Awkward Family Itinerary

April 8th, 2010

From: Beverly ____[Addresses Omitted]
Date: Mon, Apr 5, 2009 at 6:04 PM
Subject: Jack’s B-day week agenda…
To: [Addresses Omitted]

Hi everyone,

We could not be more excited about Jack’s upcoming 1st birthday and the fact that he gets to share it with his entire family both near and far. This many people may be somewhat overwhelming for Jack in the beginning so my advice to everyone is to not over-stimulate him but instead give him a chance to get used to all the excitement. This is a week all about JACK and we want it to be amazing for him. The places we are going are his favorites. The food we chose are the foods he loves the most.

I have put together the following agenda…

Monday, April 13
(Steve works 11-3:15)
8:30 am: Bonnie and Jack leave for Charlotte NC
12:00 pm: Grannie and Gramps arrive (lunch in Charlotte)
6:00 pm: Dinner at house (to be prepared by Steve)

Tuesday, April 14
(Steve works 9:45-5)
-Breakfast at home (eggs, grits and hash browns)
-Party supply store (Bon, Jack, Grannie and Gramps)
-Lunch Sticky Fingers
7:05 pm: Riverdogs Baseball Game (dinner at park)

Wednesday, April 15
(Steve works 3:30-9:15)
-Breakfast at home (biscuits and gravy)
-Columbia Zoo (Bon, Jack, Grannie, Gramps)
-Lunch in Columbia
-Dinner at home (Spaghetti and meatballs)

Thursday, April 16 (JACK’s BIRTHDAY)
-Breakfast at home (home-made waffles)
-Charleston Aquarium
-Lunch downtown Charleston/Cupcake Store
6:00 Birthday dinner at Nana’s House
MENU (meatloaf, mac-n-cheese, broccoli, cupcakes)

Friday, April 17
(Steve works 11-3:15)
4:30 am: Drew, Doug and Katia leave for Charleston
-Patty and Tommy drive to Charleston
-Breakfast at house (cinnamon buns)
10:30 am: Jack Dr, apt (1 year checkup)
-Pick up food and cake for party
-Charleston Kids Museum
-Lunch at the Buccaneer
-Dinner at Kelly’s BBQ when everyone arrives

Saturday, April 18
-9:30 leave house for breakfast at Golden Coral
-Tour around Downtown Charleston
-Lunch at Red’s on Shem Creek
6:00 Party
Food platters and cake

Sunday, April 19
-Drew, Doug, Katia, Patty and Tommy leave
-Breakfast at home (bagels and spread for when people leave)
-Folly beach (Steve and Gramps fish)
-Lunch at Folly Beach
-Dinner at home (grill at Nana’s house/burgers and dogs)

Monday, April 20
8:00 am: leave for Charlotte to take Grannie and Gramps
Steve, Jack and Bonnie to spend day in Charlotte

We look forward to seeing everyone and everyone seeing Jack.

Drive and fly safe,

The Harris-Driver Family*

(submitted by Andrea)

*names, dates, and locations have been changed to protect the awkward family

562 Responses to “Awkward Family Itinerary”

  1. jitterbug says:

    This is how my sister would be if she had been children. I am the opposite, have children and make her NUTS with my spontanaity!

  2. Gennie says:

    My baby was born on the exact same day as Jack! Wow… I wonder if they’d mind us tagging along. All I have planned for this year is mini cupcakes to be eaten at the tennis courts (so the kids are essentially caged in at the park) and a toothbrush holder for a gift. I’m sure we could learn to like grits.

  3. Dan Brennan says:

    I’m sure the one-year-old baby will treasure his fond memories from tour of downtown Charleston for years to come. Sheesh. Take the kid around Target for an hour or two. Its far more colorful, a lot closer, easier to park, and the kid will enjoy it much more. Trust me. I’m the father of five kids.

