alone in this world.

      PS: Get a new job and therapy. It’s the only way to survive. ;o)

  25. huminawah? says:

    Lisa in the Kitchen with the Arsenic or Michelle in the Foyer with a Pie Knife?

  26. Stacy says:

    I just feel sorry for her husband!

  27. Joanne says:

    I say everyone protest and nobody show up at Marnie’s house! Everyone else have a carefree day and make reservations at a nice local restaurant! Maybe next time Marnie won’t be so demanding on what her guests bring, what spoon they bring and how it should be prepared!

  28. Lisa says:

    Can we say control freak, who has some SERIOUS issues…. regulation size casserole dish??? CRAZY! Someone needs some meds!

  29. lagrange says:

    Thank God Thanksgiving is once a year; the woman puts “bear” in overbearing.

  30. Bequi says:

    I hope everyone showed up and brought what they were asked, but just a *little* bit wrong. Like used their own pumpkin pie recipe, or “I thought you said DO use the big blue bowl! Oops!” or mix the green beans and asparagus.

    I also hope they were all 30-45 minutes late, and refused to help clean up.

  31. Dharma says:

    I would slap that person! How over-controlling!

  32. Liz says:

    I’d take a big bag of doritos and call it good.

    • Kattjake says:

      Also bring a big bottle of chill pills for Marney!

    • Jennabobenna says:

      I’m actually embarrassed now. I almost always make bean dip, but Marney specifically outlawed any bean hors d’ ouvres. *hangs her head in shame*

  33. Alyssa says:

    I love how she says “Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time”… why does it strike me as her idea of ‘joking around’ is putting a blue bowl on a table with all white dishes. Oh the hilarity! Oh that Marney, such a comic. Color me surprised that she was ok with putting the extra mashed potatoes in plastic containers however. I thought they needed to go in etched sliver bowls… with lids of course.

    Amy… the black sheep of the family. She buys the pies. OH THE HORROR!!

  34. CatMoran says:

    Dear Marney,

    We hope you enjoy stuffing the turkey.

    The rest of the family will be enjoying Thanksgiving at a Chinese restaurant at an undisclosed location.

  35. LB says:

    Marney mentions having “quite a sense of humor”. I’m skeptical.

  36. Amice says:

    “Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders.”

    I think (and hope) that Marney has tried this before and has gotten in return, because she has quite a sense of humor; paper plates, tofurkey in tinfoil, overflowing turnips, gallons of cocktail sauce, pies with no pie knives (but obviously not from Amy Misto, the b*&%$), and obviously, SOUP SPOONS! God bless any of you who showed up even once!

  37. ohbrooke says:

    Is there a dress code?

    • Rubysarms says:

      Wear whatever you choose of course! As long as you wear trousers NOT jeans and skirts NOT dresses. Men should wear a colorful sweater of their choice, but nothing containing reds, greens or golds, as that would clash with the table setting. Women should stick with solids, not patterns, since the eating might have them looking bloated for picture taking. Men should wear loafters, preferrably chocolate brown, but mocha is acceptable. Woman should wear heels, except Lisa, who although is a married woman, can not be trusted with her own fashion choices.

    • Betsy says:

      As long as you bring your 15 lbs of mashed potatoes or a veggie platter that was just right in size, I think you could show up naked and Marney wouldn’t give you a second glance.

    • Rob says:

      haha yea I can’t believe she didn’t mention something about that.

    • firefly86 says:

      no. i think she just berates you for how you’re dressed when you get there. 🙂

  38. Gillian says:

    ugh i couldn’t even read the whole thing i was so annoyed

  39. Willow says:

    Okay, how about this: Marney has hosted Thanksgiving at her place and has done all the cooking and footed the entire bill for the last 10 years or so. The average attendance for this free holiday meal is around 20. Once the meal is consumed, all the guests vegetate in front of the television while Marney is alone in the kitchen, cleaning up.

    No thank you notes are received from any of the guests after any of these Thanksgiving feasts at Marney’s house. But every year around mid October, Marney gets phone calls from all the relatives with the question “What time should we be there for Thanksgiving this year?”

    Every Thanksgiving as Marney is running around trying to fill glasses and juggle the hostessing duties, the relatives are standing around telling each other how much it means to Marney that she is able to host them in her home, and what a favor they’re doing her by coming.

    Finally this last year, Marney decided enough was enough. She’s tired of doing all the work. Six months ago she had disc surgery because her back finally gave out. Next year her doctor told her that her knees will need replacing.

    So when the calls started coming about plans for Thanksgiving this year, she said, “I’ll be sending you a letter.”

