The Panty-Dropper

June 8th, 2011

The Panty-Dropper - Behind The Awkwardness

We received this story from Dave (above) and had to share it with you in all of its unedited glory. We hope that everyone can learn something from his harrowing experience and if you don’t believe it was harrowing, just count the exclamation points.

First of all, let me make it clear. This is a true unembellished story.

Nancy was pregnant with our second child Aaron and was probably in about the 8th month, rather balloon like in shape! We were attending a small church in Northwestern, Ohio close to where both of us were raised. As we entered the sanctuary while looking for a pew that would accommodate my wife’s delicate condition, we turned down the main aisle. I was walking directly behind Nancy when it happened! To my utter disbelief and sheer gut wrenching horror, I looked down and saw my wife’s underwear on the floor!!! My mind was a dizzying blur, almost an out of body experience! Different thoughts raced through my head. Oh God what do I do? If I ignored them, someone else might pick them up…. a really bad idea! “Will the owner of the white oversize panties please come to the lost and found” A really really bad idea!! If I move as in slow motion trying not to draw any extra attention, if that were even possible considering what had just happened, (After all how much more attention could we get!!!) an usher might assist me, an even worse idea! ” Here sir, let me help with those…….!!!!!!!!!!!!” At this point my only two options were to:

A. Faint, acting as though I was slain in the spirit, which would seem strange considering this was a non-charismatic church!

B. Act fast hoping that if I moved at lightning speed I could some how reverse time and wipe this event out my mind as well as of the minds of the 12 people who witnessed this but were now trying not to look by rearranging hymnals or making diverting comments. “Look Virgil, isn’t that the third week in a row the pastor has worn that suit”. “Yes Marge, It’s time for the ole love offering”.

As you’ve probably guessed by now I chose the second one and during the following several years tried to blot this event out of my mind. Well apparently God has either a rather strange, almost twisted sense of humor or my wife needed to buy much better fitting underwear because as you’ve probably already guessed, “it” happened again!! Now nearly 6 years later and she, once again with child, at least 7 or 8 months worth, was back to the previous pear like shape! As fate or the mischievous hand of God would have it, we were again in church. This time we were in West Lafayette Indiana at a church we had only attended a handful of times. As we were exiting after the service, we stopped briefly to shake hands with a gentleman standing in the foyer. As we started to engage in idle yet holy chit chat “something” fluttered softly downward toward the foyer’s carpeted floor! At first my mind refused to accept the graphic reality of what my eyes were seeing! “Oh merciful God in heaven, tell me this is not happening again!” “Just let me die now!!!!!” The next few minutes seemed to last an eternity, with time moving as slowly as molasses in January! The sense of déjà vu and flashbacks to the incident 6 years earlier turned my brain into something resembling petrified silly putty! “Maybe you could send the rapture Lord!” my mind briefly uttered, but quickly rejected the idea when I realized that the three of us would probably be stuck in the same heavenly elevator having the same conversation only now accompanied by harps!

I also know this incident had to be difficult for my wife but let’s face it, women only need to utter either of the magic “P” words (pregnant or pms) and are generally given a free ride no matter how wacky the behavior! “Let’s see mam, you ran five stop lights, created several free form crop circles and turned a poor cow into ground round. Pregnant?…..OK go on and have a nice day!”

Well, we all stood there as still as dime store mannequins for what seemed like a hundred years!! I was still hoping the panties would somehow spontaneously explode to release me from this torment, but alas, that was not to be! I thought of ways to divert attention….. Perhaps start a conversation about da Bears since Chicago was close…. but reality set in and I remembered…I DON’T KNOW SQUAT ABOUT FOOTBALL!!! Darn it… I knew I should have signed up for those intramurals in the eighth grade! Maybe start coughing and act like I was choking.. yes that might just work! Then it hit me.. This guy that I hardly know would perform mouth to mouth on me…. Maybe not as good an idea as I had thought!! (a little too friendly). Well what finally happened was that I edged closer to my wife while straining to chit chat, snagged the panties on my wing tip, reached down as if scratching my leg, grabbed the panties (it was like poetry in motion) until I realized my wife was standing on the other corner of the underwear!!! SNAP!!!!!! “Can this get any worse, Lord?” We finally somehow extricated ourselves and hurriedly scampered out the door. This was our last visit to this church, that is without disguises!!!!

