Awkward Family Itinerary

April 8th, 2010

From: Beverly ____[Addresses Omitted]
Date: Mon, Apr 5, 2009 at 6:04 PM
Subject: Jack’s B-day week agenda…
To: [Addresses Omitted]

Hi everyone,

We could not be more excited about Jack’s upcoming 1st birthday and the fact that he gets to share it with his entire family both near and far. This many people may be somewhat overwhelming for Jack in the beginning so my advice to everyone is to not over-stimulate him but instead give him a chance to get used to all the excitement. This is a week all about JACK and we want it to be amazing for him. The places we are going are his favorites. The food we chose are the foods he loves the most.

I have put together the following agenda…

Monday, April 13
(Steve works 11-3:15)
8:30 am: Bonnie and Jack leave for Charlotte NC
12:00 pm: Grannie and Gramps arrive (lunch in Charlotte)
6:00 pm: Dinner at house (to be prepared by Steve)

Tuesday, April 14
(Steve works 9:45-5)
-Breakfast at home (eggs, grits and hash browns)
-Party supply store (Bon, Jack, Grannie and Gramps)
-Lunch Sticky Fingers
7:05 pm: Riverdogs Baseball Game (dinner at park)

Wednesday, April 15
(Steve works 3:30-9:15)
-Breakfast at home (biscuits and gravy)
-Columbia Zoo (Bon, Jack, Grannie, Gramps)
-Lunch in Columbia
-Dinner at home (Spaghetti and meatballs)

Thursday, April 16 (JACK’s BIRTHDAY)
-Breakfast at home (home-made waffles)
-Charleston Aquarium
-Lunch downtown Charleston/Cupcake Store
6:00 Birthday dinner at Nana’s House
MENU (meatloaf, mac-n-cheese, broccoli, cupcakes)

Friday, April 17
(Steve works 11-3:15)
4:30 am: Drew, Doug and Katia leave for Charleston
-Patty and Tommy drive to Charleston
-Breakfast at house (cinnamon buns)
10:30 am: Jack Dr, apt (1 year checkup)
-Pick up food and cake for party
-Charleston Kids Museum
-Lunch at the Buccaneer
-Dinner at Kelly’s BBQ when everyone arrives

Saturday, April 18
-9:30 leave house for breakfast at Golden Coral
-Tour around Downtown Charleston
-Lunch at Red’s on Shem Creek
6:00 Party
Food platters and cake

Sunday, April 19
-Drew, Doug, Katia, Patty and Tommy leave
-Breakfast at home (bagels and spread for when people leave)
-Folly beach (Steve and Gramps fish)
-Lunch at Folly Beach
-Dinner at home (grill at Nana’s house/burgers and dogs)

Monday, April 20
8:00 am: leave for Charlotte to take Grannie and Gramps
Steve, Jack and Bonnie to spend day in Charlotte

We look forward to seeing everyone and everyone seeing Jack.

Drive and fly safe,

The Harris-Driver Family*

(submitted by Andrea)

*names, dates, and locations have been changed to protect the awkward family

562 Responses to “Awkward Family Itinerary”

  1. Sharonda says:

    And to think, they’re worried about overstimulating the child….

  2. Modine says:

    Oh the horror. If they make this kind of an orchestrated fuss for a 1 year old, clearly this is the first child. If there is a second child, I hope he or she never sees this letter. How sad.

  3. Alan says:

    I wonder if, 1 year and 9 months ago, little Jack’s CONCEPTION was nearly as micro-managed (right down to the minute that Steve was due to get off work). I have bad news for Beverly: At one year of age, Jack really won’t give a crap about any ot it. I just hope Beverly and Marnie never meet and plan anything together.

    • iLOLd says:

      Like a collision between matter and anti-matter!!!
      Or more like “You-don’t-matter” and “Only-I-matter”
      I have visions of them inspecting the seventh seal, and demanding that it be re-sealed properly…

  4. Nicole says:

    Doesn’t anyone care about Jack’s poor little twin sister, Jill, who is getting a pixie stick and diaper change from the babysitter for her birthday?

  5. mimi says:

    They forgot to schedule in bathroom breaks…

  6. Kerry says:

    Poor Jack. How will he feel when he at least loses his novelty?

