Awkward Family Itinerary

April 8th, 2010

From: Beverly ____[Addresses Omitted]
Date: Mon, Apr 5, 2009 at 6:04 PM
Subject: Jack’s B-day week agenda…
To: [Addresses Omitted]

Hi everyone,

We could not be more excited about Jack’s upcoming 1st birthday and the fact that he gets to share it with his entire family both near and far. This many people may be somewhat overwhelming for Jack in the beginning so my advice to everyone is to not over-stimulate him but instead give him a chance to get used to all the excitement. This is a week all about JACK and we want it to be amazing for him. The places we are going are his favorites. The food we chose are the foods he loves the most.

I have put together the following agenda…

Monday, April 13
(Steve works 11-3:15)
8:30 am: Bonnie and Jack leave for Charlotte NC
12:00 pm: Grannie and Gramps arrive (lunch in Charlotte)
6:00 pm: Dinner at house (to be prepared by Steve)

Tuesday, April 14
(Steve works 9:45-5)
-Breakfast at home (eggs, grits and hash browns)
-Party supply store (Bon, Jack, Grannie and Gramps)
-Lunch Sticky Fingers
7:05 pm: Riverdogs Baseball Game (dinner at park)

Wednesday, April 15
(Steve works 3:30-9:15)
-Breakfast at home (biscuits and gravy)
-Columbia Zoo (Bon, Jack, Grannie, Gramps)
-Lunch in Columbia
-Dinner at home (Spaghetti and meatballs)

Thursday, April 16 (JACK’s BIRTHDAY)
-Breakfast at home (home-made waffles)
-Charleston Aquarium
-Lunch downtown Charleston/Cupcake Store
6:00 Birthday dinner at Nana’s House
MENU (meatloaf, mac-n-cheese, broccoli, cupcakes)

Friday, April 17
(Steve works 11-3:15)
4:30 am: Drew, Doug and Katia leave for Charleston
-Patty and Tommy drive to Charleston
-Breakfast at house (cinnamon buns)
10:30 am: Jack Dr, apt (1 year checkup)
-Pick up food and cake for party
-Charleston Kids Museum
-Lunch at the Buccaneer
-Dinner at Kelly’s BBQ when everyone arrives

Saturday, April 18
-9:30 leave house for breakfast at Golden Coral
-Tour around Downtown Charleston
-Lunch at Red’s on Shem Creek
6:00 Party
Food platters and cake

Sunday, April 19
-Drew, Doug, Katia, Patty and Tommy leave
-Breakfast at home (bagels and spread for when people leave)
-Folly beach (Steve and Gramps fish)
-Lunch at Folly Beach
-Dinner at home (grill at Nana’s house/burgers and dogs)

Monday, April 20
8:00 am: leave for Charlotte to take Grannie and Gramps
Steve, Jack and Bonnie to spend day in Charlotte

We look forward to seeing everyone and everyone seeing Jack.

Drive and fly safe,

The Harris-Driver Family*

(submitted by Andrea)

*names, dates, and locations have been changed to protect the awkward family

562 Responses to “Awkward Family Itinerary”

  1. Hope says:

    That kid is going to be so tired he’s either going to scream or sleep the whole time (more than have heard kids do now..). It’s going to be a horrible time for the family!

  2. tiasharon says:

    The worst part of this whole itinerary is that it was sent out April 5, 2008 at precisely 6:20 p.m.

  3. treeleaf says:

    the best part is how the dates are wrong, unless this is from a different year. monday april 13 2010 does not exist. i shudder to think what this woman, who clearly loves planning and organization, will think when she realizes the mistake.

  4. Eaton_Beaver says:

    This sounds like some Mesopotamian ritual. 5 days of feasting for Jack. All that’s missing is the goat to sacrifice in his honor.

  5. acme01 says:

    Jack has the same birthday as me! ‘citing! ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Sarah says:

    The sad thing is that I have a cousin who does pretty much the same amount of over-planning when my family gets together. So I was reading this thinking, “what’s so awkward about this?”

    • Uncuw Biww says:

      my ex BIL and his wife were sort of like that too, my ex FIL would want us to come out at like 8 am for one of the kids birthdays…we’d ignore the phone calls.

  7. Parkdad says:

    You know the term, “This is all about Jack!” became an inside joke to the rest of the family.

  8. scruffy says:

    Didnโ€™t anyone say, โ€œJust Jack!โ€ and do the hands framing the face thing?

