This May Be The Least Helpful Baby Name Book Ever

For parents-to-be, choosing the name of the baby can be one of the biggest decisions they face. It’s going to affect your child for the rest of their life! Some parents we know have spreadsheets with hundreds of name options. They spend hours each night researching and considering each one–seriously, that’s not an exaggeration.

It’s no coincidence that picking a baby’s name has led to a cottage industry of baby name books and websites. Some of them are helpful. Others are…like this gem from our friends at Awful Library Books. Sure, other books might settle for organizing names with categories like “boys” and “girls,” but this one goes way, way, WAY beyond that, into categories you never thought you needed.

1. Apparently to be unforgettable you have to have a rock star name, or “Schmoopie.”

2. First, what do you have against teachers, and second, you put SETH on this list?!

3. Literary names absent from this list: “Twain”, “Foxworthy”, and “Semicolon.”

4. That’s right! If you name your son “Henry,” everyone’s immediately going to think “serial killer.”

5. You definitely don’t want to go with “Marmaduke,” ’cause you son will grow up to attack the mailman and rip up your furniture with his teeth. Oh wait, that’s a dog.

6. The mafia actually has their own baby names book, so we can’t make fun of her for this list.