  7. Chris says:

    “I am Jack’s high cholesterol diet”

  8. jensco says:

    Just wait until little Jack grows up and gets married and Mom helps plan the wedding…. her new daughter in law will *LOVE* her! πŸ˜‰

  9. TeacherMom1980 says:

    I’d love to see them at Christmas…or how about Steve and Bonnie’s wedding?? HA! Jack is not going to have anything left in the entire city to do that he hasn’t already done by the time he is 3 years old.

  10. Be3t says:

    I gotta tell you, I had to laugh.

    I hope it’s a very special weekend for Jack – I know the fond memories I have of eating grits and biscuits with the family when I was a year old….

  11. Mel says:

    Someone needs a hobby!

  12. Jack says:

    S T U P I D….

  13. Awkward Turtle says:

    Wonder if Steve is prepared to make dinner Monday night. He better be, because it sounds like Jack’s mom isn’t messing around.

  14. Deeters says:

    I don’t want to think about Jack’s potty training itinerary.

  15. Cat says:

    Steve sure works a lot and then has to come home and cook dinner early in the week! I bet he loves “escaping” to his job with this sort of family life! πŸ™‚ it was definitely awkward.

  16. Ego Nemo says:

    With all the carbs, sweets and meats on the menu, Jack ought to take a moment during his one-year check up to schedule a cardiologist appointment for his parents next week and one for himself, 30 years from now.

  17. Sidekick says:

    Too bad Jack won’t remember any of it!

  18. allie says:

    Wow. Jack’s going to grow up to be the cutest little narcissist!

  19. Sarah says:

    How cool you chose Charleston, SC locations–I’ll be sure to avoid those places just in case that part is real! Yikes! For a kid’s one year old party–really? That is hilarious! Can you imagine what this kid’s sweet 16 is going to look like? πŸ™‚

  20. John III says:

    The only thing this party is missing is a regulation sized casserole dish….. πŸ˜‰

  21. bethksp says:

    First Birthday Itinerary for my 5th Child
    (Dad at work all darn day)
    6:00am-5: 30–Run a home and take care of my five children–supervise two oldest daughters making cupcakes from a mix.
    5:30 Welcome home Dad, greet Grandma, Aunt and cousin
    6:00 Eat Pizza
    7:00 Frantically search garage for older daughters’ old baby stroller, clean quickly, stick in the new baby doll and present it to the poor child who has no idea what’s going on.
    7:15 Sing Happy Birthday (don’t worry–we’ll get the name right this time) and watch my sweet baby girl smash her cupcake–best part of the day!!
    Forever–Happy, well-adjusted children who do not think that the sun rises and sets on them.

    I feel sorry for Jack’s future friends and wife–nothing will ever be good enough for him.

  22. Jack says:

    And just to be perfectly transparent: I am not related to Little Jack, nor a part of this family.

  23. Jack says:

    Yippie!!! We’re going to Sticky Fingers!

    That really is a good choice for eating.

  24. PTSD says:

    Good thing THE GUESTS didn’t overwhelm the one-year-old…

    • lemonade says:

      lol! It’s a good thing they were ahead of time. Hmmm… who will get the blame if the kid melts down every day?

  25. En says:

    Por kiddo will need anti-anxiety meds before he even begins school.

  26. JB says:

    What’s wrong with this? They have family coming to town for week and they want to get to do a lot of fun stuff and have it go as smoothly as possible – what’s wrong with having a plan? I don’t get it.

    • Bethiepoo says:

      You wrote the list, didn’t you?
      ha ha

      Kidding aside…. having a plan is fine but emailing it to all the relatives who will be around for little Master Jack von Silverspoon’s FIRST birthday, in which there are suggestions included regarding how they should behave, is a little — um– MUCH.

      • lemonade says:

        I didn’t find having a plan for visiting relatives to be excessive, but having a weeklong extravaganza for the one year old is beyond appropriate, it’s hard on the kid. And were gran and grandpa taken into consideration when long walking excursions to the zoo. aquarium and the crazy loudness of the children’s museum were planned? Do they have trouble walking or arthritis and might end up exhausted and in pain with daily outings of this sort? Not only that, it came across that the list of visitors were forced to go party shopping with mom, not asked. And I hope everyone can afford to eat out every day. If not…

  27. Laura says:

    This kid is only 1 year old and is enjoying the fine dining of waffles and spaghetti and meatballs, grits, hashbrowns, biscuits and gravy, and all that jazz?

    congratulations jake you’ve just won yourself a heart attack for your birthday!

