Awkward Family Story: Horse Jerky

February 28th, 2010

Dear Suzy,

Am waiting at Woody Froom’s for them to finish relining our back brakes. Bought some horsemeat this morning to make jerky. Bet that you can hardly wait to get home and have some. Doug had two days so he came to Portland last night. Paula was out on a date with a new boyfriend and didn’t get home until 2 a.m. I could have clobbered her. The weather has been icky for us and I bet for you too. Only in Oregon could you have this sort of weather in July. We have been so pleased to receive your letters. Camp sounds great. If it isn’t full now maybe it won’t be next week. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. I miss my salad maker.

Love, Mom

(submitted by Suzanne)

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105 Responses to “Awkward Family Story: Horse Jerky”

  1. 80sgirl says:

    …If Europeans give their Grand Prix show jumpers and event horses the same meds we give ours…I don’t wanna know where they get the stuff that …IS…”fit for human consumption”

  2. chicharrone says:

    hat to be a neigh-sayer, but how can sch things be?

  3. kim says:

    ahh!!! is the horsemeat rotting in the car while the brakes are done?

  4. Ugh! says:

    My grandma made salad. This was the salad: chopped iceberg lettuce in a green jello mold. Gosh, I miss that.

  5. Celeste says:

    No wonder why Suzy was a “salad maker”, every time she came home from camp her poor horse was gone and made into jerky.

  6. allison says:

    Americans don’t eat horses because of the sheer amount of drugs they are given; wormers, vaccinations, topical and oral antibiotics that are known carcinogens to humans. If the Euros are comfy consuming all that, rock on.

  7. Kathy says:

    This sounds like a phone call from my mother….

  8. bellefemmeici says:

    This cracks me up because it is exactly the kind of thing my mom would write. She means well, she is trying to keep in touch but cannot think of things to talk about. As a result she will come up with a bunch of random sentences and put them all together.
    Nothing with horse jerky though.

  9. Alicia says:

    Did anyone else surmise that horsemeat is actually code for, “I actually did clobber Paula and made her into jerky”?

    • Boppie says:

      Yup. See my comment on February 28 about horsement being a euphemism like ‘long pig’ for human flesh…

      [I just read a book about cannibals and learned that phrase, long pig, and have been looking for a chance to throw it into conversation. Thanks, AFP!]

  10. Lily says:

    Horses are pets here in the USA. So same reason we don’t eat dog meat here, although other countries eat it. Ditto rabbit. Pets are not for consumption.

    • Kross says:

      In other countries that eat dogs, they also tend to keep them as pets. I like a multi-purpose animal.

    • ac says:

      Hate to break it to you, but rabbits are often food in the USA.

    • maggie says:

      I had chickens, horses, and pigs as pets; and though we never ate the horses we did sell some at the auction and some were bought for glue and meat. We did eat our pigs and our chickens. I’m not suggesting that you go kill fifi and eat her, but I do find you incredibly ignorant to believe that all these animals aren’t eaten just because some people have them as pets.

      • ka-ron says:

        This is sooo silly. Humans eat animals. They eat barnyard animals, wild animals, marine life (both mammal and fish), rodents and reptiles and even those that others keep as pets. Why all the mean comments to each other about being ignorant or disgusting? Hell…the only thing that would cause me some concern is if humans are eating other humans. And I would do that if it meant survival.

        • Kooza says:

          Hey, Ka-ron, your last name isn’t Donner is it?

        • justme says:

          All good points, ka-ron. This place needs a dose of moderation now and then.

          Now…having said that….remind me to never go on vacation with you…..especially if it involves camping or hiking in a remote area…. :)

  11. Return to the wild lady says:

    Hey is this the same Suzy that posted the awkward pregnant lady in the bamboo field. That was me.. how’d you get my pic… on facebook. I have since changed my settings I was just wondering. PS- the comments were HILARIOUS!!

  12. Rev says:

    The other white meat.

  13. cristy says:

    “Why Aunt Susy’s family is vegetarian.”

  14. Schue says:

    Horsemeat. It’s what horses are made of. In next week’s instalment: Chicken.

  15. Zach says:

    Man: Hey, you got a new horse!

    Other Man: Yeah, hes a nice fella. He’s a little jerky, though.

  16. Dani says:

    Horse meat is delicious! My husband is originally from the Netherlands, and I always ask my MIL to make horse steak while we’re there. Have also had horse sausage. Don’t care for horse lunchmeat, though. Why is horse meat so taboo in the States?

