Awkward Family Itinerary

April 8th, 2010

From: Beverly ____[Addresses Omitted]
Date: Mon, Apr 5, 2009 at 6:04 PM
Subject: Jack’s B-day week agenda…
To: [Addresses Omitted]

Hi everyone,

We could not be more excited about Jack’s upcoming 1st birthday and the fact that he gets to share it with his entire family both near and far. This many people may be somewhat overwhelming for Jack in the beginning so my advice to everyone is to not over-stimulate him but instead give him a chance to get used to all the excitement. This is a week all about JACK and we want it to be amazing for him. The places we are going are his favorites. The food we chose are the foods he loves the most.

I have put together the following agenda…

Monday, April 13
(Steve works 11-3:15)
8:30 am: Bonnie and Jack leave for Charlotte NC
12:00 pm: Grannie and Gramps arrive (lunch in Charlotte)
6:00 pm: Dinner at house (to be prepared by Steve)

Tuesday, April 14
(Steve works 9:45-5)
-Breakfast at home (eggs, grits and hash browns)
-Party supply store (Bon, Jack, Grannie and Gramps)
-Lunch Sticky Fingers
7:05 pm: Riverdogs Baseball Game (dinner at park)

Wednesday, April 15
(Steve works 3:30-9:15)
-Breakfast at home (biscuits and gravy)
-Columbia Zoo (Bon, Jack, Grannie, Gramps)
-Lunch in Columbia
-Dinner at home (Spaghetti and meatballs)

Thursday, April 16 (JACK’s BIRTHDAY)
-Breakfast at home (home-made waffles)
-Charleston Aquarium
-Lunch downtown Charleston/Cupcake Store
6:00 Birthday dinner at Nana’s House
MENU (meatloaf, mac-n-cheese, broccoli, cupcakes)

Friday, April 17
(Steve works 11-3:15)
4:30 am: Drew, Doug and Katia leave for Charleston
-Patty and Tommy drive to Charleston
-Breakfast at house (cinnamon buns)
10:30 am: Jack Dr, apt (1 year checkup)
-Pick up food and cake for party
-Charleston Kids Museum
-Lunch at the Buccaneer
-Dinner at Kelly’s BBQ when everyone arrives

Saturday, April 18
-9:30 leave house for breakfast at Golden Coral
-Tour around Downtown Charleston
-Lunch at Red’s on Shem Creek
6:00 Party
Food platters and cake

Sunday, April 19
-Drew, Doug, Katia, Patty and Tommy leave
-Breakfast at home (bagels and spread for when people leave)
-Folly beach (Steve and Gramps fish)
-Lunch at Folly Beach
-Dinner at home (grill at Nana’s house/burgers and dogs)

Monday, April 20
8:00 am: leave for Charlotte to take Grannie and Gramps
Steve, Jack and Bonnie to spend day in Charlotte

We look forward to seeing everyone and everyone seeing Jack.

Drive and fly safe,

The Harris-Driver Family*

(submitted by Andrea)

*names, dates, and locations have been changed to protect the awkward family

562 Responses to “Awkward Family Itinerary”

  1. JBoz says:

    If I were Steve (the hubby), I think I would be celebrating this week with Jack Daniels.

  2. ishmuvu says:

    ahaha its the kids first birthday. relax, momma. like he isnt going to remember anything. i see how youre just trying to get the whole family together, thougj–i guess youre all living in different cities or states?

  3. Marilyn says:

    I actually wish I could have been invited to this week long monstrosity just so I could draw attention away from Jack (or the one who it’s REALLY all about, Bonnie or the grandmother or whoever is running this godawful event) and just throw off the plans in general. I think it would be hilarious (albeit quite mean) to throw an epic wrench or two into the gears of these painstakingly overworked plans, then just sit back and watch it all go to hell. I mean, provided Jack wouldn’t be harmed, just the ego and controlling power of the mad ringleader would be lost. Go ahead, tell me I’m mean, cruel and down right evil. But be truly honest with yourselves; if you’re just an innocent bystander watching all the madness unfold, wouldn’t you even be the least bit interested in what happens next?

    • JBoz says:

      No need to thow any wrenches into this elaborate machinery. This is already a house of cards waiting to collapse. The proverbial wrench in this scenario is the unpredictability factor of a 1 year old, coupled with inordinately high expectations of the planner.

  4. Thinky4 says:

    And she’s afraid of overstimulating him?!

