OMG You Guys, We Found You A New House
Are you looking for a new home? Maybe not. Maybe you aren’t even thinking about moving to Highland Park, Michigan. But if that’s the case then you’re a fool because we just found you the perfect house.
We welcome you to 450 W Grixdale, your new $550,000 home that needs exactly $0 of updates because it is delightful and insane and we will shame the person who changes anything about it.
Come, let’s take a tour:
“Unique barely begins to describe this one of a kind Grixdale Farms estate,” is the promising start of the property’s ad on Estately.com. The home, which is referred to as “Lion Gate Estate,” despite the fact that while we do see a gate we only see three lions, “has been articulated with painstaking attention to detail and mind-blowing decorative flair.”
“Mind-blowing decorative flair?” Sounds like someone’s “eccentric” Aunt has become a house. Do go on.
As you can see, this 3 bedroom, 2.25 bath home packs a lot into its 1,886 square feet.
The living room, for example, is perfect for those of you who like to come home, take off your shoes, and touch nothing. “But wait,” you say, “it won’t be that bad once I put my own stamp on it.” Slow down, Bob Villa. Because this home is being sold with all of it’s contents. All of them.
So let’s see what else you’ll be getting.
How about this formal dining room, complete with these two fellas (the one on the left is named “Eh” and the one on the right is “WhaddyaGonnaDo”) and some three-dimensional fighting cherubs.
Or we can go to the kitchen and pretend we’re at a garden party while we rifle through the photographer’s backpack for snacks.
Need to use the restroom? How about this floral retreat! Simply remove the glass dragonfly from the toilet lid and put it on the…well, maybe there’s room on the…you know what, just hold it under your arm. And, of course, we ask that you contain your business to the carpet tarp.
Do your eyes deceive you, or is there carpeting on that ceiling? Heck yeah, there is. Up is down and black is white here in the Upside Down. Enjoy vacuuming, buddy.
Ah, now we come to the master bedroom. You’ll relax and rejuvenate on your velvet-covered refrigerator box while the thoughtfully arranged armless bust watches you sleep and the statues at the bottom of the bed protect you from those who wish you harm. Like that bear. Or that weird chicken.
This second bedroom also has Silent Sleep Watchers and Darkness Guardians.
If you looked at this picture, assumed at first that there was a chair hanging from the wall, and felt only mild surprise, then you’re starting to get the gist of this house. We’re not sure why you need this much mirror in such a small space, but if you’re someone who doesn’t trust yourself and needs yourself to always keep an eye on yourself, then this is the perfect house for you.
Everyone loves an inviting entryway that provides you with front, back, and aerial views of yourself (you’re not getting away with a goddamn thing, Self.) Our eyes are also drawn to the open door that appears to be paneled with some kind of dark fabric which is totally not creepy and needs to be investigated immediately.
Hey, anybody else watch The Sinner on AMC starring Jessica Biel where she keeps having flashbacks to these basement stairs that led to a weird sibling sex and drug orgy that ended up with a cracked sternum and a buried body?
Well, at least this staircase comes with ways to defend yourself. For example, you can poke out an eye with a blue crane. Or break a bunch of glass and pull a Die Hard. Or snatch some art off the wall and bash it over someone’s head. We’re just saying that there should be some kind of plan in place before you go down these stairs.
But wait, what’s this?! You go downstairs and what you find is an Elvis cafe? Excuse me, your Elvis cafe. Why an Elvis cafe? Because really, at this point, why the hell not. Grab a table, pour yourself a beer, and look at the cardboard man for a spell. Enjoy yourself. There are no mirrors, here.
Now we’ll exit the main house and check out the trash veranda. It’s perfect for sitting on a loveseat and staring at a sun-drenched brick wall. It’s also useful for herding and vaccinating cattle.
Did we forget to mention that you get not one but two cars with this joint? What the hell is happening with this house?
You will also immediately find yourself neck-deep into a new hobby. If you don’t already love making small wooden cars, you’re going to learn to in a jiffy.
Onto the backyard, where — oh, look. Statues.
And a pool, which you should definitely search for statues.
We wouldn’t change a thing about this statue-filled shrine to Elvis and small wooden cars, and that’s a good thing because the ad makes clear that “[the] property sold AS IS, BATVAI.” BATVAI, by the way, means “buyer’s agent to verify all information.” So basically “AS IS, BATVAI” means “F*** IT AND F*** YOU, I’M OUT” in real estate lingo.
The ad for this prime piece of real estate ends with one final, mysterious caveat: “Only shown on sunny days.” Why? Because that’s when the vampires sleep? Because that’s when you can best appreciate all the mirrors? Because no one gets out when they visit in the dark? We don’t know, but we love it all.
h/t: Messy Nessy