  17. Tom Flapwell says:

    That’s a paragraph?

  18. durhay says:

    I assume dessert would be Jell-O.

  19. Alan says:

    PS,Suzy,when I said ”bought” some horse meat,um,I actually have some news for you….Your pony Clip Clop,well,he is now,um….

  20. Kat says:

    Seriously, people haven’t heard of horse meat? It’s not that unusual . . .

    • Kathy says:

      In Switzerland where I live, horse meat is very, very common. I can’t bring myself to try it, but it just comes down to cultural differences. People also eat lamb here, and in France, both duck and rabbit are pretty normal to order at a restaurant. Why is it any more right to eat cows, chickens, turkeys, and fish? It’s just because we’re used to it! It’s what we grew up with.

      • Kross says:

        Lamb and duck are both common in America as well~~to get good duck, you might have to go to an upscale restaurant, but you can get lamb at places like Outback or Cheesecake Factory.

        Rabbit is also a popular staple in the American south.

    • Boppie says:

      It’s not what we’ve heard of, it’s what we’re willing to tolerate eating. Europeans, and most other cultures, eat far more animals, and more parts of the animals they do eat, than Americans do. I don’t mind calling myself a sissy, and saying I’m not going to eat tripe, sweetmeats, tongue, liver, or most of the non-chop, loin, or roast parts of the cow. And I’m definitely NOT eating horse. I love horses. I still collect Breyer horses from when I was a little girl.
      I don’t know much about Portland, Ore. in the 1950′s, but I doubt it had an Amazing Race/Man vs. Wild/post-apocalypse survival at all costs environment – so no call for horse jerky in my book. And I can’t IMAGINE when black pudding would be appropriate. Uuuhhhh.

  21. wes says:

    i feel awkward after reading that

  22. chris says:

    Hey, it’s jockey jerky!

  23. chris says:

    Maybe Suzy wanted to stay for an extra week at camp so she could avoid the horse jerky, but she can only stay if the camp isn’t full? At first I thought maybe they were super poor and had to eat what was cheap, but then Suzy probably wouldn’t be off at camp… Assuming Suzanne who submitted this is Suzy grown up, I hope she’ll explain the choice of meat, or maybe they just refered to poor cuts of beef as “horsemeat” and made jerky from them? I hope?

  24. Janelle says:

    Gotta say that I am really intrigued by the story … would love to see the picture!

  25. AmyT says:

    where’s the photo?

  26. Parklove says:

    Is it bad that this letter makes me scared that I live in Portland,Or? That woman drives on the same roads I’m on!

  27. DrNels says:

    That’s one of the sweetest notes I’ve ever read.

  28. Teacher says:

    I have actually eaten a horse steak while in Russia about 17 years ago….it was actually very very good…but to be fair I was also very very hungry because the meal I was served earlier that day was WHALE and it was GROSS!!!!!!

  29. Isdlt says:

    I’m more concerned about the comment: “If it isn’t full now maybe it won’t be next week. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.” Wow…Mom!

    • Jabi says:

      What is she even talking about? what is it that isn’t full and that she doesn’t want to be full next week?…

    • sara says:

      Me too! What on earth does that mean?

      • loribelle says:

        I think she is referring to the camp. If the camp is not full, maybe that is good..maybe because more space in the cabin..or maybe she is a counselor so less kids to watch…I’m guessing counselor because that would be the reason why she is there the next week at camp too?

      • Darklion says:

        Suzy is apparently off at summer camp. I think mom is referring to camp not being full. Although, I can’t see that mattering too much unless Suzy was a camp counselor. Then it would mean less kids to look after.

      • Cheri says:

        Maybe the girl likes camp better when it isn’t full and crowded.

    • Boppie says:

      Well, maybe Suzy doesn’t have to share a cabin, a bunkbed, or a bathroom this week at camp because camp isn’t full? So Mom is hoping for her sake that camp also won’t be full next week? We should be more worried if Suzanne had also submitted some newspaper clippings from the same era about missing campers…which would mean that Mom was doing more than just keeping her fingers crossed, that ‘horsemeat’ was a euphemism like ‘long pig’, and this whole thing was really a subtly coded cry for help!

    • John III says:

      The outhouses?

    • Des says:

      Having been to several summer camps as a kid, I would think this goes back to Suzy telling her mom how happy she is the camp isn’t full. If the camp isn’t full she is only having to share her cabin with a couple of other girls; it also means shorter wait times for showers and sink time.

