The 15 Worst Stocking Stuffers From When You Were a Kid

Sure, the real mother lode was located directly under the tree. But a load of something else was also awaiting you in an oversized knee-high strategically hung by the chimney with care.

1. Socks

Additional hosiery stuffed into a much larger stocking. Mrs. Claus may have been a chubby chaser, but it was the jolly old elf who clearly had a foot fetish of Rex Ryan proportions.

2. Toothbrush

We get it, Hermie the Elf — you wanted to be a dentist. Perhaps we should be grateful it was that over proctology.

3. Tylenol

Look, I’m seven over here. Unless you’ve confused me for a young Drew Barrymore, my odds of overdoing it with that bowl of spiked eggnog had best be slim to none.

4. Slim Jim

At no point while sitting on a creepy mall Santa’s lap would you ever dare ask for a meat stick.

5. Candy cane

Suck on one of these long enough to form a point on the end of it, and you just knew a younger sibling would eventually end up getting stabbed.

6. School supplies

Nothing says, “You were on the naughty list this year,” quite like a solar-powered calculator.

7. Cough drops

For those kids whose parents considered tuberculosis to be public enemy #1 in regard to their anti-vaccination crusade.

8. Binaca

I just ate a container of Play-Doh. Suffice it to say, fresh breath ain’t exactly at the top of my Christmas priority list.

9. Floss

Again, Hermie — we got it.

10. Chapstick

So, you’re saying it’s my cold sores keeping me from scoring under the mistletoe…

11. Batteries

You know my Aunt Sarah’s just going to swipe these to power her Yankee swapped, vibrating snowballs.

12. Tic Tacs

See Binaca, above.

13. Band-Aids

These will come in handy once a drunk Uncle Frankie instigates yet another holiday fist fight upon referring to my mom as a “ho-ho-whore.”

14. Deodorant

Let me get this straight — a morbidly obese, unshaven 2-thousand-year-old, wearing the exact same outfit for centuries, seated downwind from nine reindeer rear ends has the freakin’ audacity to make a judgement call in regard to MY personal hygiene?

15. Zit cream

Save all of the popping for that overabundance of leftover bubble wrap — not your big sister’s blackheads.

 

And with that, we wish each and every one of you a Happy Holiday season…from our awkward family, to yours!