Happy Thanksgiving From AFP!
November 24th, 2010
It’s turkey day again and this year, AFP is giving thanks for Marney’s legendary Thanksgiving Letter. When we received this a year ago, little did we know the cult following it would receive. Read it for the first time, read it again, but most importantly, do not forget anything!
From: Marney
As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.
Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.
All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.
The Mike Byron Family
1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.
The Bob Byron Family
1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).
The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family
1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).
The Michelle Bobble Family
1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife
The June Davis Family
1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay
The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)
1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.
Looking forward to the 28th!!
Marney
(kindly submitted by Kara at http://californiakara.blogspot.com)
I read the letter to my family last Thanksgiving and my mom said, “what’s wrong with that”! Every family probably has a “Marney”
I have 5 casserole dishes in 5 different sizes could someone tell me which is the regulation one. Thank you.
also none have lids
One year my mom and Aunt flipped because my cousin’s new wife wanted to bring corn to Thanksgiving dinner. “Too much starch! Was the girl raised by wolves?” Because apparently wolves don’t know to avoid too much starch when gorging yourself on quadruple portions of everything else. And yes, I was compelled to send them each a case of canned corn for Christmas. Marny would seriously hate me at Christmas!
If I were Amy Misto, if I even went after this insulting, narcissistic tripe, I would dump the turnips in Marney’s lap, then hit her in the head a few times with the serving spoon!
marney will be at her house. the rest of us will meet at Auntie Clara’s. whoo. i couldnt take her. i guess they are too genteeeel for fisticuffs.
This is hysterical, to say the least! Oh how I wish I was a part of Marney’s family because she would be so much fun to mess with. I would love to see how little it would take for her to screw herself into the ceiling! LOL
Alcohol must be everyone’s best friend at this Thanksgiving holiday. Goodness, I wish I was a party of that family just so I could be a spiteful biotch and do the opposite of what was requested of me. Hopefully someone in that family did exactly just that.
Is it just me or is 15 pounds of mashed potato equivalent to the weight of a small child?
Like, holy potato s***.
Literally.
Only if the small child weighs…uh…fifteen pounds.
*giggle* @ JohnS
**It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is)**
Um, no- how is Mike?
I’ve gotten letters like this before for Thanksgiving and had to laugh to think of others in the same situation.
Love the “regulation style casserole dish”!
I like Marney. She makes me look way way less crazy.
Hahaha!
I can’t take the pressure!!!! Need valium NOW!!!!!!
I think telling Amy “no knife needed” was pretty much like saying “bring pies and I’m sure you’ll never remember to bring a knife for the pies so I’ve asked your sister to bring a pie knife”. Of course the sister is more responsible and will bring the pie knife, Amy’s not even gonna read the letter so she’ll have nothing to refer to. I wonder how many phone calls Marney made to Amy to re-remind her, e-mail her this recipe she probably couldn’t find, or call her the day before asking “have you made the pies?”
Yeah, or in her one moment of clarity Marny realized that Amy was the one most likely to shank her half-way through the grown-up hors d’oeuvre contribution.
This sounds like Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced Boo-kay) from Keeping Up Appearances! I love it!
I love that show! “Rrrrrrichard, mind the bicyclist!” and “Richard, please don’t stretch out of doors like that, it’s so common.”
I have a daughter named Marney and one named Amy plus 1 son and 2 more daughters…….Marney is this you?
For God’s sake mother, NO. I can barely brush my hair, let alone host a party that requires instructions.
excellent!
So fun that your own mother seems to think you are this “together” *LOL*
ROFL! This is the funniest post of all! Marney, I don’t care that you can’t brush your hair–you’re a riot! Are you single?
–can’t…breathe–
Of all the crazy-funny parts of this letter, my favorite is the “regulation size casserole dish.” Don’t you just want to salute?
Good Lord! I think I was married to her son but she called herself Angie back then…..
this makes me laugh every time. i love her “, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time.” i can just imagine! lol
How weird would it be if you showed up at a party and they served a proscuitto pin wheel, five pounds of asparagus, Hagen Daz peppermint bark ice cream and Clos du Bois chardonnay?