  30. Nicola says:

    I’m not going to tell someone they can’t eat horse. We eat pigs and chickens and cows and bison and ostrich and use horses for glue… may as well use the meat. Sheesh.

  31. Ginitas says:

    Ha ha….for Molly Mud: When she says “I miss my Salad Maker” she means her daughter, who I guess helps make dinner at home by preparing the salad (greens). And Jerky is thin cut meat thats been cured and dried out to a usually hard chewy consistency. It sorta preserves the meat so I won’t spoil very fast and doesn’t need refrigeration. A snack…..

  32. scruffy says:

    When I was growing up there were a couple of rules about the evening meal. If you weren’t sitting at the table when it was served, you didn’t eat. And every Thursday was liver. I always made sure that I was late on Thursday evenings. Going hungry was better than liver.

    At Suzy’s I would have been late for every meal that contained the word “horsemeat.” And I hope to never see that word associated with human food ever again.

    Yuck. I’m gonna be sick.

    Suzy probably made salad to make sure she could avoid the horsemeat.

  33. Molly Mud says:

    Forgive me, I’m English. What is a salad maker?! What is Jerky?! Does she want to turn Beauty into black pudding?!

    • Liz says:

      I think the daughter makes the salad at dinner so that makes her the salad maker. Jerky is dried meat. Usually beef or turkey.

      • Gravity's Rambo says:

        Don’t forget squirrel. Squirrel jerky is exceptional.

      • scruffy says:

        English is a tricky language, Molly. So listen to Liz there. And Mom already did turn “Black Beauty” into “Black Pudding”.

        For you Americans, understand that black pudding is a scrapple like meat dish with blood added for flavour and colour. That is not made out of horsemeat does not make it any less gross. But it is all part of the traditional Full English breakfast, which includes you pudding, sausage, baked beans, tomato and a slice of fried spuds.

    • Snowrider says:

      Forgive me…I’m American….what’s “Black Pudding”?

    • Don says:

      That’s ok…I’m American and I was wondering what the heck a Woody Froom is. This letter has everything from curfew violations, impending natural disasters, premeditated assaults, to major issues with PETA. Suzanne…you are so lucky.

      • Suzanne says:

        Woody Froom is the tire shop. And yes, I was a very lucky girl.
        Thanks for your post, it totally cracked me up.

  34. Momma T says:

    “I miss my salad maker” WHAT A TEASE! There’s got to be a story behind that to be thrown in so randomly at the end. I’m dying to know what happened to the salad maker!

  35. wvufan says:

    Where, pray tell, do you go to buy horsemeat? Is it the “meat of choice” to make jerky? How much is horsemeat a pound? Why would a person do such a thing? Paula probably came home late to avoid the aroma of drying horsemeat in the house.

    • Jana says:

      Horse meat is actually delicious. Hamburger or salami. I’ve never had a jerky though.

    • charmy_canuck says:

      Actually you can buy it, You can also buy alligator, kangaroo, ostrich, and many other exotic meats, you just need to know where to go…Alligator is actually quite tasty ;)

      • Jennifer says:

        So wrong. So gross. What is wrong with you people? Would you eat dogs too?

      • Ken says:

        Tastes like chicken!

      • Lily says:

        No like seriously alligator is like amazingly delicous! AND IT DOES kinda taste like chicken! No joke! only better….
        and I’d probaly try dog if it was wild and prepared correctly.

        • Ashley says:

          First off, Why “wild”? No meat we eat is wild anymore if you’ve bought it. Cattle, Pigs, and Chicken are all domesticated and are sometimes kept as pets. As in, not wild. And being a horse person myself, Horses are worth so much more to most of us than just pets. My horses are more accustomed to people and better trained than most dogs (“most” meaning not the ones that are trained to do jobs) and are definitely not wild.
          And on the prepared correctly thing… What do you define as correctly? If you’ve eaten at any fast food joint or restaraunt, did you know the meat was prepared correctly there? Chances are they probably weren’t

  36. Boppie says:

    I always used to complain to my sisters that Mom never wrote me letters when I was at camp…

  37. Stacey says:

    So, is Suzy the salad maker or did she just take it??

  38. Michelle says:

    OMG, is that even legal?? Gross!

  39. joaniebaloney83 says:

    Wow, talk about your stream of consciousness!

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