    • Natty says:

      You are so right…my kids would almost rather go to Target than Chuck E. Cheese. :)

      • Dan Brennan says:

        …and if you have one teething, buy a pretzel at the snack counter and ask the kid behind the counter if if he/she will get you a frozen one.

  4. Megan says:

    She put more into planning this than I did my wedding and immediate cross-continent move COMBINED. Chill out, woman!

  5. Samantha says:

    I’m viewing this site from the state prison where I’m serving 3 consecutive life sentances for armed robbery, grand theft auto, possession of cocaine with intent to sell, assault and battery plus charges of animal torture and neglect.

    I blame this solely on the fact that my mom didn’t make sure I was AMAZED the entire week of my first birthday.

    This mother should be commended.
    Or medicated.


  6. OKfrank2 says:

    Marney is still the champ, but this comes close. A new way to spell C-O-N-T-R-O-L

  7. DB says:

    Behold the creation of a narcissist.

  8. Meredith says:

    I need a nap after reading all this. Too bad little Jack doesn’t get one.

  9. Coll says:

    Does anyone agree with me that it’s perhaps Steve who sent this in? If was the spouse of this “event planner,” I’d LOVE to vent to AFP.

  10. AwkWerrrd says:

    I am just glad that Jack is old enough to remember the insanity. Oh wait “ONE?!?” – yikes. Can you imagine 16? – LoL!

  11. kj says:

    This kid will never remember all of that crap. Talk about over-indulgent parents. Gah.

  12. cjgs1 says:

    I have a friend that has done this for years for both of her kids. And the only place they go for vacation is Disney World. I’m afraid to ask, but I’m pretty sure that she has reserved the damned place for her daughter’s wedding.

  13. catherine blair says:

    what are they feeding this one year old? Biscuits and gravy, waffles., meatloaf, mac-n-cheese, broccoli, cupcakes,eggs, grits and hash browns… Just how FAT and unhealthy is this family expecting their baby to be? Even the adults should not have this diet!!!

  14. Shilo says:

    this sounds like a recipe for disaster and some heightened expectations. I prefer just photos on awkward family though.

  15. victoria says:

    This poor kid would not know by the end of the week if he was coming or going! There is times I have not been out to eat that many times in one month.

  16. Christy says:

    Would love to see what this kid is like as a teenager.

  17. Erin says:

    I made one of those. When I got MARRIED.

    I really hope someone made this up, for the sake of poor Jack.

    My child will be turning one in a couple weeks. Here’s her itinerary: Go to grandma and grandpa’s house. eat pizza. smash cake. open presents. take a bath. go to bed.

    The end.

  18. Meredith says:

    I have to admit though, the South Carolina Aquarium (in Charleston) is pretty cool.

    • Tracy says:

      Yeah it is…but for a one year old??? I took my 2 1/2 year old there a couple of weeks ago, she enjoyed all the pretty fish but I cannot for the life of me see a 1 year old enjoying it at all.

  19. Mah says:

    Is it wrong that I wish for a devastating hurricane to hit there about 5:30 Tuesday evening?

  20. margit williford says:

    talk about over kill for a 1 y.o. birthday party! Is this for him or mommy?! She feeds this kid at that many restaurants in one week…..he must be enormous as they probably are!

  21. Sez Me says:

    WTH! What is this, Grey Gardens? I almost imagine this kid with his own little entourage.

  22. Carrie says:, this is a riot! I wonder if everyone knows one of these kinds of families? I was totally picturing some friends of ours as I was reading it…they are the type that document and share their kids’ bowel habits with their entire circle. They actually would send us preschool art projects that their kid did in daycare along with their family newsletter…and we weren’t even that close to them. I don’t even bore my parents with that crap from their own grandkids! Too funny.

  23. Alan says:

    If I was Steve,I’d be going to work early & staying back late.

  24. SarahJayne says:

    One can only hope that on Monday April 12 Steve told darling Bonnie that he was suddenly required to work mandatory overtime. Lots of mandatory overtime. Poor bastard.