(submitted by Dave)


227 Responses to “The Panty-Dropper”

  1. Martha says:

    Never had my panties drop, but this is close. Back in 1970 (when folks weren’t so open about their underwear) a new style of nylon stockings came out. They had a lacy elastic band at the top, and were meant to go way up past the thigh muscle, where the elastic was meant to hold the stocking up without the help of a garter. I made the mistake of wearing the stockings to the high school where I was student teaching. As I stood in front of a class of 16-year-olds presenting a lesson, I felt one of my stockings start to roll down my leg. I managed to give the students a brief writing assignment to hold their attention while I sidled to the back of the room, kicked off my shoe, and put the stocking (now rolled around my ankle) into the wastepaper can. Those stockings never went to school again!

  2. Louise says:

    Perhaps the panties were a victim of static cling. It seems more logical than just falling off of her body. This happened to me when I was a teen working at a restaurant and our uniforms were dresses. I worked split shift, the noon and evening rush, so in between I laundered my dress. One evening I was making a milkshake and felt something slide and there on the floor was a pair of my panties. I still had my panties on, though. The pair on the floor were stuck to the inside of my dress thanks to static cling. I’ve never had a pair fall off.

  3. anthony says:

    This story could have been told in one or two sentences. Why all the drama?

    • Dave Wallace says:

      Thanks for reading it Anthony. I would agree that it could have been told in a more condensed form, but that is true of most creative writing. When this happened, the events were not only dramatic, they were indeed traumatic! Have a wonderful New Year, filled with Joy and Laughter.

      Dave

  4. Lauren says:

    I remember when I was in grade 4 or 5. I had just ordered this pink cat-print underwear and kid bra set from sears. I had boobs back then but I remember buying it because I thought it was cute, barely realising it was a bra. I only got to wear it for a few days and I was probably the first girl in my grade to be wearing a bra (probably all those growth hormones in milk).
    Anyways we had a field trip to the pool and I changed out of it to wear a swim suit. When it was over I either decided to rough it and keep my swim suit on under my clothes or just didn’t bother putting the bra on. Our class was crossing this major highway and halfway across, I think someone pointed out that I dropped something. And there it was, my little pink bra on the middle of the grimy highway! I was mortified and denied it was mine. I just kept on walking and left it there.
    I’m sorry the details are a little fuzzy. I have a debilitating sensitivity to embarrassment and I think I tend to try and block out those moments. I’m a lot better now and I have a million stories like those because I was a stupid kid.

    • Dave Wallace says:

      Thanks to Lauren, Deb, Brittany and Tiffany for your kind comments.. We all have events in our lives that are awkward, especially as we are growing up. Thanks for sharing yours!

  5. Deb says:

    LOL! I loved this story, it made me laugh out loud! It also made me think of my friend in college. She was sitting in a meeting around a table with group of other people and had her legs crossed. She was absentmindedly bouncing her leg and suddenly she felt something weird on her ankle. Glancing under the table, she discovered a cute pair of purple bikini underpants dangling off the end of her shoe!! She had worn the same pants with different underwear and the old ones had been left inside the pant leg, but, they had “worked” their way down the leg and out!! She pretended do be busy with “something” and was able to get them and put them in her purse!! HAHA

  6. Brittany says:

    Well written story!! But from reading the comments I don’t understand how so many women have problems with keeping their underwear up. I guess I don’t understand how they fall down. I’ve never experienced that issue. If anything the underwear rides UP.

