The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

 submitted by Kara at www.californiakara.com

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.

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3,042 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. Cheryl says:

    1) This letter needs to be on the Letterman show.

    2) Marnie needs her own show on the Food channel. We’ve had enough of that perky Rachel Ray. We’re ready for the pendulum to swing back to the Martha side of hostess-dom.

  2. Cheryl says:

    And what about those ONLY THREE OPTIONS, anyway?

    After great study, I CANNOT fathom what the third option is (after served hot or served room temp).

    Someone please help!

  3. Christine says:

    And just to spite this woman I would bring last night’s pizza (still in the icky box of course) and a half drunk 2 liter of diet Dr. Pepper. GAWD what a control freak. I get pissed just reading it and I don’t even know the woman. She has FRIENDS? Willing ones? Or those who are afraid of her I would think.

  4. emmah says:

    I would absolutely show up with a family bucket from KFC, a six-pack of Tecate, and a handful of sporks.

  5. Cheryl says:

    Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.

    Ummm, Marney, I don’t want to upset you or anything, but should I serve the pinwheel from my open hands?

  6. Kara says:

    Hi everyone,

    I sent this in to AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com, and have been getting a number of questions.

    Yes, this is a true letter. No, it’s not about my family, nor did I write it. It was written by a dear friend’s family member’s coworker. I got permission to post it, and I changed the names to protect the innocent from the litigious. :-)

    Glad you all like it!

    Kara

  7. tofudisan says:

    Passive aggressive much?

  8. MST says:

    During dinner, I’d have to reach over to Marney and shout out “Hey Marney… pull my finger!!!”

  9. Bonni says:

    This Thanksgiving, I will just be thankful I’m not in that family! My group is crazy as hell, but I’d take that any day over the Marney control-freak-fest.

  10. Maureen says:

    I’m going to send that letter to my family this year, with their names on it. I’ll let you know how it goes, if they don’t kill me.

  11. Cindy says:

    What exactly is Marney doing for this shin-dig, aside from ordering people around. Is she only making the turkey? She’s making everyone else bring a dozen things apiece, and all she is doing is the turkey? Once you get it all dressed, you can put it in the oven and leave it. I guess she’ll be sitting back and drinking all the alcohol.

    THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ!

  12. lucy says:

    I can’t even BELIEVE that someone really and truly wrote this! How insane is Marney!?

  13. Lars says:

    Only 2 bottles of chardonnay? I myself would find the need to premedicate.

  14. Troy says:

    Go look at the original submitters blogspot, the address is listed in the credits of the story.

    If you look at her November entries, she explains this letter. It is real, she just changed the names to protect herself.

    It’s funnier every single time I read it.

  15. Julie says:

    and Marney spent Thanksgiving alone………

  16. Sarynette says:

    OMG, this is amazing how people can be so organized & square !
    Fortunately i don’t belong to this family!

  17. Tim says:

    I think she forgot “no brown M&Ms”…..

    • Caroline says:

      Actually, when she sent me my personalized email, she requested I bring only the brown, yellow, and orange M&Ms, so it would be just the thanksgiving colors.

  18. Frank says:

    This reminds me of why we are not doing Thanksgiving with my wife’s family this year.
    I think the family should tell Marney to kiss their collective butts. They could send it in a “regulation” casserole dish.

  19. JinTX says:

    Dear Marney:

    A few comments on YOUR comments:

    ==>As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself.

    Actually I would not KNOW what a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner is like, since you have ruined every dinner in my memory

    ==>I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully.

    You are not particular – you are a control freak who cannot enjoy happiness, and believes misery deserves company. It is very wise of you to ask that no one bring KNIVES.

    ==>The Amy Misto Family **(why do I even bother she will never read this)

    Of course I read it – I passed it to my friends and coworkers. Fortunately my birthday was last week, everyone pitied me, and pitched in to treat me to dinner, and a HUGE gift certificate! My manager gave me Thanksgiving week OFF to deal with the stress of a crazy sister. Can you organize the Christmas dinner as well? I could use a few more days off during the holidays!

    ==>Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level.

    Lisa has really stepped up as an adult, in fact she has led the drive to restructure these dinners (See the NEXT comment for details)

    ==>These are your ONLY THREE options.

    Actually Marney, there is a FOURTH OPTION: Mike, Bob, Lisa, Michelle, June and I will be holding our own weenie roast at Lisa’s this year, complete with CHIP AHOY COOKIES and ROOT BEER FLOATS (Thanks Mike!) , JELLO JIGGLERS (You GO, Michelle!) BUDWEISER, TATER TOTS (compliments of June!!!) and GREEN BEEN CASSEROLE (Thanks Bob!) This will be a safer option for you (trust me), and it will spare our kids of this bitter memory you call a tradition.

    Peace, Love and GATORADE….
    Your Sister, Amy

  20. Yeah says:

    Marney needs all the alcohol so she can tolerate all the people she’s clearly better than. The rest need it to tolerate Marney.