    That’s about the only scenario I could think of where I could excuse a letter like this one from Aunt Marney.

    If the above scenario doesn’t describe Marney’s life, then Marney is a passive-aggressive harpy who really should spend the holidays alone.

    • me says:


      • IGiveUp says:

        Cripes. Even though I don’t agree with Willow in what s/he wrote, it was a contribution to this thread.

        You on the other hand, have added nothing.

    • laurie says:

      I don’t know…the first paragraph definitely alludes to this being her first planned Thanksgiving and that they all volunteered to help.

      They all agreed, thinking good-humored Marney would be a great host. But after this email, things got…awkward.

      • Amanda says:

        I don’t know – she made a mention of “not using the oversize blue dish you brought last year,” so this must be some kind of recurring thing.

        • Cate says:

          That and the whole LIDS…NOT ALUMINUM FOIL!!!!! thing. She seems to have previous foil vs. lids experience.

          • Toni says:

            honestly, I think the lids vs. foil is the only one that makes sense. It makes it much easier to stack things in the fridge if they have lids.

            Poor Marney. I bet her family hates her. 🙁

          • K-Mo says:

            In response to Toni’s idea that the lids help with stacking in the fridge: It does not seem as though Marney would allow her families rogue food to touch her fridge (or oven for that matter) seeing as how she asked them to bring the dishes at their appropriate temperatures.

            Never-mind if they have to drive 2 hours to get there and then wait through drinks and hors d’oeuvres before serving their dish. It better be piping hot or thoroughly chilled damnit!

      • Been there Ate that says:

        Great awkward responses. However, Marney would send only regulation letters, not mails. This way, she can write with regulation pens.

    • Karen says:

      there’s just a simple answer to that – you tell everyone that you’re sorry but you’ve made plans to go somewhere else with your family (dh and kids) that year so unfortunately you guys are on your own.

      but by the sounds of the letter it looks like it’s not the first time she’s demanded they bring stuff. maybe this is the first time she’s put it in writing who knows. and if it’s not the first time she’s done this then her family shouldn’t be surprised or angry since they obviously submitted to it last year.

    • Cheryl says:

      You know Willow, you might be onto something here.

      The Marney’s of this world are probably made, not born. All of you Amy Mistos out there should be ashamed of yourselves for aggravating a long-suffering, light-hearted woman to the point that she becomes…how was it said in an earlier post…”mad as a box of frogs.”

      Amy, she’s mad because you made her that way.

  40. Christine says:

    A case of beer and two bottles of wine are not going to satisfy the needs of a family that requires 15 pounds of potatoes.

  41. KatieMB says:

    Nothing else to say but OH. MY. GOD.

    No wait, I wanna add that even Burger King looks better than Thanksgiving dinner at Marney’s.

    Can I get a large fries with that?

  42. PissedChef says:

    WOW! With a need to micromanage like that you think she’d make it herself. Honestly it wouldn’t have been so bad if she left out the snarky comments.

  43. Morag says:

    “as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. ” Well, that’s told you, Lisa!!!

    I seriously hope everyone told her where to get off.

  44. Kathy says:

    If Marney’s like this at Thanksgiving, one can only imagine what Christmas must be like at her house.

    • Cheryl says:

      no, no, at Christmas she’s still FURIOUS about the insubordination of everyone at Thanksgiving. She refuses to host ANYTHING at least until Easter.

  45. Babylon4ever says:

    It’s going to take me awhile to get over this.

  46. Alicia says:

    No wire hangers, ever!!!!

  47. boo says:

    What size exactly is a regulation caserole?
    Mad as a box of frogs!!!!!!!!!

  48. Don says:

    Bob (with head bowed): We thank you for our family and this time of year when we realize how blessed we are. We thank you….
    Lisa: Uhmmmm Bob, I think Marney is choking on the wishbone.
    Bob: Hush Lisa….I’m praying

  49. yolanda says:

    “Tell me again why we still have Thanksgiving at Marnie’s house?”
    “Well it usually turns out well organized.”
    “Are you sure that’s exactly 15lbs?”
    “With or without the casserole?”
    “Without, she has her scale adjusted for regulation casserole pans.”
    “Oh, well we better leave some out then, I’ll feed it to the dog, how many grams is this pan again?”
    “Oh, you have to weigh the lid too.”
    “We’d better hurry, you know how that traffic gets and I’d hate to be the one that gets there last this year. You remember what happened to Amy last year!”

  50. deesha says:

    Precisely why I prefer to spend Thanksgiving in Vegas.

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