  7. Tiffany says:

    When I was in middle school, I went to stay the night with my granny. I took a shower that night in her master bathroom, which is really tiny. I didn’t want my old clothes to get wet, so I decided I was going to put them in the bedroom, but I couldn’t leave the bathroom, because I was undressed. So I decided to throw my clothes onto the bed. In order to do this, I had to stick my underwear into my jeans pocket. Well, I must have forgotten to take them out, and I guess I decided to wear the same jeans to school the next day. All I know is one day in class the teacher suddenly exclaimed, “Whose panties are these on the floor?!” I looked and there were my panties. I didn’t realize at first that they were mine, so I started laughing along with everyone else as the teacher held them up and she and everyone else made snide comments on the size of them. Then realization hit, and my smile froze. As I began to back away, trying to keep anyone from seeing my face, the class noticed all the pocket lint that had accumulated on the panties, making them now look absolutely filthy. The teacher and students made some more remarks about this, and the teacher threw the underwear in the trash can. Thankfully, no one figured out that they were mine. I totally dodged a bullet there!

  8. Patty says:

    I just read this´story and tears are rolling down my cheeks. Hilarious!
    I remember my mom telling me a similar story.
    My mother was at an amusement park when she started dating my father – this is back in the early 60′s, when she watched with disbelief as one girl she knew from high school was sitting on one of those chair swing rides, the swing turning fast, and suddenly everyone saw the girl’s underwear slip down her legs and fly up in the sky like a parachute and land a couple of yards away – it was a windy day…
    When the swing stopped she ran holding her skirt and went on looking for her panties.
    So sad. The poor girl disappeared from school for days!

    • Dave Wallace says:

      Thanks so much Patty for taking the time to read my story, and I especially enjoyed hearing your account of a similar incident at an amusement park. I always tell folks if you want to write stories of more specifically humorous ones, all one needs to do is open your eyes and ears to life around you, and the story will find you! TY again, Dave Wallace

  9. ln says:

    Aw, snap!

  10. Bad-news Bear says:

    Umm… why is there a re-post of this?

  11. Amber says:

    Dave, I loved your story! I also find it heartwarming to know you’re continuing to write stories and memories for your family to cherish for many years to come.

    I had a “panty drop” happen to me once. I’m a nurse in an ER and our dress code is pretty basic… lose fitting scrubs and clogs. One night I was hurrying down a hallway carrying a child having a seizure and the further I got, the more evident it became that my scrub pants didn’t intend on completing the journey with me. I was taking a wider stance hoping they wouldn’t drop past my hips, but finally had to stop just outside the critical care area. Luckily, there was a very new (and young and handsome) tech coming to help. I was hurrying for obvious reasons, so I just said “Ali, if you could just grab the back of my scrub pants, don’t ask any questions, and just follow me, that would be extremely helpful.” I managed not to lose them, thank God for Ali, but I had some interesting questions to answer later!

  12. Jane in Fort Smith says:

    Dave, your wife apparently is in very good company! Many years ago I read an article in a women’s magazine about how the same thing happened to a very young Jacqueline Bouvier (not yet Kennedy, and certainly not yet Onassis) at a cocktail party! Thanks for the laugh, and blessings and peace to you in your valiant battle with Parkinson’s.

  13. Steve says:

    Reminds me of the time I did something similar. I wear a prosthetic leg and at night I take the leg off and lean it (still in the pants leg) against the bed for the morning.
    In the morning I don a fresh pair of underwear and put the leg on (sometimes wearing the same jeans/trousers from the day before).
    Once while walking in town I notice something wrapped around my ankle on my prosthetic leg and dragging behind me. Looking closer I notice its the underwear from the night before. I must have left in the jeans and it simply rolled down the leg. I fired them into my pocket and hoped I didn’t forget and then have someone ask for a handkerchief.

  14. Scout C says:

    Didn’t happen to me but to a friend. He and his sister belonged to a Hellenic dance group which performed traditional Greek dances at various festivals around the region. At one of the biggest fests, he realized he had forgotten the leggings needed to wear under the fustanella (the white kilt-type garment worn by certain military units) and so borrowed a pair of white tights from his sister, which were a little short on him but would work in a pinch. As the group moved across the stage, snaking along in a line dance with arms on each others’ shoulders, I could see my friend in the middle of the line with an odd look on his face. As the dance progressed, I realized what was going on. Slowly but surely, the crotch of the tights made an appearance at the hemline of the fustanella. Apparently, the elastic waistband of the tights had stretched out or snapped and the tights were inching their way downward — on stage in front of a couple of hundred people. Ho-pa!