I’d either leave, get drunk immediately or just hang out to see the incredibly odd interactions in this family.
OMG. I laughed so hard at this Rob. And you didn’t even mention the 15 pounds of “mash” and (Lisa’s contribution) three celery sticks and a cherry tomato.
Dear Marney,
Thank you for your gracious orders . . . oops . . . invitation. I will be eating at the local soup kitchen this year. Please stuff your own turkey up your . . . uh . . . oven. Yeah, that’s it. Stuff it up your oven.
what an anal retentive twit.
Sincerely,
Cousin Gonzo
Nice!
This cracks me up every time I read it! For real, “serving spoon, not a table spoon”. Obviously, she has never been at a dinner at my house before!
Does she have a letter for Christmas dinner? You could publish a book.
She should have included:
Other requirements: Stand on your head, spin around twice, and knock only once with all four knuckles hitting the door at the same time…don’t forget the serving spoon!
AFP, can you please contact the person who posted this..and see if there are others! i laugh every time, but would like to know that Marney is continuing to spread the holiday cheer!
Every year someone sends me this, and every year I get harassed with “is this you” e-mails. I promise, not all gals named Marney are this anal.
Best holiday letter ever! I laugh every time I read it!
Near as I can figure it, Marney’s going to have 2 bottles of wine and 3 cases of beer at her Thanksgiving. Now, I’m all for moderation, but unless there’s only one person drinking wine, and maybe 4 people drinking beer, this is one holiday dinner where people are going to have their tongues hanging out by the time the Lisa Byron Chesterford family’s crudites are polished off.
I’m also wondering whether the Bobbles, Davis, and Mistos dread the Coming Of The Thanksgiving Missive. I can see it now:
The Bobble household – Hallowe’en
Mr. Bobble: Well, that’s over for another year. Time for a deep breath before planning Christmas.
Mrs. Bobble: Christmas? Are you on crack? Nu-uh – Thanksgiving is only 3 weeks away.
Mr. Bobble: Oh crap. That means we’re going to get another of those anally-retentive emails from your sister Marney laying out in precise detail exactly what shape the cookies should be.
Mrs. Bobble: Ssssshh, don’t call her “anally-retentive”! The kids might hear – you remember last year when Bob’s oldest went up to Mike and asked what Marney meant with her “you know what Mike’s like” comment, and how Jane suggested to Bob that “his uptight brother ought to man up – this is a guy who can inhale 3 crave-cases of White Castle cheese-sliders but will pop a vein if there’s a hint of cheese on his asparagus.”
Mr. Bobble: Don’t remind me – all I can say is that the old broad had better put more booze on the list this time. Amy’s husband and I were talking about drinking the anti-freeze out of the Escalade and we hadn’t even got to the turkey!
Mrs. Bobble: Agreed. And before we go any further, you’re driving this year. I’m not spending another Thanksgiving under that woman’s roof sober. If you see my glass empty you’d better be topping it up without something a little better than that Clos du Bois toilet cleaner she’s so keen on. Do you still have your groomsman’s hip flask? I vote that we fill that up with Jack before hitting the road.
SCREAMING with laughter! THANK YOU, that was the best!
Bwahahahahahaha!!!!
What happened to the guy who got assigned to bring wine only? I remember there was a lot of discussion last year about that???
Reading this letter never gets old. Sorta like stuffing.
Plus–the June Davis family should really be bringing Marney an industrial size bottle of Prozac w/ easy-to-open lid, no spoon needed.
awesomeness…
love it!
Hey everyone, leave Marney alone. This is HER holiday, not yours !
We should all do whatever it takes to make it special… just for her.
Remember, the most trivial issue can absolutely ruin the entire day !
Are you married to Marney??? Because only a control freak like her would have a partner who was sympathetic to her plight.
I think you need to turn your snark meter on. That was clearly tongue-in-cheek.
Marney sucks… Period, point blank!