  5. Pedant says:

    I didn’t have time to read all the comments, but am I the only one disturbed at the thought of having biscuits and gravy for BREAKFAST? (Maybe you gotta be southern.)

  6. mom of 2 says:

    Perhaps the schedule is not so much a product of the OCD mom or grandmom pushing things on poor little Jack, but a way to try to control the chaos of an overzealous family that insists on coming for the event and making it into their own vacation (since they flew in and all). This way there won’t be fighting each day about who gets to do what and who doesn’t get their way. Just food for thought ….

  7. kaitlyn says:


  8. RSE says:

    OH MY GOD, DID MARNEY HAVE A BABY?!? Bad news, parents, kids don’t remember things before the age of 3 or 4 years old. I noticed they were going to a Riverdogs game. Does that mean Jack’s favorite ballpark food is the Homewrecker? (Anyone who has seen Man v. Food knows what that is…and knows that the diaper for the following morning will NOT be pleasant to change. But if it’s all about Jack, I’m sure mom and dad won’t mind.) I hope these people have another kid soon so Jack’s overinflated sense of entitlement will end soon after it begins.

  9. Nezzie says:

    My boss’ second daughter just celebrated her one year and you know what they did? Had their friends over for wine and cheese. Their reasoning: she’ll never remember a thing about this party so you may as well have fun for the adults! I wonder what Thanksgiving Marney 2.0 would say to that.

    • RSE says:

      That is THE single best idea I’ve ever heard.

    • Truetrue says:

      Makes sense. First birthday parties really for the parents to unwind. It’s an excuse to get the family together, and if there aren’t any young cousins, siblings, or friends to hang out with the birthday boy/girl, why subject a bunch of adults to a purple dinosaur, bounce house, and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?

      • Kathy says:

        Sounds like our daughters first. It was a great excuse to get all our friends and their kids over and our family and have a great big dinner and alot of nice wine. My daughters feel asleep after she ate cake and we all got a great chance to catch up.

  10. MicahSkin says:


    I could not be more serious.

  11. Suzanne says:

    A WEEK of birthday festivities, and she’s warning *the family* about overstimulating Jack?

  12. Bilge says:

    Don’t worry Jack mommy has it ALL worked out. You can never leave. Stop crying. Eat your food. That’s a good Jack.

  13. Chip Douglas says:

    Ok, I’ve been to that cupcake shop in Charleston. One trip to that place is worth the rest of the bs.

  14. Lynda Kaye says:

    When does the one year old get to take a nap? If it’s all about Jack, then Jack should be able to do what one year olds LIKE to do. This mom is nuts!

    • Robin says:

      Yeah, Jack is ONE, for God’s sake. That means he’s a BABY. He doesn’t give a damn about any of this and won’t remember it, either.

      Although, I’m sure the camcorder will be whirring the entire time.

  15. chillax says:

    OH! It is the Grandmother!!! I was reading down the comments list and then I looked back up. I was like, “Whoa. Thankfully my grandparents are nowhere near that level of grandparently affection.” I also can’t quite understand why Jack has to go to a doctor’s appointment in the middle of his birthday week.

    • Dahlia says:

      Because Mom probably scheduled his doctor’s appointment before Nana planned the birthday spectacular. Poor lady. And you just know SHE was going to be held responsible if Jack acted at all “overstimulated” during his 1st Birthopalooza. Ah well, hopefully Nana found a hobby before the kid turned 2.

  16. The Green Bean says:

    Dear Anonymous Morons of the Internet:

    Apparently you’re all reading at 2nd grade levels of comprehension. It’s pretty obvious this ridiculous schedule was devised by the grandmother. “Dinner at home (grill at Nanaโ€™s house/burgers and dogs.” ‘Home’=’Nana’s house’.

    Maybe before you start with all the mother-hate you might like to actually, you know, learn how to read.

    Having said all that: poor Bonnie. Poor, poor Bonnie for having to deal with that level of grandparental interference.

    • Nell says:

      Hmmm, I still call my parents’ place “home” even if I moved out 15 years ago… but for Jack’s sake, I wish you’re right!

