15 Signs Your Parents Were Really Cheap
Mom and Dad did their best with what they had (at the expense of your street cred and dignity). And while it eventually put them on Easy Street, you laughed last by forcing them to spend it on a 2nd-rate nursing home.
1. Your closet full of irregular clothing.
Your friends were outfitted at Chess King. Your wardrobe came from Marshall’s. Whether the “i” in Adidas was spelled with two “e’s,” or your jeans had a hood for some reason, at least they weren’t the hand-me-downs your little brother endured.
2. Your collection of knockoff toys.
Why have a Big Wheel when you can get a Super Cycle? Who needs G.I. Joe when you can play with Sargent Mike? And why own a Slinky in a world where Plastic Rainbow Springs exist?
3. You ate at ghetto fast food joints.
Other kids enjoyed Happy Meals at McDonald’s. But that only meant they missed out on Burger Chef’s Fun Meal mania.
4. Dad forced you to lie about your age so he could get the kiddie discount.
You drove the family to Disneyland? Well, step out of that car, and walk up to the ticket window to tell the classmate selling you your fast pass that you are in fact 12.
5. The first update of your school uniform wasn’t purchased through school.
Mom initially had to acquire those threads via “The Man.” But from there, she bought it for 1/5th the price at Sears, while teacher was none the wiser thanks to the old labels being re-sewn onto your brand-new Dickies.
6. You had no idea condiments were available in bottles.
Dad’s pockets did more than smuggle Kraft Singles into Burger Chef to avoid that 5-cent hamburger upcharge. They also snuck dozens of ketchup packets right the hell back out of there.
7. Paying to park was forbidden.
Presented with storing it in a $4 garage, or running the risk of the toddler version of you dropping dead on a 6-mile walk, long story short, that obituary has already been written.
8. Brand name cereal was off limits.
You never had the chance to be cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. You were confounded by Choco Crunchies.
9. Nikes? Please. Your “shoelaces” were of the Velcro variety.
Today’s bowl of generic Rice Krispies wasn’t the only thing that snapped, crackled and popped.
10. New sporting equipment was for extravagant suckers.
“Mom, I think the name of the kid who owned this before me is written on the inside of my athletic supporter.”
11. Birthdays weren’t celebrated with ice cream cake. “You’ll eat your freaking Entenmann’s, and like it.”
You only heard the phrase “Fudgie the Whale” when Mom sent you to school sporting a pair of mocha-toned Husky pants.
12. Your friends saw “The Empire Strikes Back” at the theater. You had to wait to rent it with your library card.
Never mind your pathetic attempt at using a Jedi mind trick in the hopes of avoiding that late fee.
13. Every motel on your family vacations offered an “hourly rate.”
As did the parking lot hookers.
14. You were smuggled into drive-in movies in the trunk of your dad’s car.
“We’re not going to the concession stand. Eat the Jiffy Pop your mom burned.”
15. Your family didn’t get cable until 8-years after everyone else.
“I had no ability to watch the scrambled Spice Channel until after I turned 17.”