I would like to start cooking recipes using as many organic vegeatibles as i can
ok?
Is there an organic cheesecake recipe?
….with vegetables in it?
Glad to see you all got a kick out of the letter.
Cheers,
Kara
@californiakara
Did Marney send another letter this year? If so, I’d love to see what that one was like!
Clos du Bois preference pretty much says it all.
I have a Sister like this.. My Dad always said the worst thing in the world she could ever have done was get her M.Ed degree in Special Education.. because treats everyone like one of her students.
Ummmm…special education teacher here with her master’s. I have NEVER talked to my students that way.
Totally my sister-in-law who INSISTS that EVERY holiday is at her house. Birthday celebrations, too.
MissBethie…Are you Micheal’s sister? If not I really doubt Micheal’s dad is talking about you.
“The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)”
I love Amy!
Amy is the smartest of the family.
I have forwarded this to the others in our annual Thanksgiving potluck group.
This year there was actually a guest who turned to me to comment my apple pie: “oh, this isn’t as good as my grandma’s blueberry pie”, was all he could say (the —hole)
It does seem a thankless job, though, if the guests grumble & hostesss is an ingrate like Marney here. . .
Food for thought,
Linda-Louise
Comparing apple to blueberry pie – odd
I agree. That’s like saying, “Oh, this peanut butter sandwich isn’t as good as my grandma’s lasagna.” Weird.
comment win. i lol’ed.
Me too. A hands down win for B.
To the Marney defenders: If your family needs to be told this nonsense in order for “you” to have an adequate Thanksgiving, STOP HOSTING!!!!!! If they don’t like the ice cream, who cares, that’s what’s there, eat it or don’t. Marney can stop nailing herself to the cross and being a martyr.
In my family, my parents and my aunt and uncle take turns hosting. My mother and aunt have sense so they coordinate with each other. My dad and uncle have a ridiculous rivalry – if my dad is making the turkey, my uncle has to make a ham, my dad will counter with lasagna, so my uncle adds a rack of lamb. This goes back and forth. My aunt and mom work out desserts and appetizers/salads, etc. The rest of us bring this or that and booze. No one cares if the wine compliments the meal, as long as there’s enough booze to drink, we’re good.
And you know who wins from my dad and my uncle’s one-upmanship? All of us. There’s about 12 of us but there’s enough food to feed a small country.
There’s telling someone what they can bring to a party and there’s giving them ridiculously specific orders including the use of the term “regulation casserole dish.” We all know this doesn’t exist except in the mind’s of crazy people. Marney is obviously that annoying person we all know (read: work with) who is so obsessed with everyone else’s movements and actions that she never enjoys a second of life.
This made my Thanksgiving! Thank you. Glad not much is expected of me as a married woman. And is a regulation-sized casserole dish the size of a football? Just curious.
I thought the same thing…….”regulation” sized casserole. I wasn’t aware there was such a thing….I guess that’s because I am just not very athetic.
Marny just wants Thanksgiving to go the way she wants it to go. She is adult enough and assertive enough to say it.
People who don’t want it to go this way, should be adult enough and assertive enough to say, “I am going somewhere else for Thanksgiving.”
Family may or may not be genetic. Your choice.
this is “adult”? oh lordy. you must be as much of a petulant child as she is.
“Family may or may not be genetic. Your choice.”
Um, no… you DON”T have a choice in whether “family” is “genetic”. It just is.
And I WOULD go somewhere else. Or maybe I might go every other year just to mess with Marney’s obsessive disorder.
there are plenty of people who are not raised in their genetic families so families don’t have to be genetic. There are also folks who build close networks that replace or extend their family of origin and are as good as (or better than!) their “real” family. So Modesty was right.
You’d have to go on completely random years with totally random dishes – that would really mess with her obsessiveness.
But not not OBSESSIVELY randomly random.
I think bringing a jar of peanut butter and some crackers for your dish one year might perk things up. And one of those big 12-packs of little bags of Cheetos another year – unless there are more than 12 dining, in which case you might want two 12-packs.