      • S.Azrael says:

        Actually, thank you. You pointed something out to me. This is a grandmother, who…probably figured Bonnie was not good enough for her son when the engagment was announced and now feels that she’s the only QUALIFIED person to raise Jack…thus the big hoopla… Trust me, there are mother in laws like that…My ex’s mother…is like that…woman rail roaded my entire wedding, starting with ordering a hunderd more invitations then the original 40 we had planned…a HUNDERD more…for HER friends and people she thought should be there…and that was just the beginning…

        • Hundred . . It's spelled HUNDRED says:

          S.Azrael — Did your ex-MIL not like you because of your spelling & grammar ability or were there other things, too?

    • Tishes says:

      Um, Green Bean — not to undermine your level of reading comprehension, but if it’s the Grandmother then isn’t that consistent with her also being a mother-in-law to one of the parents?? Bonnie’s, perhaps? Thanks for schooling us Anonymous Morons.

    • Rachel says:

      See, I think it’s weirder if it’s a grandmother. Most of the grandparents I know are much more chill about their grandkids than they were about their own kids. Most of the grandparents I know are plenty devoted but seem to get that not everything will be “perfect” and the child will not be damaged from that lack of perfection.

    • Una says:

      Why do Bonnie and the child drive to Charlotte on the first day, yet he has his “One Year Check-Up” IN Charlotte? Wouldn’t Jack’s Pediatrician be where Bonnie and Jack drove from in the beginning of the week…or does he have a second pediatrician in Charlotte?

      I do have to point out one thing. While yes, this is a very regimented schedule, if you really look, there are some pretty big time gaps, and the kid may be the kind that sleep through anything. *sigh* Just trying to see the Good Intentions that she’s paving the road to hell (of which, I am owner and CEO of the 8th through 33rd levels. See you there, The Green Bean! Good times!) with.

      Sincerely and Sent with Proper Syntax,
      Two cents from me, a sensitive “Anonymous Moron of the Internet”, who is sensationally psyched that I can light incense and center my feelings, the scent bringing a sense of calm. Otherwise, I’ll commit an egregious “Second Grade Reading Comprehension” sin! Wow, that was a long sentence. My sentience gets the better of me and I just have to get my words written and sent, but how scintillating that I can put in my two cents with little fear of censure. OH! Don’t forget your U.S. Consensus! Fill that out and send it! Our first one this century!

      I cannot imagine why some people might have a difficult time with the Queens English in Americanized vernacular

    • SaraBerry says:

      Multiple times, a distinction is drawn between “home” and “Nana’s house.” For example, on the birthday, breakfast is at “home” but dinner is at “Nana’s house.” Why would they use two different names for the same place? As for the whole grilling thing, yeah it’s confusing, but it makes me think maybe Nana’s house is next door and they are going to use her grill.

      On a side note, you’re not a people-person, are you, Green Bean?

  17. ZZ says:

    Oh, thank GOD. It *is* the grandparent. While still frightening, I have to say that a lot of grandparents are like that with the first grandkid, especially if they waited a long time. Phew. Bonnie exonerated.

  18. Chase says:

    How in the hell does this women know what Jack’s favorite foods and places are? Did he tell her, has he made up his mind and decided that of all the many things he has had that bagels and spread are his favorite breakfast? I honestly think this would actually be more funny if it weren’t true, as it stands, it’s just kind of sad.

  19. Keri G says:

    Having lived in Charleston for six years, I’m sad to say this type of hoopla isn’t out of character. See, the thing you don’t understand is that it’s not about the child, but the parent’s ego and how great they were for finally giving up sorority life and giving birth to another human being … and managing to keep it alive for an entire year. You’d better BELIEVE Nana, Grampy and the whole gang better show up for that jazz!

    And the parties do get exponentially elaborate over the years – think jump castles and streets blocked off in the historic district for 70’s vintage skate parties, all served with a heaping side of one-upsmanship …

    Everything in Charleston is about ego, good thing it’s justified by being the most amazing city, ever. ๐Ÿ™‚

  20. doris says:

    wow. overbearing! what if they had another child? the mother couldn’t possibly give so much attention to both!!?? she needs to learn how life should work from families who have 8 or more…

  21. Meg says:

    Jack is going to be one cranky and mad kid by the end of day one! Why do people feel the need to have a major party/blowout/function for a ONE YEAR OLD??? They will never remember it, it’s really never that much fun and everyone hates everyone else by the end of it. Esp. a week long ‘destination birthday’.

  22. Julie says:

    Totally depressing. I felt my whole body slumping as I read this. Ugh.

