The Thanksgiving Letter
November 26th, 2009
From: Marney
As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.
Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.
All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.
HJB—Dinner wine
The Mike Byron Family
1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.
The Bob Byron Family
1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).
The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family
1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).
The Michelle Bobble Family
1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife
The June Davis Family
1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay
The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)
1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.
Looking forward to the 28th!!
Marney
(kindly submitted by Kara at http://californiakara.blogspot.com)
I have a quick question….does the bottled water need to be brought cold or at room temperature? I wouldn’t want to do it wrong….
Don’t forget the napkins – folding directions: From left to right (seam on outside) then tuck bottom up into the northwest east corner 1/4 inch (any more and it isn’t symetrical; any less and it won’t hold) For accurate measurements I use a laser level. Remember napkins must be ecru, not beige, not cream, not tan. Remember the disaster last year when someone (we won’t mention any names-Tessa) brought what she claimed were off-white – PULEEZE!
LOL! That was great!
That’s the best comment Ive ever read
D.Ann, you are officially invited to my house this Thanksgiving. Please bring the napkins. You know how to do that.
D.Ann ~ You now owe me one Diet Coke (ice cold) and one flat screen monitor. Now, for the instructions …. blah blah blah
That was not only hilarious, but purely awesome.
First time on this site… D.Ann brilliant comment to a hilarious story! I wonder if anybody showed up to that dinner, I sure as hell wouldn’t. Marney needs professional help!
get a life Martha Stewart wanna- be
I think the person sending the email to the perspective guests should think about next year having her meal at the local shelter, then and only then would she appreciate her friends and family and what a gift it is to be together in a warm and loving home… she needs to get a grip on what Thanksgiving is about… God help the people that did as she requested!
Calm down.
Seriously, lighten up RENE
RENE, could i have your address, please? i want to make sure that YOU are invited for thanksgiving at her place next year… now, here’s what you need to bring: a sense of humor, not too dry…
god help the ones that didn’t.
Go to the Local Shelter next year and see how they do it, maybe she will appreciate the fact that she has friends and family to celebrate with in a warm home!
Somehow I suspect Marney would NOT appreciate the fact that she hs friends and family to celebrate with in a warm home.
She may, in fact, go on a rampage of control freakiness on the volunteers for using tin foil… or on the poor people for not putting their forks on the left side of the plate. Then she can go back and be thankful for her submissive underlings.
Marnie lives in Narnia in a great big cold castle and rides in a sleigh with her big white fur coat…
Why ask for turnips if nobody likes them? Does the Mike Byron family live in a turnip vacuum, inaccessible to the wonders of a varied diet? Ask them to bring green bean casserole or carrots or ANY OTHER VEGETABLE!
My only hope is that Marney wrote this e-mail ironically, and that everyone normally shows up with chicken wings, pizza, chocolate cake, and malt liquor, and they all sit around laughing about Marney’s latest joke.
“Does the Mike Byron family live in a turnip vacuum…”
I am rolling! hahahahaha Love it!
dont forget the mock-apple pie. that will send Marnie over the edge for sure!!!
Oh, I would SO love someone to send me instructions like this. i would SO not come! It would really make my day!
I would deliberately screw up my items just so I could watch her make anally retentive faces at me from across the table, all while trying to pretend I didn’t even show up. Perhaps I could get several sighs and a tsk-ing sound periodically too. That would be very fun.
Speaking as someone who has organized large potlucks/family dinners where I seem to be the only one who brought actual food (i.e. not chips, 2 liter bottles of pop, five day old vegetable trays, more chips, etc.), thought about the quantity of people that needed to be fed, and used every single piece of serving gear I own (which I was always left to clean), I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she finally figured she had to spell it out for everyone.
No Ginger,
This isn’t just about her organizing things so there is enough food, etc.
This is her being a control freak and having a sense of superiority. I can’t believe anyone even goes.
My grandma used to organize Thankgsiving for our entire extended family. We would have over 50 people in the house.
There were never instructions like this handed out. Yet, there was never a problem with lack of food, lack of variety, lack of drinks, or problems with dishes/utensils.
You can organize large gatherings without being like Marney.
i would love to spend a day at Marnie’s house tilting the paintings slightly so that they all hang a bit askew…
Alisoton – that’s my kind of fun!!