  25. Patty says:

    Goodness, give the kid a small “smash cake” and call it a day.

  26. Gail says:

    Boy, this kid is going to need therapy.

  27. mumma2bubba says:

    I agree with Pret24, that week would be waaay to much for a one year old, it’s a recipe for lots of screaming.

    Pleased I wasn’t invited to the festivities because I’d put on at least 10 pounds with all the goodies that were being served.

  28. DaddysSister says:

    I’ve got $20 that says this family will insist and swear on a stack of 20 bibles that they don’t spoil their kid. A birthday week??? No one is that special. NO. ONE.

    For a one year old – a mini-cake/cupcake they can eat with their fingers and make a big mess with, a song, a new toy, maybe a paper crown to wear as you take a few snapshots — that’s all you need.

  29. Justine says:

    Oh, and by the way – this is good, but Marney is still the queen!!!!

  30. J.Allen says:

    That kid needs siblings, fast!

  31. floss says:

    He’s one. Take it down a peg.

  32. Aut says:

    No, Jack’s not going to grow up with a “the-world-revolves-around-me” complex. He’s also not going to need therapy when he’s an adult and doesn’t want mommy running his life to the minute anymore either.

    • Julie says:

      I know people like this, and their kids are MESSED UP. Their kids also don’t know how to do ANYTHING for themselves, and think that they must be entertained 24/7. I know this mom thinks she’s doing something great for her kid, but she’s just setting him up to be a selfish brat who thinks everyone should drop everything for him.

      I sense that there is probably a Jon/Kate relationship with mom & dad, also. Just sayin’

  33. TJ says:

    Who’s Marney?

  34. Al says:

    Uh, yeah, wtf are “Sticky Fingers”?

  35. Justine says:

    Haha! Love it. I guarantee that Prince Jack is this gal’s first child. I remember being a little too caught up in what theme to use for our 1st son’s first birthday … by the 3rd kid, you take ‘em to Chuck E. Cheese and are pleased if the relatives send a card with a $5-spot in it.

    • John III says:

      You got that right Justine. I have friend who he and his wife (now ex-wife) planned huge B-days for both of their girls for three years straight. Drove me nuts…

  36. Hardstocl says:

    Sheesh…. These people eat a lot of krappy food. Little Jack is going to be tired, cranky and have a stomach ache. So, in this famil, does everyone (except steve who is in the unfortunate position of being employed apparently) just drop what they’re doing for 1+ week to hang out with a one year old?

    • Charlene says:

      That’s what I was thinking too. Most of it is far too high in fat for a little guy (well, for anyone). This is just asking for a sick, tired, worn-out baby and a resentful extended family.

      But the worst part is that you just know that they’re going to do this every year. This kid is going to learn year after year that he is the most important person on the planet. Way to create a planet-sized sense of entitlement there.

    • Theocentrica says:

      I don’t feel sorry for Steve. At all.

  37. lisa says:

    the dates are wrong, which makes me think this is made up. in the subject line, it says 2009, but the days correspond with 2010 (for example, april 15 2009 was a wednesday not a thursday)

  38. HeatherW says:

    I’ll bet they’d lose their minds if someone suggested “Hey, how about pizza tonight instead of meatloaf?” I’m thinking a Mommie Dearest scenario –


  39. mycaricature says:

    How sad is it that I didn’t see *quite* what was wrong with this at first? This is how my father raised us — exactly.

  40. Fredhead says:

    So… Jack is just turning one, and his favorite foods are grits, hashbrowns, eggs, broccoli, meatloaf, cupcakes, and his favorite places are the Charleston Aquarium, the Buccaneer, and Kelly’s BBQ…? I have a sneaking suspicion that Jack maybe didn’t have as active a role in creating the itinerary as Mom is implying.

  41. Aaron says:

    All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

  42. Kelli says:

    I wonder if she’s related to Marney

  43. AC says:

    Yeah, this is way more flexible and pleasant than Marney. I can totally see myself doing something like this. Oops.