  23. Rachel says:

    With this outlandish level of planning and attention to detail for a one-year-old’s birthday, I hate to even imagine what the parents’ wedding was like, if they are married. If not, I still hate to imagine it.

  24. BexRex says:

    I can’t figure who on earth would need this amount of detail for the entire week … it’s only Grandma and Grandpa until Friday and then only 2 other families coming in for 2 days, for Pete’s sake! So I’m guessing that Mother Bonnie’s real motivation is to show off what a “good mother” does for her angel/superhero’s first birthday. She feeds off receiving adoring looks from less-organized mothers and sympathetic nods from fellow over-extended ones.

    And I love her warning about over-stimulating Dear Jack … are you kidding me??? Here’s a suggestion Bonnie, if you don’t want your 1-year-old overstimulated, don’t have outings all day for a week straight! Good grief … talk about setting this poor kid up for a torturous adulthood when he realizes that it’s a birthDAY, not a birthWEEK.

  25. Sarah says:

    My little boy is going to be 1 soon. we plan to take a picture of him with a cake and email it to his grandparents.

  26. Sarah says:

    Definitely seems to be written by Jack’s grandmother, Bonnie seems to be his mom. Thank god! And I agree with Amy – absolutely no mention of naps for poor Jack. At one year, most kids should still be taking 2 naps a day. No wonder the poor kid will be overstimulated! And scheduling a doctor’s appointment during this week was ridiculous as well – now they’ll have a cranky, sore, overtired baby. Happy Birthday!

  27. Hailey says:

    What I love is that it’s Jack’s first birthday and she has to be sure to include all of his favorite places and food. Yes, a one-year-old is definitely going to be that picky.

  28. william says:

    “Oh, and there will be matching sweatshirts for everyone waiting in the entryway, after you wipe your feet and sign the guestbook.”

  29. ard says:

    LOL! At least there are no mention of “regulation size” casserole dishes! I think Beverly is channeling the uber-OCD Marnie!

  30. Claudia says:

    Well… to be fair I don’t think this is anywhere on the level of Thanksgiving Marney (love that nickname). I think the mom just jams too many activities in one week (some of my best family memories are just where everyone sits around the house doing nothing) and puts all that info on an e-mail everyone will see when most of it is stuff only she needs to know.

    Also I agree with Amber, I doubt the Doctor’s Office is one of Jack’s favorite places. I have this grim visual of 20 family members crammed into a room trying to distract Jackie who is bawling his eyes out while a doctor in SpongeBob scrubs gives him a shot.

  31. eddy says:

    A week of festivities for a 1-year old who won’t remember a lick of it? Yeah, that’s logical.

  32. William says:

    My god with all that i would have dropped dead from exhaustion !!!!
    what the hell does she have cooked up for his 16th?

  33. kim says:

    I second the vote for mother-in-law as author. No way mom wrote this.

    • Oh, but she did... says:

      I know a mom that goes into this much detail over everything. How the kids have lasted this long without therapy, IDK.

      • Taree says:

        My older sister, the only one of us with kids, wrote a similar itinerary for my nephew’s third birthday party at disneyland. It was worse than this one and she even decided to send it to a few of my friends who were joining us. It really freaked everyone out.

  34. Mary says:

    How can a one year old have “Grits” as a favorite food?? I bet Jack is really looking forward to this special week.

    • ZZ says:

      Actually… my child is one and she loves grits. We’re not southern but I made them once for a special dinner, and she’s never eaten that much or slept that well. That was the only thing in the whole schedule I could really picture going according to plan.

    • rachel says:

      I would think grits would go over well with a one-year-old because they’re basically corn gloop. They don’t require chewing. The BBQ, bagels, and meatloaf, though, not so much.

  35. Ash says:

    This has got to be written by Thanksgiving Marney using a pseudonym.

  36. Dariah says:

    I bet Jack’s mother is an older mom…. maybe didn’t have kids until she was in her 40s and Jack is an only child.

    • hknsmama says:

      I bet you’re right. poor Jack, and Steve too, bet he caught hell from her for having to work through this once in a lifetime event!

  37. stanlymorris says:

    only a few more hours until the Riverdogs Baseball game. I hope Jack and his “mommy” are having a blast.

  38. Marianne says:

    agenda for the next 30 years: intense psychoanalysis for Jack.

  39. Joanne says:

    I think Steve is the lucky one-he gets to work through most of the festivities.