  21. Linda says:

    Well….I see a few problems with the menu….is there going to be a turkey? Will Marney make the gravy?… it better not be lumpy….you can get a regulation gravy boat and ladle on e-bay…is there going to be whipped cream ? … pumpkin pie? This menu sounds pretty good to me except I would INSIST on all the serving dishes being white so as not to upset the table color scheme…Marney needs some pointers on how to really organize a party….everyone could wear white shirts and khaki’s…so any photos would be uniform…and she forgot to mention a time frame – they could eat between 1:00 and 1:45 -then a bathroom break with a drawing for time slots ~ photos at 2:05 prompt ~ clean up and disposal of water bottles at 2:30…guests out the door by 3:00 ~ providing they have designated drivers because of the large wine consumption…

  22. Mel says:

    Please tell me that no one showed up to the “No-thanks” giving dinner

  23. Poindexter says:

    Love the text shouting followed by an immediate contradiction: “…These are your ONLY THREE options [hot, cold, room temp.]. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.”
    Wait. Now I’m totally confused, Marney. Should I warm up the beer or not?

  24. Linda says:

    Dear Marney,

    Thank you for your invite. We will, unfortunately, not be attending, due to the fact that we have been invited to have dinner elsewhere.

    Mike, Bob, Lisa, Michelle, June, and Amy – dinner will be served at 5:00 p.m. No need to bring anything, especially NOT Marney!

  25. Mel says:

    I have a friend that writes his party invitations very similarly. He even goes into what one can wear to the party (he says they are “suggestions,” of course). Needless to say, he started getting declines to attend his parties.

  26. ard says:

    LOL!! I think much more alcohol is needed, even if this goes against Marney’s regulations!

  27. Bess says:

    Holy Crap! That sounds just like my mother-in-law! I wouldn’t bother coming under those terms!

  28. Rachel says:

    I would just bring Taco Bell

  29. r roddy says:

    I think everyone should just forget the food and bring the booze for Marney…Lighten up babe

  30. Julian says:

    Love
    Marney (knife needed)

  31. Valerie says:

    Uhm. 15 pounds of mashed potatoes? I guess each person can eat a pound… Marney probably needs to diet if she needs that much mashed potatoes. What’s a regulation serving size?

    • Silly Old Mom says:

      Well, you see, there’s regulation size, and there’s Olympic size…

    • Kimble says:

      You haven’t lived until you’ve had Thanksgiving at my mother-in-law’s! My first time there with them, I offered to help out in the kitchen. I was asked to melt 6 pounds of butter in a pan on the cooktop. Once it was all melted, I asked what was next. She asked me to step aside while she proceeded to whisk in some flour. While doing so, she smiled at me and told me it was her “gravy”!!! I didn’t stay long enough to find out, but I’m sure she served chest paddles for dessert! CLEAR!!

    • Tiara says:

      LOL! I didnt even think about it! My guess is the family will eat 2lbs and play “hide Aunt Marney’s face” with the rest

  32. colleen says:

    1 No-one likes turnips, why make it at all?
    2 There are too many casseroles
    3 Proscuitto pin wheel? What the hell is that? Whatever happened to just turkey, some fresh vegies, mashed potatos & gravy and salad? Our Thanksgivings were all just about simple wholesome food.
    4 Why is there only alcohol and water? No juice or pop?

    I’m reminded of the time George in Seinfeld was complaining about what they had to bring to a party and wanting to bring Ring-Dings and Pepsi (the chocolate babka episode). Lets bring that to Marny’s.

    • Jill says:

      Colleen, In response to question #4, I think alcohol is really a necessity at this function.

    • Kristi says:

      In response to question 3, a prosciutto pin wheel is either a roll of prosciutto and mozzarella, provolone, or cream cheese (depending on the maker) or puff pastry and the previous ingredients all rolled up. Think of it as an Italian “pigs-in-a-blanket.”

      As for Thanksgiving being about “simple food,” coming from an Italian family, this is normal/simple food. We also always have lasagna. Different American culture populations celebrate in different ways.

  33. Ali says:

    LOLOLOL WTH is the point of making a turnip casserole if she already knows that no one wants to eat it? LMAO @ her comment to her daughter and Amy. Hilarious.

    However, while she does sound nuts… she has 6 families coming over! I’d want everything planned out, too.

    But, I see wrote she’s always like this.. Oh Marney, get a life.

  34. Karenn says:

    Who gets to bring the cross bow?

    • Owlette says:

      I suspect most of the guests will be bringing a cross-bow.

    • RockitQueen says:

      Marney EXPLICITLY asked you to bring a compound bow, NOT a cross-bow. And no pie knife.

      • Cheryl says:

        good one RockitQueen!

      • NOTpc says:

        You may be needing that cross bow because I am also bringing the turkey. A live turkey. Tossing it in the door as soon as Marney and her family open the door. (You know they all answer the door together on ThanksGiving hell day)

        • Cheryl says:

          Brilliant!! Toss it in then run like hell laughing like a maniac while running back to your car tossing spare soup spoons and pie knives back over shoulder leaving a trail of them across the lawn behind you. You’ll surely displace Amy Misto as the legendary rebel in the family.

  35. Sue says:

    Are you kidding me?! And I thought holidays with my in-laws were bad!