  28. Melissa says:

    I don’t get why this is awkward. It’s just an itinerary for their trip.

    • Faith says:

      It’s an itinerary for everyone else’s trip. Not their trip. THAT is what’s awkward! Well, that and what they eat for breakfast every day. Why don’t they just get it over with and eat out of the sugar bowl instead? Jeezy.

      I cannot imagine planning a trip to see my family on the basis of celebrating a 1 year old’s birthday all frakking week to begin with, but then to have an itinerary like this sent to me prior to it happening? I think I’d be suddenly coming down with the flu around 10 hours before departure…

  29. Jen says:

    God help this kid.

  30. Lindsay says:

    Wow. At the risk of seeming insensitive, there is only one possible situation in which this kind of scheduling for a one-year-old’s birthday is even vaguely appropriate, and that is if Jack is terminally ill.

    I’ll admit to having have had menu plans this detailed for weeks with lots of family coming in for things… but I used them for shopping, then kept them the hell to myself, so that no one would be bothered if they changed spontaneously. Or creeped the hell out by the crazy woman.

    • Patricia says:

      Bwa ha! Not insensitive, although I’m a little ashamed at how hard I laughed at this first paragraph. But not super ashamed.

      Poor Jack. Hope he learns how to make decisions for himself at some point in his life.

    • Denise says:

      Aw man, now I really feel bad for poor Jack because that’s the only explanation that makes any sense.

    • iLOLd says:

      I think you made a good point without seeming melodramatic.
      Good job, Lindsay.

    • seattle_dave says:

      One assumes that if Jack really were terminally ill, the family member who received this would not have thought it was insane enough to send to AFP.

  31. eta says:

    That is nuts … it’s the kids 1st birthday, he will remember NOTHING, and to make people travel great distances for it?! I guess the extended family are to blame for attending. Here I thought my godson and wife were crazy for renting a hall for their daughters first. *shaking head*

    • iLOLd says:

      Won’t remember???
      You OBVIOUSLY forgot about the commemorative website!!!

      • Stacie says:

        not to mention the many scrapbooks which will be constructed it honor of the occasion (disclaimer…I love to scrapbook, which is why I said “many” scrapbooks)

        • Uncuw Biww says:

          i am sure some of these relatives are rolling their eyes…what makes this woman think that they’re all going to give up their weekends? let’s see…baseball game or awp?

  32. m says:

    Our baby is turning one in October and she insists that we take her for her favorite foods at Oktoberfest in Munich. Some people say we spoil her, but I tell them its not like we are buying her an expensive dirndl when we are there. I just hope the Umpapa music doesnt over-stimulate her.

  33. Matt says:

    Living in Columbia, I was trying to figure out who this was…until I read the end.

  34. Groggle says:

    I live in Mt Pleasant (across the bridge from Charleston), as I suspect the author of this letter does. All of the place names I can confirm. Sticky Fingers is a marvelous rib place. People in my town really do this kind of crap for their kids… but this is a little bit extreme even for my wealthy, selfish fellow citizens. I forwarded it to all my good buddies here in town and hopefully the six degrees of separation will take it back to the writer, and she can see just what a PSYCHO she is! πŸ˜›

  35. carmen says:

    How can a 1 year old have so many “favorite places”? Whatever happened to sitting him in his high chair, giving him his own cake, watching him make a mess, taking pictures and laughing, then calling it a day? Who is this kid???

    • Liz says:

      So true!! For our first birthday parties we had grandma, a dinner I knew the kid would eat, and a baby’s-first-cake experience with lots of pictures. Then bath and bed! Who are these relatives that they are traveling and devoting an entire week to this kid!

    • CB says:

      Well, not just that, but she claims that the meals planned are his favourite foods, as well….meatloaf, broccoli, cinnamon buns, waffles, grits, bagels and biscuits? hmm.