  44. HJW says:

    I think I’ll be skipping lunch on Tuesday. Thanks anyhow.

  45. Pret24 says:

    I love “don’t over-stimulate him [with your company]“. but let’s drag him all over town for 8 straight days, each with a full day’s itinerary. It’s very, very sweet they want to do this for their child, but when’s the munchkin gonna nap? Not only is the kid going to not remember this special week, he’s gonna throw the tired/cranky hissy-fit of a lifetime that she SO DOESN’T have scheduled. :/ She’ll be dragging him through the zoo while he’s doing the Toddler Drop. For the people who don’t know – it’s when the kid goes limp so you can’t pick them up.

    • Barbie says:

      WIN! .. no nap.. the toddler drop.. LOL!! *sigh*

    • Don says:

      Exactly where I was going to go with this. Looks like everyone will be chowing down good ( hot dogs, waffles, burgers, sticky fingers (?) while our little birthday bundle of joy is being spoon fed Gerbers squash and chicken w/rice (plus what ever he picks up off the nasty floor at the aquarium). I’m a little concerned about Steve and his work schedule…poor soul probably doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

    • Dona says:

      I love all of the dinners that take place pretty much during or after bedtime for a one-year old. Even my non-sleeping oldest needed to be heading to bed by 8 at the latest. She didn’t mention who is bringing the pack and play and where everyone is sleeping, so I guess this could be more OCD…

      • Cp says:

        Bedtime for a 1 year old is 6:00 pm?? 8:00 is fine, but 6? That’s way too early.

        • Nobody says:

          6:00 is not too early for a 1 year old. Both of mine were consistently ready for bed at that time.
          I would have preferred for them to stay up later, so I could see them when I got home, but I wasn’t going to force them to stay awake late for my sake.

    • Amice says:


    • Suity Hip says:

      My thoughts exactly. Plus they mention the kid has a doctor’s appointment, where he’ll probably get shots. And after shots kids usually want to cuddle and sleep not get dragged around the city for his mom’s benefit. I agree its sweet that she wants her kid to have a special birthday, but she’s got to think about who’s really going to have fun and who could care less.

    • mcdave says:

      Actually, it’s even worse than dragging him all over town. I see at least 4 or 5 cities/towns across 2 states in that itinerary–inland and on the coast!

      • duff says:

        i was trying to work out whether they’re based in columbia or charleston. from columbia, charlotte’s a little over an hour away, and charleston’s between 1 1/2 and 2 hours away.

        if you’re going to cart the kid around the state, what about the greenville/spartanburg area? surely she’s not going to deprive her child of his first hike in the upstate….or would that tip the balabce of the itinerary toward “overstimulation”?

    • schaudenfrida says:

      Plus, as has been mentioned HE’S ONE YEAR OLD!!!!!!! He won’t remember anything. And what’s with this “birthday WEEK” business?? Is this a new trend among parents?

    • salekelas says:

      Hopefully Jack’s mom will learn as she goes. Lord knows I had big ideas when I had my first child, and she quickly taught me that she didn’t give a hoot about my big ideas or what my parenting books said. After a solid weeks of over-stimulated, under-napped, toddler-dropping Jack attacks, his Mommy might learn to relax a little.

  46. mrsw says:

    I have OCD and even I am flabbergasted by this incredible amount of organization. Wowzers.

  47. CMH says:

    I have to wonder if this isn’t made up to rival Marney’s unbridled dysfunction.

  48. Chlost says:

    I just wonder if this is a birthday for a child or a dog……you really never know these days!

  49. Heather says:

    Sorry, but that doesn’t come close to Marney Mania.

  50. Monique says:

    Who in the hell, other than a grandparent, flies in for a 1yr old’s party? Kids that young only need a cake and a song. They have no idea what’s going on anyway.

    Oh, and MARNEY!

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