Just how big IS 15 lbs of mashed spuds, by volume? I SOUNDS like a tower of power. I can’t envision that fitting into 2 regulation-sized casseroles. (Whose regulations?)
Yeah, honey, it’s called being controlling. Nobody likes people like that… except maybe OTHER people like that! She should definitely be medicated… (and I’m sure she has a preference as to what KIND of pill…)
Marnie??? Is that you???
^lol!!!
You have a point about Marney being adult enough to state exactly how she’d like things, but being an adult also means being able to accept that people might want to do things differently to you. It’s the snide remarks which accompany her “requests” which make this so awful.
I wonder how many turned up to her Thanksgiving dinner?
The hell with ‘regulation-sized’. This woman has an INDUSTRIAL-sized burr up her a**. Maybe she needs to ‘jazz up’ her Corona with some Valium. God knows if I had to attend that dinner from Hell I would probably slip her some when she wasn’t looking!
I love the regulation size part – it is the part where she is completely coming undone.
I think she’s this angry just because her name is Marney.
I literally laughed out loud. Great reply!
Love MARNEY!
Hitchcock made a movie called Marnie.
Should I be this infuriated? I’m completely infuriated that someone would treat people like this, especially in light of her preference for Clos du bois and Corona!! I think I’d bring one lidded casserole containing a postcard that says a word beginning with the letter F, and another with a card that says “you”.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH this lady ticks me off.
Forget the lid – cover it in foil!
LOL! I agree with Stacie! And bring a soup spoon!
…a plastic one from a deli, still in the filmy little wrapper.
OMG I think I am related to her…………………..
I think I AM her…. only at Easter
OMG. LMA completely OFF. “Lisa – as a married woman – you are expected to contribute at an adult level”. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. Thank you AFP!
so with her contribution, does Lisa get to move up to the adult table this year, or still at the half-sized kiddie table with all the other single family members?
If she winds up bringing a Safeway vegetable platter she’s back at the kid’s table for at least another year.
Is there really a Marney? If there is, there should have been a new request letter this year, unless she got wind that her letter is a national joke. If there is a Marney, she has some mighty big control issues.
Makes me wish I held onto the scathing email from my sister-in-law critisizing the holiday and birthday gifts that I purchase, how cheap she thinks I am, how I spend too much money on myself, how I don’t talk enough at family gatherings, how un-thoughtful gift cards are to give, and how at one of my in-laws anniversary dinners (which I thoughfully helped prepare and serve!) I guess I forgot to go up to my inlaws and announce “Happy Anniversary” which I thought was implied and how it supposedly hurt their feelings so much. Makes me long to spend the holidays with Marney!!
Holy crap! You’re talking about my sister! I guess there’s one in every family.
omg you are so talking about my MIL! she has even has had the nerve to tell me my husband,her son, spends too much money…
My sister sends us occasional “you’re all horrible, thoughtless people who don’t appreciate me” letters like that – I have a feeling there will be another one you can post.
Wow sounds like my Mother and Father. At least once a month I get an email listing out how horrible and selfish I am.
Paper plates, cheap beer and wine in plastic red college beer cups (on sale this week at Food Lion) to accompany all of our pot luck sides, many that came in reynolds wrap and it was all delicious!!!!!!!!!! But the BESY part was having the family all here, poor Marney is so wrapped up in details that she has forgooteen what thanksgiving is all about… all she is thankful for are regulation size casserole dishes, lids, serving spoons and 15 pounds of taters….
SO true!! I could care less how the food is contained and delivered OR which recipe is used. Life is too short to care about such mundane things.
Proper grammar IS mundane but annoying when not used. “I COULDN’T care less” is the proper expression.
Why, Marney! You’re a Grammar Nazi too? I am shocked. I do suppose that one such as yourself has never in their life made a grammatical error. You had better go and check the rest of the Internet for similar grammatical atrocities! Save us from the horrible butchering of our precious English language! What would we do without your self-righteous holiday and Internet heroics?
