31 Tweets About Life With Children That’ll Have Parents Asking, ‘Did I Write This?’
On the other, the trials and tribulations of raising children seem to be surprisingly standard. Not having kids of my own, I know from Twitter alone how much I’ve underestimated the lack of sleep parents face daily, as well as the abundance of cereal and laundry atop every surface.
Anyway, here are 31 parents who really, truly get it:
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 31, 2018
me: you got your sense of humor from me *dad laugh*
daughter: you probably should’ve kept some of it for yourself
me: *dad silence*
— preston whaleiams 🐳 (@PrestoVision) November 11, 2018
6yo: I need to fart
Me: No, we’re eating
6yo: Ok, I’ll just hold it in with my hand
6yo: It didn’t work
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 20, 2016
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 13, 2018
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
— Patsy Simon (@Simeogirl) November 11, 2018
[Making macaroni and cheese]
5yo: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you VERY carefully pour this in?
5yo: *Just fucking waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding*
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 13, 2018
8yo: Mom, will you put ketchup on my hotdog?
Me: You’re old enough to do it yourself.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 5, 2018
2am. Wake up to 3 standing next to my bed.
Me: oh my God what are you doing?
3: You said last night I could have chocolate.
3: But you didn’t give me my chocolate.
3: So now I want my chocolate.
Me: Any chance we’ll sleep tonight without the chocolate?
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 10, 2018
Just caught my 9yo forging my signature on a school paper. He’s going to be a blast as a teenager.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 24, 2018
Pumpkin patches, so you can pay $50 for kids activities like “here, pet this goat” and “chip your tooth in this overcrowded bouncy house.”
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) October 19, 2018
9: I have a math test today.
Me: Are you ready for it?
9: More like is it ready for me?
Me: Awesome! I bet you’ll get an A.
9: Probably not. I haven’t studied at all.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 15, 2018
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 11, 2018
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 22, 2018
TODDLER: *spitting out mouthful of grapes and scrambled eggs he’s been chewing for five minutes* MINE! Don’t eat it!
ME: We’re good.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 8, 2018
Me, at dinner: “Who wants another helping?”
7y.o, *whispers*: “None of this dinner is helping me.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 8, 2018
my son’s awfully confident for someone who’s thrice tried eating potpourri thinking it was a fancy snack
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 31, 2018
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) November 30, 2018
Me: “You guys treat me like I’m some waitress.”
Son, whispering to daughter: “Well, there goes her tip.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 26, 2018
Things drunk me has in common with my toddler:
– can’t drive
– doesn’t know what day it is
– refuses to put on pants
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 26, 2018
— 🎅🏽🎄Merry Marissa🎄❄️ (@natsmama75) November 6, 2018
So glad my kids have the day off tomorrow because I really miss hearing arguing between the hours of 8am to 3pm.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 12, 2018
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 6, 2018
3-year-old: *face covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
3: No. I just kissed it.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2018
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 28, 2018
me: i love you
son: i love popsicles
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 12, 2018
Tonight, my four year old called us into the room so we could all hold hands. Then he told us he was the leader.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 18, 2018
Baby: *tries to eat a piece of a leaf*
Me: “No no, don’t eat that.”
Baby: *Looks at me, looks at leaf, looks at me, looks back at leaf*
Me: “Don’t do it…”
Baby: *salivating at the fallen leaf like I do at a donut, then shoves entire leaf in mouth*
Me: *clocks out*
— 🎄🎅 Stay at Homies 🎅🎄 (@stayathomies) October 11, 2018
Me: how was your day?
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 30, 2018
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
— The Dad (@thedad) October 22, 2018
Me: (looking at daughter’s craft) you didn’t put my name down as one of the people you’ve thankful for.
6: I, um, ran out of room.
Me: oh. That’s cool.
6: I wanted to write Netflix. And you’d have been right after that.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) October 4, 2018
Friend: For an hour of free babysitting, would you-
Friend: I haven’t explained wh-
Me: [pulls out of the garage]
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 30, 2018