    Will and Grace isnโ€™t that old of a show. This is a hoot.

  9. ummm says:

    She’s making such a big deal because this fall she ships him off to boarding school and never sees him until his 15 and if she finds out he’s rebelling (like making friends, trying one beer) he’s an unruly child and needs to be disowned. I’m actually seeing that happen now with a rich southern family I know.

  10. Kurtis says:

    So, I’m curious – does it strike anyone else that every mention of Steve’s work schedule is a subtle dig at Steve for being so cold-hearted as to not request the entire week as vacation in honor of the first annual observance of his progeny’s nascence?

  11. Jessica says:

    I can’t imagine being in the car with this woman for 10 minutes let alone the four hours it takes to get to Charleston from Charlotte.

    I’m sorry, the 4 hours and 26 minutes (5 minutes for peeing) it takes to get to Charleston from Charlotte.

    Poor kid…I (unfortunately) see many AFP submissions from this family.

  12. bethksp says:

    *so my advice to everyone is to not over-stimulate him*
    “Hello Bonnie? This is pot. Just calling to tell you that you’re black.”

  13. Steve says:

    Hi all. Notice that I was not a huge part of this plan. Yup, I “had” to work. I did get to fish with dad on my day off though. of course, I’ll have to pay for that over the next month by hearing – “ya, well I let you go fishing with your dad.” And if you are wondering: yes, this is how every day of my life is. I just make sure I’m ready to go when the schedule says and I don’t make eye contact. Oh ya, it’s my job to “talk” to the family when they disregard the schedule or the rules. Please try to follow the schedule as I’m the one who will get yelled at when you screw up. I used to have a life and friends. Now, I just do what I’m told.

    • just sayin' says:

      I hope to high heaven you are the real Steve. If so, I love you.

    • Uncuw Biww says:

      poor steve…well,it’s not too late to get out before you have any more kids.

    • Marta says:

      marry me. and let’s not, please, let’s not have kids. we can have a turtle. and for it’s 1st birthday, we will give the turtle fresh water and a new palm tree for the aquarium. that’s it.

    • Marta says:

      you know what? just forget it… Jack probably would be there and we would have to plan the weeding to last an entire week for him.. and a two week divorce.

  14. The Jack says:

    Jack here. Yes, the Jack from the party. I’m typing this on my new iPad while marveling at everyone’s jealousy. Just because your mother doesn’t love you is no reason to go all crazy towards my Mommie Dearest. Let me replay an exchange we had the day after everyone left so you can truly understand the depths of her love:

    No… wire… hangers. What’s wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER? I work and work ’till I’m half-dead, and I hear people saying, “She’s getting old.” And what do I get? A son… who cares as much about the beautiful clothes I give him… as he cares about me. What’s wire hangers doing in this closet? Answer me. I buy you beautiful clothes, and you treat them like they were some dishrag. You do. Three hundred dollar suit on a wire hanger. We’ll see how many you’ve got if they’re hidden somewhere. We’ll see… we’ll see. Get out of that bed. All of this is coming out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. You’ve got any more? We’re gonna see how many wire hangers you’ve got in your closet. Wire hangers, why? Why? Jack, get out of that bed. Get out of that bed. You live in the most beautiful house in Charleston and you don’t care if your clothes are stretched out from wire hangers. And your room looks like some two-dollar-a-week furnished room in some two-bit back street town in Okalahoma. Get up. Get up. Clean up this mess.

  15. dodiema says:

    this itenerary alone would be cause for me to back out of this situation. NO way in hell!!! I do want a souvenere (sp?) video of Jack’s mom’s meltdown; cause you know that’s coming!

    • Terry says:

      Are you kidding! That would be the best part, I swear, I’d call and cancel a dinner reservation, just to watch it happen. With popcorn. ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. Qwill says:

    If this was really for the kids sake this would be the itinerary:
    Day 1: Breakfast of banana and cheerios
    Go look at fish and hamsters at pet store
    Trip to mall to play in the sidewalk that squirts water
    Lunch spaghetti with cookies for desert
    Nap then after lunch play with dogs in yard and drive trucks in the sand
    Dinner with family… they can eat pizza… the kid will have spaghetti
    Cake to be eaten by hand
    Everyone bring a ball as a present

    Days 2-7 Repeat

  17. T.R. says:

    We have no clue what is actually behind her motives with this birthday. Maybe it took them years to conceive or adopt.