Love,
The Unwashed, Uncouth, Neanderthal, Heathen Masses
I agree completely. We used my grandparents’ china, lace place mats, etc., but the food was a hodge-podge made by 3 different families, not all of them American (US) in origin. Who cares? The food was good, and the company was excellent. That’s Thanksgiving in a nutshell. (As opposed to with a nut.)
I like how she is so gracious as to say any brand of bottled water is okay. As if it would matter anyway, it’s WATER. Ever heard of a tap?
I want to know why my comment wasn’t posted….? I was giving a mental picture of the evening with Marney. I thought it was funny….don’t understand their discriminating policies.
To everyone defending Marney on the basis of her family being clueless. Wrong! I have a cousin who sends similar notes. We are all adults and have been bringing dishes to family gatherings without written instructions for years. When dinner is at “Carol’s” house it’s a nightmare. First off we have offered to host, but Carol gets all huffy and insists that her house is the biggest, the nicest, etc. We’ve taken to rotating houses in turn and everything is great when it’s someplace else. Carol not only sends assignments, she sends recipes. You aren’t just told to bring green beans or salad. You are sent a specific recipe and told to make it exactly. The first year we did. Now we don’t, in spite of (or perhaps because of) her freaking out when we bring green beans with toasted almonds and carmelized onions and NOT the Martha Stewart green beans in antique butter molds.
I’d be tempted to bring something entirely different, like squash when she specifies green beans, or stuffing when she asked for bread. And then I’d act clueless when she had a fit about it. Nothing is more fun than messing with a control freak.
We did this. One time my cousin and I agreed to bring different items than we were assigned. Carol freaked out. I thought steam was going to come out of her ears. Her most memorable comment of the night “I said green beans. Carrots are not green beans! They aren’t even green!”
Thats the best!
Beets. Bring beets, guaranteed to make ‘em crazy every time. Oddly, some people even like beets. More than turnips.
Defending Marney? Are you serious? Everyone should tell her they are coming and then meet somewhere else. She’s nuts.
Some day the Clos Du Bois company is going to track down Marney:
From Elen, Clos Du Bois Winery:
Marney, as you remind us every month, you are one of our most loyal customers and the top individual consumer in our Frequent Buyer Program. The entire staff gathers to marvel at your extremely specific order forms – you create check boxes that we never knew we needed!
Unfortunately, Marney, a great brand name doesn’t make itself and, believe it or not, our winery cannot survive on your purchases alone. We have had some … interesting publicity ever since your Thanksgiving letter circulated through the internet last year. Now, while we do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, WE COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS than when we are trying to sell our product. Marney, we must regretfully ask you to please include another wine with your holiday meals this year. Please instruct your family that you have changed brands, too. Hopefully one of them will forward it to a friend’s blog again.
We know that you are rather attached to our product, and I suspect that we could never insult you by offering to pay you to buy our competitors’ chardonnays. So we’re going to have to play hardball. Marney, we are changing the shape and color of our bottle. We have consulted our marketing department and come up with a bottle shape that is difficult to stack in a fridge, visually displeasing when placed next to a dish of turnips, and extremely easy to spill. It will be messier than Mike’s cheese problem. We regret that it has come to this Marney, especially since your holiday orders have paid for the shipping department’s Christmas bonuses in the past. But you’re doing for our chardonnay what “Sideways” did for merlot.
No hard feelings, okay? We treasured our time together. If any of the family is brave enough to drop in on you this holiday, tell them we said, “Hi,” and “Hang in there – it’s only once a year.”
Elen
I love this!
wow this was great! funny AND well written!
flippin hilarious! can anyone tell me, by the way, what exactly is a ‘regulation’ size casserole???
I could not stop laughing and actually woke my wife up. After reading other comments, I came back to yours and laughed all over again. Thanks so much
I can’t. But while we’re asking, I’d also like to know if this is strictly a U.S., or an international regulation. I mean, what if Lisa Byron Chesterford has married into a family with- gasp!- Canadians!!
Sihaya, you are a HOOT!
I work for a woman like this in public school! Oh, what a joy! Not. %#,>€£! gh