The 15 Worst Stocking Stuffers From When You Were a Kid
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Sure, the real mother lode was located directly under the tree. But a load of something else was also awaiting you in an oversized knee-high strategically hung by the chimney with care.
1. Socks
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Additional hosiery stuffed into a much larger stocking. Mrs. Claus may have been a chubby chaser, but it was the jolly old elf who clearly had a foot fetish of Rex Ryan proportions.
2. Toothbrush
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We get it, Hermie the Elf — you wanted to be a dentist. Perhaps we should be grateful it was that over proctology.
3. Tylenol
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Look, I’m seven over here. Unless you’ve confused me for a young Drew Barrymore, my odds of overdoing it with that bowl of spiked eggnog had best be slim to none.
4. Slim Jim
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At no point while sitting on a creepy mall Santa’s lap would you ever dare ask for a meat stick.
5. Candy cane
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Suck on one of these long enough to form a point on the end of it, and you just knew a younger sibling would eventually end up getting stabbed.
6. School supplies
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Nothing says, “You were on the naughty list this year,” quite like a solar-powered calculator.
7. Cough drops
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For those kids whose parents considered tuberculosis to be public enemy #1 in regard to their anti-vaccination crusade.
8. Binaca
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I just ate a container of Play-Doh. Suffice it to say, fresh breath ain’t exactly at the top of my Christmas priority list.
9. Floss
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Again, Hermie — we got it.
10. Chapstick
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So, you’re saying it’s my cold sores keeping me from scoring under the mistletoe…
11. Batteries
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You know my Aunt Sarah’s just going to swipe these to power her Yankee swapped, vibrating snowballs.
12. Tic Tacs
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See Binaca, above.
13. Band-Aids
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These will come in handy once a drunk Uncle Frankie instigates yet another holiday fist fight upon referring to my mom as a “ho-ho-whore.”
14. Deodorant
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Let me get this straight — a morbidly obese, unshaven 2-thousand-year-old, wearing the exact same outfit for centuries, seated downwind from nine reindeer rear ends has the freakin’ audacity to make a judgement call in regard to MY personal hygiene?
15. Zit cream
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Save all of the popping for that overabundance of leftover bubble wrap — not your big sister’s blackheads.