  15. RNATX says:

    I read this story, had a good belly laugh and then forwarded it to all the other women in my family. Since we are women with a good sense of humor about ourselves I knew they would also enjoy it. I then decided to read the comments to see if people were sharing their own horror stories that were equally hilarious and instead saw a bunch of crap that ruined my day. Why do you people take the time to make a comment that proves you are an ugly person on the inside? Have none of you ever made a joke that fell flat in a crowd? I hope that next time you do the crowd takes a round robin approach to telling you what a failure at life you have turned out to be. I read the story and it was hilarious. It reminded me of a time that my grandmothers bra clasp broke at dinner and seemed to explode off of her. There was a brief moment of silence and then a roar of laughter. Thanks Dave, for brightening my day.

  16. Val C says:

    Oh, that is hilarious! My husband would have just said something along the lines of “Honey, you dropped your drawers again.”

  17. Carolyn says:

    TWICE, at MY OWN church, I had my half slip fall down around my ankles. Embarrassing!!! I don’t wear that slip anymore. (I think I stretched out the waistband when I was pregnant.)

  18. K says:

    Here’s making a short story long . . . .

  19. SK says:

    Wow, hysterical!! Really enjoyed the story!! Re-reading it :)

    • Dave Wallace says:

      Thanks everyone, You make my day, when you say something in the story connects with you..
      True life can be awkward, and usually is, but knowing that I have given someone a smile or a belly laugh always energizes me!

      Thanks again, Dave

    • Liz says:

      Loved this story…. thanks to you & your lovely wife for sharing it. It made me laugh, & I needed a laugh today! You inspired an old memory or 2 to occur.

      (a) one time a crew of friends & I all went camping together. We stopped at a store to get groceries on the way to our camping site. I was in charge of getting milk, bread & cheese. I was walking down the aisle, & left my cart in order to grab a loaf of bread. I walked back & grabbed my cart & a woman kindly told me that this was her cart. We both got a good laugh about it…we were getting the same products…easy mistake to make. We both laughed…
      until in the next aisle I did the exact same thing…to the same woman. I apologized & she laughed again…. but her laugh was a bit…er…tense. I’m sure she thought I was trying to make off with her stuff!

      (b) a friend’s younger sister was out very late one Sat pm…partying. She slipped into bed real late.. (or rather real early). SHe had plans to go out to eat on a Sunday brunch with her new boyfriend’s family at a formal Sunday brunch place. In the am, she overslept. And as she was out of time, she just picked up the last pm’s clothes that were at the foot of her bed & threw ‘em on… the same clothes she wore the pm before; with new underwear. She went out to the brunch place & was in line…& looked down…. there dangling around her right foot was yest’s underwear. She did the same thing you did & just reached down & grabbed ‘em quickly. I recall my friend saying that she did NOT make eye contact with the man in front or behind her. Mercifully, she discovered this prior to seeing the family.

      I thought the whole story was funny (still do for that matter) but didnt’ realize how very easily this can occur til I did almost the same thing. Thankfully I didn’t have anyone in line with me… I caught it before I got to work & was seeing folks….but it did happen!

  20. Glen says:

    No embellishments, huh?

  21. Cloudbuster says:

    This story is obviously Photoshopped!

    (Great story, Dave. I couldn’t stop laughing!)

  22. Andrea says:

    Hilarious! I laughed so hard I’m crying.

  23. Dave Wallace says:

    Thank you so much for those encouraging words, Heather and Elli! If I give someone a smile or a full belly laugh, that is a great day! To answer your questions,yes Heather, I am starting work on novel or a very long short story, depending on how you look at it ! And Elli, yes I would be honored to be your best friend!

    With warmest regards, Dave Wallace

  24. Elli says:

    Dear Dave,
    Will you be my new best friend? I need to hear stories like this at least once a week to make me laugh so hard I cry. Thank you!

  25. Heather says:

    This is one of the best written and funniest short stories I’ve read in my life. If you ever decide to write a book, I’ll be your first buyer!

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