  40. Jonathan says:

    you do realize that this agenda was only put together for the The Amy Misto Family even with knowledge that she will never read this. ๐Ÿ™

    • Dina says:

      hahahahaha! awesome. that’s also the first thing that came to my mind: “this is MARNEY.”

    • Dina says:

      I smell an entitled little prick in the making. “This is a week all about JACK.” Good thing his entire family is willing to drop everything and cater to his every whim, since no other kid his age will be able to stand him.

    • Joe says:

      I hope all of the food will be served in regulation size casserole dishes with lids (no tin foil).

    • Meredith says:

      I just spit tea all over my desk laughing at your comment. The Amy Misto family!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!

      • Mary says:

        Yes Marnie strikes again – although I notice that Jack’s diet is not very well balanced – where are the fresh fruit and veg? I’m sure he’s not getting 5 a day.

    • Cindy says:

      Jonathan, I think it was also directed at The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family. Let’s just hope she didn’t screw up on Saturday the 18th and bring the large plastic platter from the supermarket.

  41. Amy says:

    My mistake! I know see this was in 2008. That means this week is Jack’s 3rd birthday! I’d love to see that itinerary!

  42. Amy says:

    Look at the dates. The week has begun. Right about now, they’re leaving for the Riverdogs Baseball Game. What worries me most is that there’s no time scheduled for Jack’s naps. I also doubt a boy turning 1 has eaten meatloaf, spaghetti, and broccoli enough for them to have become favorites.

    My children’s first birthdays lasted about 2 hours — after nap time, and I made them apple cake from the What to Expect the First Year book.

    How on earth will she top this in subsequent years? Will people really by flying in for each birthday? Can’t wait until he’s in preschool/school and wants to have friends over. Will they be coming over every day for a week?

  43. Melanie says:

    wow. just wow. I got exhausted just reading that! fun-sucker is right !

  44. MagnusMaximus says:

    I normally wouldn’t want to go but as soon as mom said “Golden Coral”, count me in!

  45. Hmmm says:

    This *had* to have been written by my mother in law…

  46. Shawna says:

    Wow… Can we say O.C.D!

  47. Barbara says:

    I wonder just how many “family members” actually showed up for this week of “festivities” for the Jack. Maybe they came if only to rescue him from his control freak mother!

    I wonder, too, if she has the rest of his life this tightly scheduled…hmmmm……
    Poor kid.

  48. Karen says:

    Poor, poor Jack…his mom is a total fun-sucker (someone who sucks the fun out of every event by over-planning). It’s just like my mom told me a long time ago: No one will ever love your child the way that you do and you can’t expect them to drop everything for his/her…no matter how much it means to you.

    • Kelly says:

      Yeah, i get that this women probably is a little ocd, but does she really have to be made fun of? This is probably just her first born child who i bet she loves very much and she just wanted the best for him. could she have done it a better way? certainly. but she just wanted him to have fun. dont judge someone you dont know.

      • Brittany says:

        @Kelly- if you don’t want to judge people why are you coming to this web site? Bad choice.

        • Kelly says:

          I come to this website because i like laughin @ the ridiculous photos and scenarios, just like everybody else. But really, what would you think if one of your family pictures was on there and people were calling you a freak or a bad mother? its ok to do a little teasing, but you cant just decide this woman is a bad mother.

      • comeongob says:

        Why are you here?

      • Jacie West says:

        Really, Kelly….? I agree that people to not need to be judged. but she wanted him to have fun…? It’s his FIRST birthday that he is NEVER going to remember. there is no reason to go to that extreme and bring your parents in for an ENTIRE week and all that planning…… Really…..Really!!!

  49. Amber says:

    I see that the most “amazing” week of Jack’s life had to include his yearly checkup. Mom, it doesn’t HAVE TO be that precise. Poor guy probably got shots and then had to go to an “overstimulating” party. ๐Ÿ™

  50. So. says:

    What if things don’t go according to plans? It would be the mom’s final descent into neurosis…

    • Uncuw Biww says:

      its inevitable…nothing that tightly packed will go according to plan. Mom will probably decide to go back to work.

    • Clairesa says:

      Aww, just wait until next years birthday, when Jack has legs. First time moms just dont get it yet !!! Jack will get his revenge when he turns 16 lol

    • Two time mommy says:

      You know someone else is looking at this agenda thinking “WHat’s wrong with that? It’s such a good idea I think I’ll do that next year for little Timmy!”

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