    As a mom (and it took us 15 years to become parents)… I know that we view parenthood in a totally different light then some of our other friends/family and such. Our sons first birthdays were not like this, but we do and did make it a very special day (wether they will remember it or not).

    I would rather see a family celebrating and loving their child to much then not at all.

    • amy says:

      This of course has nothing to do with loving a child or not. This is simply management times 10.

      • B says:

        We all love our children. Even those of us that got pregnant without much effort. However, treating a child this way is not doing him any favors. They just come to have unrealistic expectations of themselves and how the world should treat them. And I’m sorry, but your child that you waited 15 years for IS very special…to Y-O-U. Nobody else. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s a fact. When he’s on a playground with a dozen other kids, he doesn’t have a magical golden glow around him indicating his specialness (just made up a word there) to the rest of the world. He needs to learn how to treat people and how people will treat him. With respect. If they are treated like little dauphins, how can they function in a world that ultimately doesn’t give a crap how they’re “feeling.”

  18. Kit says:

    Being from Charleston, I know all the places mentioned in the letter :DDD

  19. Katie says:

    I have to wonder though, how much of this is on the parents, who might well have originally thought “pizza, cake, bath, bed sounds good for Jack’s first, right? Let’s see if Grandma and Grandpa want to come over, since they’re only 10 minutes away.” And then 3 weeks later, they get a message from Grandma saying

    “Oh, your sister and brother are so mad that you didn’t invite them, dear, they really wanted to come in and be here for Jack’s first; your eighth cousin once removed hasn’t even met him!” “uh mom, I don’t know eighth cousin. What’s her name?” “HIS name, dear, Edwin, of course.” “And uh, mom, sis and bro live twenty-bazillion miles away, actually sis is 25 bazillion.” “Well, she was so upset I said that you asked me to invite her and it was my mess up. I bought her plane tickets too. And billy, jim, jane, marnie, and bruce’s too, and their families of course. All you have to do is figure out where to take everyone for their week vacation! Oh, and what to feed them of course! Yes, I know, Jack’s birthday is only 1 week away, but I have people arriving on Tuesday so he has time to see everyone.”

    • Beki says:

      And that’s when you make a quick getaway to “downtown Charleston” for the day. What do you mean people were at the house? We weren’t there. I didn’t see anyone!

  20. MurphFin says:

    Poor Jack, Poor Steve…. I hope they post some pictures of this week long birthday fest! I’d love to see what these people look like.

  21. Karin says:

    That sounds like an awesome vacation in SC!! Wait – this is a kid’s party??!!

  22. East of Eden says:

    I wonder if she’s met with Thanksgiving Marnie to make sure the casserole dishes are the right size….

  23. Paula says:

    What a control freak, leave the kid alone

  24. Uncuw Biww says:

    of course, the schedule will fall behind, and after this weekend is over, she will be so tired, frazzled and stressed from running around with a cranky baby…next year’s birthday will be cake in the high chair!

    • duff says:

      nooo- next year will be the weeklong tour of the southeastern us. jack should be old enough for the cirque de soleil show at disneyworld, a concert in atlanta, bar crawl in key west, space camp in huntsville, alabama, et cetera by then. it’s a shame his birthday’s not earlier- they could cart him off to mardi gras, too.

      • MYRA says:

        Duff is so right. Next year any “inconveniences” and Jack’s suffering will have been forgotten and another extravaganza will be planned. The number of attendees may decrease, however. Not everyone can affort to devote an entire week to this nonsense. The mother should try and remember the four sole necessities for a kid’s birthday: cake, candles, ice cream and balloons. Done.

  25. Mike says:

    Hi, Neicy,

    Welcome to AFP. I’m sitting in my dirty, messy house right now, LMAO. Remember, we only mock the ones we love.

  26. alysha says:

    I want to be Jack….dang.

  27. and ps, I sure as heck wouldn’t fly for a week vacation, taking off of work for this!

    poor little guy, someone should call cps now before it really starts getting crazy and he gets beat with wire hangers

  28. wait, when is everyone suppose to take a bathroom break?

    linda and carl– use the downstairs bathroom at 2:45 and 7:15
    bobbie jo— wipes grammys bottom at 5:15, 10:30, 3:25, 7:00

    who freakin cares

    • shauna f says:

      This is about Jack, not about your personal problems like bathroom breaks! Goodness, get over yourself…Jack wears diapers (perhaps into adulthood) and does not need to be bothered with such trivial things. After Shem Creek though you might want to think about staying close to one..hahah..No really I live in Chas. and this looks like a very fine itinerary indeed, just hope they take a carriage ride to tour downtown, or it really won’t be that touristy if that is the feel they are going for ๐Ÿ™‚

      • ha! No way is Jack in diapers. he’s probably one of those “elimination control” kids whose parents can tell when he squints his eyes that he wants to pee so they hold him over the toilet ever since he was a newborn!