  36. Jack will grow up to have every hair in place, every tooth brightly cleaned, his wardrobe impeccable and the spontaneity of a beige-painted wall. Sorry, Jack, but dad, Steve, has already “bought in” to this whole dynamic and, will be of no help. One can only hope and pray that a mentor or two is placed in your life path by powers greater than ourselves. Perhaps this publishing will serve that purpose – to alert the powers that be.

    Good luck, oh “wounded warriror-to-be”.

  37. susan says:

    Things like this aren’t for the kid, it’s for mom. A 1 year old won’t remember any of this, but apparently mom is a social butterfly who needs a big deal created over really what should be a small event. Apparently Marney’s niece.

  38. John R. says:

    I wonder if JACK knows that in the future, when he looks up the word “dysfunctional” in the dictionary, he’ll see a picture of his family there.

  39. Gabe says:

    I love this site but Not awkward or post worthy….. Sorry

  40. slyder says:

    Jack will grow up to hate his parties, his birthday and is life. He will grow up with a fear of schedules and 20 years later his story will be remade in to an episode of Criminal Minds.

    • iLOLd says:

      Or he’ll believe that the world revolves around him, he can fart rainbows & poop unicorns and eventually end up a popular “journalist” on MSNBFox.

  41. Amanda says:

    I was hungry until I read this. Then my mouth sort of tried to turn itself inside out at the suggestion of just one day’s menu.

    And, this is EXACTLY what going to visit my in-laws is like. Have to go home to rest up from vacation.

  42. shellks says:

    I get being excited about a birthday, but how in the world can you top this? I’d hate to see this kid when he’s ten!

    • Minus says:

      Yup – like Harry Potters insanely spoiled cousin Dudley, I imagine this poor kid to be a lot like Dudley.

    • Sammy says:

      Actually, when he’s ten he probably won’t be an only child, and therefore won’t get a wekk-long party. A good reason to have more than one child.
      Funny how (some) parents of an only child can spend all their time and energy doting on their kid – just like how (some) people who have dogs but no kids can only think and/or talk about their dogs!

  43. MQ says:

    I wish I was Jack.

  44. If this was REAL(?), someone is in serious need of some psychiatric counseling!

  45. Jon says:

    haha: “my advice to everyone is to not over-stimulate him”

  46. LisaPizza says:

    Who’s paying for all these restaurants & etc.?

    Parents today would have a cage match with Copernicus over whether Earth really revolves around the sun or, in fact, their kids.

    “You’re tearin’ me apart!” Jim Stark, Rebel Without A Cause

    • jeaniebnz says:

      β€œYou’re tearin’ me apart!” Jim Stark, Rebel Without A Cause

      Best quote used in the best way possible!
      Poor Jack will surely be filled with teen-aged angst by his 16th birthday~

    • theblackblackblackbird says:

      You are absolutely right. I chuckled over this post, but I also found it to be the perfect example of a troubling trend. Folks, we are living in a child obsessed society. People are trying to give their lives meaning and purpose by worshipping their children. A kid turning one should have a nice party; I agree with that. But THIS?!?!?

  47. Molly Mouse says:

    This kid is ONE! He’s not gonna sit there and talk with family while eating grits… geez.

  48. Wow! I sure hope Jack will like this..hmm Γ  bit too much spoiling here I guess..(fun)

  49. Perelandra says:

    Dear God, Marnie took up party planning.


  50. jeremy says:

    It is fake.

    • admin says:

      It’s not fake. AFP changed the dates, names, and location to protect the submitter. the date error was on our end. and no, it wasn’t photoshopped.

      • Shanti says:

        “…and no, it wasn’t photoshopped.”



      • Audrey says:

        You’re fake.

      • mrs5180 says:

        I respectfully submit that this WAS photoshopped, one of those Rs looked suspicious. And I also submit that little Jack has a long, scheduled, life ahead of him……..I’m tired just reading it

        • Andrea says:

          DEFINITELY NOT FAKE. My sister-in-law (Erin) shares a last name with someone in the family. She somehow got on their email list. She’s emailed back saying “Sorry. I’m not your Erin.” But they continue to include her on this list. She forwarded this one to me with a note that says “iI’m pretty sure I would have to kill these people were I actually related to them. Or kill myself. One of the two.” And Erin has *MY* family as her in-laws and has never killed any of us, so that says a lot!!

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