Awkward Family Itinerary

April 8th, 2010

From: Beverly ____[Addresses Omitted]
Date: Mon, Apr 5, 2009 at 6:04 PM
Subject: Jack’s B-day week agenda…
To: [Addresses Omitted]

Hi everyone,

We could not be more excited about Jack’s upcoming 1st birthday and the fact that he gets to share it with his entire family both near and far. This many people may be somewhat overwhelming for Jack in the beginning so my advice to everyone is to not over-stimulate him but instead give him a chance to get used to all the excitement. This is a week all about JACK and we want it to be amazing for him. The places we are going are his favorites. The food we chose are the foods he loves the most.

I have put together the following agenda…

Monday, April 13
(Steve works 11-3:15)
8:30 am: Bonnie and Jack leave for Charlotte NC
12:00 pm: Grannie and Gramps arrive (lunch in Charlotte)
6:00 pm: Dinner at house (to be prepared by Steve)

Tuesday, April 14
(Steve works 9:45-5)
-Breakfast at home (eggs, grits and hash browns)
-Party supply store (Bon, Jack, Grannie and Gramps)
-Lunch Sticky Fingers
7:05 pm: Riverdogs Baseball Game (dinner at park)

Wednesday, April 15
(Steve works 3:30-9:15)
-Breakfast at home (biscuits and gravy)
-Columbia Zoo (Bon, Jack, Grannie, Gramps)
-Lunch in Columbia
-Dinner at home (Spaghetti and meatballs)

Thursday, April 16 (JACK’s BIRTHDAY)
-Breakfast at home (home-made waffles)
-Charleston Aquarium
-Lunch downtown Charleston/Cupcake Store
6:00 Birthday dinner at Nana’s House
MENU (meatloaf, mac-n-cheese, broccoli, cupcakes)

Friday, April 17
(Steve works 11-3:15)
4:30 am: Drew, Doug and Katia leave for Charleston
-Patty and Tommy drive to Charleston
-Breakfast at house (cinnamon buns)
10:30 am: Jack Dr, apt (1 year checkup)
-Pick up food and cake for party
-Charleston Kids Museum
-Lunch at the Buccaneer
-Dinner at Kelly’s BBQ when everyone arrives

Saturday, April 18
-9:30 leave house for breakfast at Golden Coral
-Tour around Downtown Charleston
-Lunch at Red’s on Shem Creek
6:00 Party
Food platters and cake

Sunday, April 19
-Drew, Doug, Katia, Patty and Tommy leave
-Breakfast at home (bagels and spread for when people leave)
-Folly beach (Steve and Gramps fish)
-Lunch at Folly Beach
-Dinner at home (grill at Nana’s house/burgers and dogs)

Monday, April 20
8:00 am: leave for Charlotte to take Grannie and Gramps
Steve, Jack and Bonnie to spend day in Charlotte

We look forward to seeing everyone and everyone seeing Jack.

Drive and fly safe,

The Harris-Driver Family*

(submitted by Andrea)

*names, dates, and locations have been changed to protect the awkward family

562 Responses to “Awkward Family Itinerary”

  1. YouGottaBeKiddinMe says:

    Was Jack born with a terminal disease? Did he miraculously survive a fall from a helicopter? Did he narrowly escape the jaws of a rabid mongoose? No? None of the above? Then why the bloody hell is it such a big deal that he’s a whole YEAR OLD?

  2. Linda says:

    Did Marnie from Thanksgiving write this?

  3. irene says:

    You have got to be kidding me. This lady is in for a very RUDE awakening…

  4. Uncuw Biww says:

    i just read this to my sister and she was in tears. I could imagine the relatives receiving this email and hurriedly making arrangements to be out of town, busy, or schedule that long put off dental surgery for JUST THAT week.

  5. MySisterIsNuts says:

    I want a week dedicated to my 16’th birthday…. Jack isn’t even going to remember this!

  6. Imagine what Jack’s 2nd birthday is going to be like…

  7. manda says:

    ummm…these people should probably have their cholesterol and triglycerides checked.

  8. mary says:

    omg i kept laughing harder as a i scrolled down to see day after day after day….

  9. Sam says:

    Something must be wrong with my family because I’m about to turn 21 and I’ve *never* had an entire week dedicated to my birthday. From middle school on it was pretty much just my aunt and grandparents coming over for Chinese takeout on the closest Saturday and maybe going to see a movie with friends.

    Jack is probably going to grow up to be completely spoiled or neurotic.

    • hannahbelle143 says:

      that is the story of my life! im 17 years old and i have NEVER had a birthday party! all my school friends say that im weird, because i go to private school, and all of my rich friends throw birthday parties fit for royalty. for example, my friend annabeth had a birthday pary where we all went to a lady gaga concert ( there were 15 people at this party) and afterwards, we went out to claim jumper for a full course meal!!!!

