The 15 Worst Stocking Stuffers From When You Were a Kid

Sure, the real mother lode was located directly under the tree. But a load of something else was also awaiting you in an oversized knee-high strategically hung by the chimney with care.

1. Socks

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Additional hosiery stuffed into a much larger stocking. Mrs. Claus may have been a chubby chaser, but it was the jolly old elf who clearly had a foot fetish of Rex Ryan proportions.

2. Toothbrush

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We get it, Hermie the Elf — you wanted to be a dentist. Perhaps we should be grateful it was that over proctology.

3. Tylenol

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Look, I’m seven over here. Unless you’ve confused me for a young Drew Barrymore, my odds of overdoing it with that bowl of spiked eggnog had best be slim to none.

4. Slim Jim

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At no point while sitting on a creepy mall Santa’s lap would you ever dare ask for a meat stick.

5. Candy cane

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Suck on one of these long enough to form a point on the end of it, and you just knew a younger sibling would eventually end up getting stabbed.

6. School supplies

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Nothing says, “You were on the naughty list this year,” quite like a solar-powered calculator.

7. Cough drops

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For those kids whose parents considered tuberculosis to be public enemy #1 in regard to their anti-vaccination crusade.

8. Binaca

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I just ate a container of Play-Doh. Suffice it to say, fresh breath ain’t exactly at the top of my Christmas priority list.

9. Floss

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Again, Hermie — we got it.

10. Chapstick

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So, you’re saying it’s my cold sores keeping me from scoring under the mistletoe…

11. Batteries

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You know my Aunt Sarah’s just going to swipe these to power her Yankee swapped, vibrating snowballs.

12. Tic Tacs

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See Binaca, above.

13. Band-Aids

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These will come in handy once a drunk Uncle Frankie instigates yet another holiday fist fight upon referring to my mom as a “ho-ho-whore.”

14. Deodorant

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Let me get this straight — a morbidly obese, unshaven 2-thousand-year-old, wearing the exact same outfit for centuries, seated downwind from nine reindeer rear ends has the freakin’ audacity to make a judgement call in regard to MY personal hygiene?

15. Zit cream

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Save all of the popping for that overabundance of leftover bubble wrap — not your big sister’s blackheads.

 

And with that, we wish each and every one of you a Happy Holiday season…from our awkward family, to yours!