  29. Ann says:

    All I did on my first birthday was eat some baby food and take a nap. It was magical.

  30. Markus says:

    They are going to Columbia, back to Charlotte, and then Charleston the next day, just so they can eat dinner and breakfast at home ? That’s a waste of time and gas!
    My German parents would be salivating at this detailed itinerary, though.

  31. Alan says:

    OK,somewhere out there in Awkward Land,maybe even reading this,is Jack’s future grade 1 teacher……BE VERY WORRIED!!!!

  32. Mary says:

    Someone tell this mom that no one at the doctor’s office will want him there on his birthday, all overstimulated and sugared up from cinnamon buns. Let the kid sleep a week or two after all this craziness she has planned. No one will miss him.
    And who is Marnie?

  33. Jennifer Foster says:

    These people have to weigh 300 pounds. They should be scheduling in some family run time with all that food they’ll be eating…..

  34. neicy says:

    And for you people that think you are are so freakin superior, go take a flying leap!

    I can imagine you in your dirty, messy, houses that don’t give a damn about your kids laughing over this!

    • Elizabeth says:

      Wow someone is touchy. I am going to assume that you are either the person whose kid this is or you are somehow related to him.

      Since you decided to get all rude and huffy, I just want to point out that you would have to be a dithering-spaz not to at least acknowledge that this is not typical behavior, and that because of this (and since let’s just get it out there: a week-long party for a one year old is more than a little insane) people find comedy in it.

      So don’t take it so personally. Afterall, you’re the one who chose to put your kid on a pedestal for a week-long, overstimulating, food-fest, so just think of it as your party planning has brought a lot of laughs to a lot of people out here who are fans of this site.

      P.S. You shouldn’t be rude to Sharon about the color green… you’ll set a bad example for Jack.

    • Katie says:

      Wow. You’re already uber-controlling and micromanaging every last detail of your kid’s life (and the lives of his family members). Don’t you worry about ours. We’ll take a flying leap when we damned well please, not when YOU say so.

      By the way, if someone ever sent an email like this to ME, I’d promptly respond that I wasn’t coming–UNLESS you paid for my ulcer medication that would result from attending.

      Get help, lady.

    • Becky says:

      I can understand wanting to have some plans in place. (I can understand not wanting people to come over during naptime for example.) It sounds like there are going to be a bunch of people over and it might be helpful for everyone to know what is going on. But the big question for me is why all of this for a one year old? (My kids were delighted with having cake for the first time!) I wonder if Jack wouldn’t be just as happy playing at home with his family? Why is everything planned in such detail? I hope Mom considers relaxing a little and enjoying this time.
      If it is not too late, you may want to consider changing that pediatrican appt. The shots can wait a week so you wont have a crabby kid and a house full of company…trust me.

    • Pret24 says:

      Wake up, Sunshine….who’s acting superior? If you’re gonna get your knickers all twisted about judging you – don’t judge us. It’s called hypocrisy. Just because you take your kid all over the Eastern U.S. for the ‘2010 birthday tour’ doesn’t automatically make you a good parent, just as laughing at this website in our messy houses doesn’t make us bad parents. So why don’t you pull up your big girl panties, have a piece of humble pie, and realize you’re not that great.

      • Pret24 says:

        P.S. Our “judging” is supposed to be taken with a dose of humor. These repsonses? Not so much. But 95% of the other comments are tongue in cheek.

    • MBL says:

      Neicy’s right in one respect. My house does not give a damn about my kids. It’s true.

    • Anne says:

      Not sure how my house could be any messier than yours, serving grits/sticky fingers/sausage gravy to a one-year old! Enjoy the party, though. Seriously. It’s for you, not Jack. He’ll be fine.

    • dodiema says:

      Oh so…. you’re one of thoooose.

    • Jarronica Bizane says:

      Niecy, Honey… Love you on Dancing With the Stars and Clean House… but, seriously….? let’s not lose sight of the fact it’s a 1 year old child. 1 year old children do not usually have favorite destinations, more than one or two favorite foods (Much less a whole weeks worth!) or parties that last a week or more. I don’t think it’s so much that we don’t give a damn about our kids, it’s just that we know they are kids, and we know that for a 1 year old’s birthday party, it’s a little much to warn people you’ve invited to the party about over stimulating the child, while at the same time dragging him from place to place through the streets of Charleston with a posse and entourage.