  10. Laura says:

    I wonder if for the party on the 18th they enlist the help of the amazing Marney to send round a sub-itiniery for the “6.00pm Party Food Platters and Cake”:

    – Gram and Gramps to supply regulation-sized cooing and pawing over Jack The Little Treasure
    – Bon and Steve to supply Food Platters – BUT DO NOT USE the blue non-regulation sized platter as per our disastrous Thanksgiving dinner of 2008 (naming no names about whose fault that was, BONNIE)
    – Steve, we all know how tired you are after work, but you must remain upbeat AT ALL TIMES
    – Doug, Katia and the gang (see, I used the word “gang”, I can be laid-back!), please consult the attached list of gifts, one of each must be bought for Jack. Alternatively, please send cheques made out to the Harris-Driver Family (no pressure here, though 🙂 )
    – I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS with these demands.

    All good wishes (but not to Bonnie),

    Your favourite stickler, MARNEY XX

  11. Laura says:

    Imagine what Jack’s 2nd birthday is going to be like…

  12. geekgirl70 says:

    I’d like to know why Jack is so damned important, that the entire family’s week should be planned around him? I’d love it if that woman sent something like that to me. I’d send her back a detailed itinerary of how to shove it up her… ahem.

  13. Miss B says:

    I thought Jack was the family dog.

  14. Elle says:

    The guy I dated all through high school lived with his sister, and anytime she traveled or had any kind of party she made an itinerary EXACTLY like this one. I went on vacation with them a couple times and she even put where we were allowed to sit in the car on her itinerary. It kind of makes me wonder if this is one of her itineraries.

    • Elizabeth C says:

      This letter is NOTHING compared to the “agenda” my mom cooked up. It was 3 of her adult children with 7 grandchildren. My gma was on in years and my mom wanted to keep things in line for her. She had listed exactly which towels we could use and when we could shower, eat, go anywhere…it was pages and pages. And then she had little notes clipped to stuff just in case the agenda wasn’t enough. It made for a very tense vacation!

  15. CC says:

    This sounds just like my mother-in-law (wonder if it’s hers)

  16. Amy says:

    Oh my gosh!
    This is how I plan EVERY family get together—yes I have a few control issues 
    BUT in her defense (even thought this is TOTALLY overboard for a 1 yr old party) when you are feeding and coordinating that many people it is so important to have a plan and make sure everyone knows about it—that way you (the lone women) isn’t stuck in the kitchen cooking 7 meals a day to accommodate all your family.
    After all the planning you just step back and let people join in if they want.

    • corinne says:

      I used to lead large groups on tours of foreign countries. It’s appropriate for some occasions. You’re right about the meal planning nightmare, but it sounds like the family isn’t even coming over to Jack’s house, he’s going to someone else’s place. I don’t know how steve’s job fits into it all, but maybe he’s a telecommuter. What is also wierd is how Jack is so central for the whole week. Maybe everyone met in this other city for a family vacation centered around worshipping Jack? I don’t understand, but it’s crazy overboard. Poor, poor Jack.

  17. Michael says:

    Ive got some great party ideas from this. Halloween is gonna be a great one! Cheers

  18. Liam says:

    Did jack grow up to be a spoiled obese kid.

  19. Mikehop says:

    Hey, it is Saturday. Steve and Gramps, GET OUT THERE AND FISH. Otherwise Jack’s birthday week will be ruined.

  20. Some chick says:

    Proof positive that _The Berenstain Bears and the Too Much Birthday_ is te most frighteningly prescient childrens’ book ever written.

    (For goodness sake, it’s a BABY. Up until about the age of five, kids will react the *exact same way* whether you say “Honey, wanna go to Disneyworld?” or “Honey, wanna dogsled across Antarctica for a month?” or “Honey, wanna dig outside in the dirt for an hour?”)

  21. Mel says:

    Well, I know some people who want to know the details and timetable of the events they are invited to (so they can decide what they’re wearing and eating) and arent too keen on surprises.

  22. leanne says:

    There’s a reason why Sunday was spent at Folly Beach…

  23. Lee says:

    I’m guessing no one involved was on a low-carb diet ….

  24. afpwin says:

    Mother, should I build the wall?

  25. adfogg says:

    We went to our great-nephew’s 1st birthday a few years back. He sat on the floor playing with a balloon. He was the happiest kid on the planet. “I’ve got a BALLOON! It makes a fun sound and bounces!”

