Dad With Four Daughters Takes Twitter By Storm
Being a parent is a tough job, but it helps to keep a sense of humor. That’s where James Breakwell comes in. The comedy writer and father of four is the author of the @XplodingUnicorns account. There, Breakwell chronicles the day-to-day difficulties of being a husband and father, often in the form of conversations he has with them. It’s pretty obvious right away that the wife and kids are just as funny as he is, but in the end, we all win.
1. The human napkin.
Being a dad means always being a shoulder to cry on.
And wipe your nose on.
And spit up on.
I’m basically just a human napkin.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2016
2. Lost cause.
6-year-old: Why do you take a long time in the bathroom?
Wife: To look pretty
6: Why doesn’t Dad take a long time?
Wife: There’s no hope.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 10, 2017
3. Economics 101.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
4. Who does?
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
5. Girls do mature faster than boys.
3-year-old daughter: A boy at daycare said he likes me.
Me: Do you like him back?
3: He colors outside the lines. He needs to grow up.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2016
6. Dad can relax. For now.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He’s not. He’s saving her life.
5: I’d rather die.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
7. Butt warmer.
Me: You put your coat on upside down.
3-year-old: No, I didn’t.
Me: Your hood is on the bottom.
3: My butt gets cold.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2016
8. Breaking Bad Jr.
My daughters are running around the house talking about fairy dust.
I’m either raising girly girls or drug lords.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2016
9. Tooth fairy scam.
Me: You forgot to brush your teeth. They’re going to fall out.
5-year-old: That’s the point.
That tooth fairy story backfired.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2016
10. The Tooth Fairy is a little light right now…
5-year-old: The tooth fairy didn’t come last night!
Me: Oh. She left your quarters with me.
[checks wallet]
Me: She left them at the bank
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2016
11. The burden of rule.
5-year-old: I wish I was a princess.
Me: You’re my princess, and this is our realm.
5: *looks around our house* This kingdom sucks.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2016
12. TMI
5-year-old: You don’t have many friends to play with.
Me: I guess not.
5: I told my teacher you always play with yourself.
Thanks, kid.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2016
13. The paleontologist
[daughters sword fighting using plastic dinosaurs]
Wife: Do something.
Me: *takes away brachiosaurus* Pick one with horns. Rookie mistake.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2016
14. The birds and the regrets.
5-year-old: Where do babies come from?
Me: When two people love each other very much, they make a mutual decision to ruin their lives.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2016
15. Close enough.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2013
16. Small victory.
Me: How was daycare?
3-year-old: I didn’t punch anyone today.
Me:
3:
Me: *buys her ice cream*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2016
17. Do me a solid, Lord.
[getting back from church]
Me: I don’t see what I did wrong.
Wife: You took change from the collection plate!
Me: GOD CAN BREAK A 20!
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
18. Switcheroo.
Wife: Where’s the baby?
Me: I’m holding her.
Wife: That’s a six-pack of beer.
Me: *sprints for the fridge*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 31, 2016
19. Five minute rule.
Toddler: *spills an entire bowl of popcorn and then eats it off the floor*
5-year-old: Stop it!
Me: Let her go. I don’t want to vacuum.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
20. Theology
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
21. Growing pains.
Me: Getting dressed every day is part of growing up.
3-year-old: Growing up is stupid.
Me:
3:
Me: I have no counterargument.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2016
22. Cheeto coma.
No DNA test needed.
I’m sure she’s mine. pic.twitter.com/C1FntjdRUE
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015
23. Father of the year.
Random person on the Internet: You’re such a great dad!
Me: *continues ignoring my kids to waste time on Twitter*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2016
24. Together everyone achieves more.
I thought there was nothing worse than when my kids fought.
Then they started working together.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 10, 2016
25. Dad burn.
Me: *hugs the baby* Now that I have kids, I finally know how you feel, Dad
Dad: Constantly disappointed?
Me: What?
Dad: I said I love you
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 6, 2016
26. Who needs real emotions when you’ve got emojis?
Facebook now has 6 emojis I can respond with:
Like, love, haha, wow, sad, and angry.
That’s 5 more emotions than I use in real life
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2016
27. She’ll get that one when she’s older.
Me: As your first child, I’m your heir, right?
My dad: You mispronounced error.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2016
28. What women want.
What to do if a woman says…
I’m upset: Console her.
I’m mad: Buy her chocolate.
I’m furious: Buy her wine.
I’m fine: Flee the country.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 4, 2016