      And Poor Steve… always working … I guess someone has to make the money to pay for all that!

    • Kurtis says:

      While my house does a pretty good job of giving a damn about my kids, you are correct that it doesn’t give a damn about what they are laughing at.

  35. neicy says:

    Ha, ha, ha…..I know it was YOU, SHARON, that done done this!

    You really look terrible in green, honey. Go back to your Mickey D’s generic parties and leave me alone!

    There are laws, you know!

    • Chloe says:

      “that done done this” ? Really? You want to talk about “generic parties” when you can’t even use proper grammar?

      And of course there are laws. Laws about murder, stealing, even crossing the street. Which law where you referring to?

    • cranky says:

      Now THIS is awkward. I think we need to arrange a Neicy/Sharon Fight Night on pay-per-view.

  36. UnsightlyJello says:

    Wow, these people must be loaded to devote an entire week to eating out and going everywhere PLUS, I can only imagine how much they spent on birthday presents for the kid. I’m sure he had a 14k birthday crown inlaid with diamonds and rubies as well, since well, he’s only 1 once.

  37. CG13 says:

    Oh yes, let’s definitely make sure that all the extra people around don’t OVERSTIMULATE him! Or we could just ship mom off to the loony bin and he’ll be fine!

    Wow. It’s a FIRST birthday party! That one’s ALWAYS for the MOM! lol, Love the part how it’s all his favorite foods and places to go.

    Downtown Charleston, any baby’s favorite destination.

  38. mama says:

    That’s poor planning for the doctors appointment! Little ones are often sore, tired, and feel yucky after shots. Poor Jack.

  39. marilee says:

    And after his first birthday party, mom officially entered him into Little Mr. Perfect beauty Pageant…..where he won zillions and zillions of pageants and crowns and did his famous sassy dance to the awe of all involved.

  40. marieantoinette says:

    How terrible that she is such a control freak that she HAD to have Jack see the Dr. for his year old check up, on his Birthday!!!! Who does that?!?!?! Dumb-@$$, reminds me of my Sister n law.

  41. Gerry says:

    Wow. As a teacher I fear for this child’s future teachers. Can you imagine the kind of pushy and overbearing parent this would be!?

    • J.D. says:

      Don’t forget his Little League coach… “My son will play 1st base for innings 1 & 2, then move over to shortstop for the middle innings before coming in as the relief pitcher. Ensure you bat him clean-up as well.” Or his Cub Scouts den mother… “When making pasta collages, please ensure you have rotini pasta for Jack. It is his favorite kind.”

    • Stacie says:

      omg I was just thinking this, Gerry! I am an elementary teacher. I hope this family doesn’t live in my district. This is obviously her first child. Rookies!

      • Chuck says:

        I was thinking the same thing; I teach adults and the helicopter parents never go away. When parents of a 20 year old come to their defense because they complain, it is beyond unreal.

  42. awkward reader says:

    Where does Steve work with those kinds of hours?

    • Chloe says:

      Retail? Hospital? Tutoring? College Professor? IT? There are tons of jobs that have irregular hours.

    • momofthree says:

      Steve really doesn’t work those hours…..he is just looking for a break from Bonnie! Wouldn’t you? “Okay, dear. At 4:15 pm (during jack’s naptime) we will have “intimate time” until 4:25 pm.

      I’m feeling more sorry for poor Steve than Jack right now!

  43. JustMe says:

    People should keep their comments to themselves.

    You don’t know Jack.


  44. cac says:

    sure hope they use a regulation size casserole dish

  45. Susan says:

    It’s also time for someone to start a therapy fund, mom.

    • Cheryl says:

      I’ll donate the first $1, but I’m not sure there’s enough therapists out there to undo the damage this mom is working on.

  46. Noneya says:

    Talk about overindulgence. This party is for everybody else, not for Jack. Jack will never remember this party. Wonder if they’ll be buying him a car for his 5th birthday.

  47. Amie says:

    I bet Jack is a little dog they carry in one of those big dog purses.

  48. Lola says:

    Coming July 20th, 2025: Jack’s first date

  49. Brenda says:

    I didn’t see Marnie’s name anywhere . . .

  50. Elizabeth says:

    It’s time for someone to get back into the workforce, mom.

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