    • Catherine says:

      Hahaha most kids at that age don’t care about the presents, they’d sooner play with the paper/box it came in. Planning my daughter’s 8th next month, got all this stuff planned and all she cares about is that I’ve bought party poppers…..sheesh

  26. Rory #2 says:

    One-year-olds shouldn’t even be touching solid foods, much less something full of wheat and dyes and other potential allergens. I’m sorry, but this just bugs me SO MUCH! If you’re going to obsess about your child, obsess about things that are good for him, not things that will serve YOUR purposes disguised as his!

    • SH says:

      “One year olds shouldn’t even be touching solid foods” hahahaha! You obviously don’t have kids. Any pediatrician or nutritionist will tell you that children need more than just milk in their diets (eg., solids) by 6 months of age.

      Over-sheilding your children from scary things in the world (like WHEAT… omg no!) is just as bad as overstimulating them and over-exposing them to suagr, hot dogs, food colouring etc. I personally know so many parents who completely sterilize their babies’ environments (inlcuding the air they breathe), feed them only organic, gluten-free, wheat-free, allergen-free, dairy-free, salt-free, scent-free, etc etc… and guess what, the kids end up allergic/sensitive to everything, and get sick all the time. Sad.

    • corinne says:

      Get over yourself! She never said JACK is going to be eating that garbage! For all you know he’s still breastfeeding and eating home-made organic foods. Seriously. Some people and their assumptions! There is so much to be confused about in this post, you don’t have to make new stuff up just because it’s on YOUR agenda!

      • Sunnie says:

        She actually says at the beginning of the letter, that they would be eating all of Jacks favorite foods.:) However I disagree with Rory on not feeding a one year old solid food, (Rory obviously has never had a child, at least I hope not)!

        • Alyssa says:

          Actually, by 12 months, your child’s diet should be almost entirely made up of solid food, and table food at that. There is no reason why a toddler cannot eat normal food. Many are eating table food before that. Babies start solid foods between four and six months. Do you even have kids?

        • Karen says:

          My son’s doctor took one look at my son woofing down a bottle of formula (and no breast-feeding judgement, please – if I could have, I would have!) during his check up, and said “That kid is a chow-hound. Feed him some rice cereal starting now.”

          I started feeding him solids at three months as a result. Go figure!

  27. Rory #2 says:

    Heck, you don’t even need to get a one-year-old cake. You give the cake to the kids and adults and pretend to feed it to him. Give him mashed sweet potatoes. Sing happy birthday. Snap photos. Call it good! He’s not going to freaking remember… No need to crowd him and overload him with SUGAR. Ugh!

  28. nosleep3 says:

    I’m guessing Jack naps after lunch–Mom consistently schedules nothing at all between lunch and dinner. Which is probably when the family who have traveled from so far away get to enjoy some non-micromanaged time on their VACATION.

    Modern parenting requires a lot of flexibility. This mom is going to learn that real quick, now that Jack is old enough to walk, talk, and make unreasonable demands. (Seriously, lady, learn fast that you cannot reason with a one-year-old. He does not care how carefully you have planned your schedule.)

  29. Lerro says:

    There sure are a lots and lots of sweets to be consumed; according to the Agenda Sheet.

  30. omgitsme says:

    Someone has CONTROL ISSUES

  31. Austin says:

    a whole week!?!?!?!? really all i get is a week.

  32. chris says:

    obviously the kid is also a baseball fan at 1 year old with the Riverdogs game (most beautiful minor league ballpark in the country…FYI). Better be hoping it was a Thirst Thursday so that the extended family could get propperly smashed to have to deal with this kid/mother combo

  33. Susanne says:

    Beverly, have you met my friend Marnie?

  34. customcartoons says:

    My positive side wants to believe that this is more about getting a bunch of family together because they haven’t seen each other for a while. But you can’t ignore the fact that the event they all settled on was Jack’s 1st B-day.
    Orrrrr … maybe Jack’s mom is the only one who THINKS this is about Jack, and they don’t have the heart to tell her. Yes, I’m sure that’s it. (Please, God!) o_O

  35. serah says:


  36. Hilarious says:

    I live in Charleston where this is taking place and I think I actually saw these people. Not joking.

  37. Annie says:

    Why all the hoopla for a 1-year-old, I’ll never know. I’d just want to be around for the food! That all sounds delicious! (The subsequent exercise plan need not be as detailed as this itinerary.)

    • Katia says:

      Precisely. When my cousin had a first birthday party for her kid, I asked my mom, “why do people have birthday parties for 1-year-olds? They won’t know what’s going on, they’ll never remember it…why not just call it what it is: a ‘come over and bring my kid presents and say how cute it is’ party?”

  38. Jenny says:

    they poor family. every time he poops they probably think it is cute, meanwhile the non immediate family probably wanted to kill themselves by the end of the week.

    where are the naps? man, talk about over stimulation, this kid is going to be hell, how is she going to top this for all the years to come?

