These New Jeans Will Send You To Chub Rub Hell
Fast fashion brands, in their quest to provide the endlessly atavistic, consumer-driven public with cheap clothes several thousand degrees removed from their original designer iterations, are by their nature absolved of all crimes.
They rip off small labels and big designers and we forgive them. They use slave labor and we forgive them. They slap anti-semitic, racist, and body-shaming designs on their t-shirts and we forgive them. Because cheap clothes!
But some transgressions are unforgivable. I’m talking about a crime against fashion that doubles as an atrocity to the female form. I’m talking about “Rivington festival high waisted jeggings with suspender detail,” currently on sale at ASOS.
Initially called out by ASOS fashion crime Instagram watchdog asbos_sos, the pant raises several questions; namely, who in their right mind would wear black jeans to a festival in the summertime, with holes cutout in the exact — the exact — location predisposed to the awfully painful and embarrassing heat-related affliction known as chub rub?
It’s a literal torture device, and ASOS is asking you to pay $22.96 for it (before shipping!)
Our inner thighs are weeping (sweating) just from looking at this picture.
Of course if you are a lean, hairless, size 2 unicorn seeking a unique set of upper-thigh tan lines, these pants are right up your alley! I’d also recommend their sister pant, a garment ASOS calls the “Ridley festival high waist skinny jeans with suspender detail” that features — you guess it! — a suspender detail, to add a little bit of hot metal to your claustrophobic, caged thighs. Extra discomfort means extra bucks, though! These puppies are full price, at £35.00 (~$45 USD).
But in all seriousness, if you think these pants are swag, you do you! Just make sure to bring your anti-chafe stick and some (talc-free!) baby powder to slather your thighs with when nobody is watching. Fashion over function, always.