    • Sarah says:

      My in-laws are like this, I once got in trouble because I mixed my crackers on the platter. You are to put only one type of cracker on each platter so that people know exactly what kind of cracker they are getting.

  36. Tiara says:

    I sent this to my co-workers and added what we can bring at the end

    I say we all show up. Cindy may bring the 3lbs of turnips OVERFLOWING in a non-regulation casserole dish. Two Kroger brand neopolitan ice cream tubs and 7 gallons of bottled water.

    Melissa can bring 2.5lbs of green beans and 2.5lbs of asparagus mixed together covered in foil in a cheese-whiz sauce and two cases of Natty Light.

    Jeanette, as a married woman, can bring chips and dip with a Wal-mart meat n chesse deluxe platter. And shrimp stewing in cocktail sauce..also a bottle of Wal-marts finest wine, at least 7.50.

    Becky can bring stove top with a plastic spoon with pork bits chopped up in between. She should also bring squash uncooked in a non regulation casserole dish and screw a serving spoon..serving fork all the way baby! Also, dont stick to the proscuitto recipe..go wild! and dont bring a pie knife. I’m not inviting Amy cuz she doesnt read her emails so there wont be pie.

    I’ll bring 2 pounds of mashed potatoes in a plastic serving bowl I got from Big Lots. I wont be using the oversized blue serving dish from last year because we’re using that to mix the Natty Light, Kroger wine, and Chardonnay in. If we plan to make it through this thing we must be drunk.

    Looking forward to the 28th!

    Tiara

  37. El Kev says:

    I’m personally waiting for the inevitable war of words between Bob and Mike Byron.

  38. Jessica says:

    Seriously, if I got this letter from a family member, we’d be booking it to Denny’s for Thanksgiving dinner!!! Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather have a grand slam breakfast for dinner.

  39. Quin says:

    I especially love the “as a married woman” line. Classy.

    • Doc says:

      . . . with “participate at the adult level” a close second.

    • amanda says:

      i love how it says ‘at the adult level’. that implies that there is a child level of required participation.

    • Audrey says:

      and”contribute at the adult level”

    • Carole says:

      “As a married woman, you have proven yourself worth of love and since you are now no longer a source of pity or being forced to sit a the children’s table, please bring a F*(#ing vegetable platter.”

      • Caroline says:

        She probably still had to sit at the kids’ table with all her ten year old nieces and nephews even though she was 27, and that’s why she felt compelled to get married in the first place.

  40. Kristin says:

    Sweet mother of Martha, and I thought I was particular.

    Marney, are you trying to make sure you NEVER have to have Thanksgiving at your house again?

  41. Lili says:

    Marney’s emails are probably all going into Amy’s spam filter. She sounds like a serial forwarder – that’s probably the “sense of humor” she’s talking about.

  42. kiki says:

    next time i meet someone named Marney, i’m going to ask what is the regulation size on a casserole dish.

  43. Kattjake says:

    She must have been really upset with the June Davis family about last years debacle with the blue casserole dish…really who remembers the color of a dish someone brought a year ago. She must have made notes or just burned that horrible offending dish into her mind forever.

  44. Sarah says:

    I hope they used the blue dish and put Marney in tears

    • Jensco says:

      Hahahahaha!!! I love it!

    • Terrifying! says:

      I’m guessing that if they used the blue dish, Marney wasn’t the one in tears… or stitches.. or a cast.

    • Violet says:

      I was thinking the same thing! I’d turn up with store brand ice cream, a non-regulation casserole dish full of green beans and asparagus in a nice soupy cheese sauce (tented with tin foil of course), a soup spoon to serve it with, and five of the veggie platters from the grocery store.

      Just to watch the blood vessels burst.

  45. lindsay says:

    This letter will help us ALL remember to stay relaxed this Thanksgiving.

  46. Your joking right says:

    Bet Marney has a lot of leftovers……ummmm, something suddenly came up, maybe next year, love ya, mean it. P.S. Marney is definitely NOT a southern girl.

    • Autumn says:

      That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. No Southern woman would write that;-) And prosciutto, while yummy, is not something you would see at a Southern Thanksgiving.

      • Caroline says:

        You can’t have a good Southern Thanksgiving without some baked mac and cheese, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole (she mentioned green beans, but I think the traditional casserole has cheese in it? Too bad for Mike), and pecan pie. No way no how. And bring some pigs in blankets and deviled eggs for the appetizers, Lisa, none of that crudités stuff.

  47. Heather says:

    I volunteered with a lady who wrote e-mails like this. Needless to say, I don’t volunteer with her anymore.

    Can we say, control freak?

  48. Linda says:

    I’m so thankful I don’t have to go to Marney’s for Thanksgiving!!!!!

  49. OMG says:

    I would rather eat a turkey dinner in prison than go to Marney’s-

  50. Jamie says:

    What the heck is a “regulation casserole dish”?

    • Gourd says:

      I believe that’s a traditional 3 quart dish. Really, we should call Marney and find our, but I’m kinda scared. Maybe we should just go to McDonald’s for thanksgiving.

    • Jennabobenna says:

      That’s what I was wondering? How big was that blue oversized dish she used last year?

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