  39. Michelle says:

    Where in the itinerary are the bathroom breaks? Oh yeah, no time… she probably supplied Depends for everyone!

  40. Kristin says:

    Can you imagine what their wedding was like?

  41. Michelle says:

    Oh no, what’s for dinner Friday night?

  42. Jannette says:

    My great aunt did whatever she thought my cousin would enjoy from the time he was a tiny infant. He has serious issues to this day. He HAS to be the center of attention, his younger sister ceases to exist or matter in their eyes. She’s an angry little bugger, too. He will knock into people or stand right in front of you when you are having a conversation with someone else. He’s very “LOOK AT ME NOW!” And will do outlandish things to get a reaction from people. He is loud, obnoxious, show boating, and if he wants it, he gets it, even if his sister wants something else. It’s so sad. I can’t stand them.

    Good luck with Jack rest of the family, you are in for a really irritating ride.

  43. Darla says:

    This is obviously an only child.

    And a 1-year checkup means shots. So she likely took a cranky, sore, or even feverish child to the Children’s Museum and subjected everyone there to her child’s bewildered wailing. Thumbs up, lady.

    • Mrs. Mark says:

      Exactly! Who on earth schedules a dr appointment with shots for the same day as the birthday party? She may be an over-planner, but she’s not very smart.

      • AmyB says:

        The only shot my kids had due at 1 year was the chicken pox vaccine and we could put that off until later. Maybe she doesn’t vaccinate?

  44. Jim says:

    No Clowns?

  45. Lindsay says:

    He’s turning 1 for goodness sake, get some balloons, streamers and a cake for him to dig into, done and done. I didn’t realize that any birthday involves a weeks worth of events, especially for a 1 year old! Jeesh!

    • Bahadir says:

      Indoor Dialog (not provided)

      Mom: No no no no Jack!!! you don’t like cake, chocolate, candies, balloons. you are almost 1 year old!!! Bla Bla Bla STEEEEEVVVVEEEE
      Poor Steve (as Dad): Sure Honeyyyyy. Your mom is absolutely right Jack
      Poor Jack: no need to write anything in behalf of Jack

      • thecol says:

        you’ve forgotten one very important issue – kids birthday parties have become just another status symbol/reason for competition with your ‘friends’ and neighbors. No self-respecting Mommy is gonna let the other area Mommies out do her in regard to little Johnny’s first birthday even though Little Johnny won’t have any idea what’s happening nor will he ever remember. Its just the latest in the suburbia wars – you have landscaping, purses, cell phones – even the kids’ little league sporting goods equipment, now – you’ve always had cars and houses. I know because I see it everyday. Maybe I’m just lazy but I just don’t care – does that make me a bad suburbanite?

        • RioGirl says:

          Yes “thecol” it does. Get off your lazy butt & start planning something big, pointless & expensive….LOL

          @Bahadir, perhaps someone could have suggested a fun game of “search for Steve’s family jewels”.

    • sarah says:

      Agreed! I thought the 1st birthday party was more of a party for the parents saying “we survived!” And I would bet 1 million bucks jack threw a tantrum probably just before 8:30. It’s a BABY, you can try to put them on a schedule but they are going to force you to make some changes. You would think a parent of a 1 year old would know that by now.

      • kelly says:

        Not to mention all the people, all the activity and certainly all the traveling probably had Jack sick and puking with a fever by the 3rd day. My son has only been sick a handful of times (he’s 7 now) but for his first three years he got super sick the next day after his birthday. Too much excitement wears babies down!!

  46. Tiffany says:

    Who is paying for all this? My guess is Steve. He is the only one at work.

  47. So BBQ is a fave food for a one year old?

    • alison says:

      I am concerned that a 1 year old like “Red’s” in Charleston, SC. It’s pretty much a bar.

      • chris says:

        hahaha! i thought the exact same thing! Red’s is a nice BAR right on the water that is frequented by a young adult crowd. After the previous few day maybe the kid does need a nice single malt to calm down.

  48. Ann says:

    Jack’s gonna be a little entitled, I’m afraid. Glad I’m not his teacher.

  49. Christine says:

    I like how Beverly told everyone not to overstimulate Jack, when in fact it is she who would be doing the overstimulating by planning all of those things for a 1-year-old. I can guarantee Jack melted down on Day 2, and the only thing that got done for the rest of the week was a a dozen trips to the Redbox. I bet Steve was glad he had to work.

  50. Marc says:

    I am not certain the overplanning is necessarily a bad thing (I am a planner too) but it is somewhat concerning that almost every item on this itinerary relates to food! What happens between breakfast and lunch and between lunch and dinner? Some form of excercise I hope!

    • Say What?! says:

      It is all about Jack, and Jack likes to eat. When not eating, he likes to go to the party supply store.

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