You got it, Ginger … I have 5 adult children and have to issue directions to grown men & women to bring real food to help feed their siblings and children! Now, I’d like to know how Marney addresses table manners, children not pawing into food, and clean up. I could use the tips
Kassie, one of my brothers (who shall remain nameless – Chris!) reminds his kids of the proper table manners – ONCE. If he catches them breaking the rules, he stabs (pokes, actually) them in the arm with his fork. After the second time, they’re on their best behaviour!
While Marney is excessive , I have to say after years, of planning, purchasing cooking, cleaning just about everday holiday meal for about 30 guest w/ kids. I had to email and call about specifics as well. Do not bring gallons of water, bring bottles. Please bring prepared food, in a dispoable containers or your own bowl. If your dish needs a serving fork or spoon , please bring that as well. My sister who is in charge of drinks among a few other small things usually bring 2 liter sodas because it’s cheaper. (I pay for 90% of every dinner including the drinks for every holiday. No less then 2-300 dollars for every holiday), so spring for the darn bottles or cans . The kids run around w/ 18 diffirent cups of soda and spilling them on rugs and furniture so I did tell her juice boxes or bottels of water . I also have 2 or 3 guest that every year bring the ingredients and make the food in my kitchen because of “lack of time” Come on. I have been shopping, cooking and cleaning for the last 48 hours at that point. Find the darn time to toss a salad. They have baked a cakes, brought and made string bean casserol, made a salads, snacks, chopped veggies, you name it, once the have come to my home. It was rude and annoying. Not only did I have to make room for the food in an over loaded oven, they used up all my bowls, spoons, knives, used the cuisnart for cutting variuos veggies, made a mess of the kitchen etc. They would also wipe me out of containers when taking the left overs . Marney is over the top but I have to say, I kinda know where she is coming from on some level. Sometimes when your family becomes so used to you do everything, they take advantage and unwittingly become a pain in the A%%
Then why be the host?Sounds like you’re just not cut out for it. I love to host parties and I cook and clean for 50+ people at least twice a year and numerous small parties. I’ve never asked anyone to bring any food to my house in my life, never mind demand how they bring it. When people do bring things, I appreciate, not complain about what they brought. Get your own serving spoons. You should check out the 99% of the posts all over the internet regarding this letter and realize you have a control problem too if you agree with this crazy woman.
Ego much? LOL That’s such a proud and haughty response to someone that’s looking for some appreciation for years of service–believe me, there are many moms “cut out” for the job that are unjustly taken advantage of because they’re the “mom” in the family. They may have the largest home for gatherings (everyone shows up at “mom’s”), and are typically always expected to do and provide everything, before, during and after, while the men do little to NOTHING and other extended family just show up and then make snide remarks about the lack of organization, and how they have to “take over” by helping put dishes on the table, when the mom is working to her bones since days before. You would think you’d be able to relate, having so much in common, rather than mock this woman. Sounds like you love to talk about yourself thoughout your parties, too! Oh, gee, how interesting!
Karen you are the best. You nailed it. I have the largest home, I have the most land, the kids like my food better. You name it and I have heard it. I took over for my mom even before she passed away and I can tell you I LOVE it and I love my family but I dread too. I work 50 hours a week as well. So my Christmases , Thanksgiving, Easters, 4 of July picnics, graduations, Going away, Welcome back, Retiring, Funeral rececptions , wedding Showers, baby showers, rehersals dinners, bday parties are all done here . So I think I can CUT it Sarah or esle I can safely asume i would not be asked to host these events. It does consume just about every day I have off during during those occasions and can be stressful . But since my family continues asked me to do, I do it. I think its ok it ask for help.
I do agree to some extent – if I don’t tell my brother exactly what to bring and in what quantities, god knows what he’ll show up with. If I say “this is what I’m making (insert items here) so if you could bring a side dish that would be cool.” my brother will make only enough of a side dish to feed him, his 80 pound wife and child, with no regards to the other 6 of us who will be there. Of course, often when I tell him to bring dinner rolls he either brings them frozen or decides to bring napkins instead without telling anyone, I can understand why Marny might get super pissed off over time if her family is like my brother. lol
Wow, this woman is something else. Seriously, I don’t think even Martha Stewart would be this b*tchy about the meal.
Marney is priceless, and Marney has, apparently no ‘filtering’ skills.
I would’ve loved to have gotten this!
Of couse, we do t-day buffet stlye with football on the living room.
Judging by previous holidays, Marney might get hurt at a family gathering of mine.
Dear Marney -
I’ll make sure to bring 4 bottles of vodka, along with a few Xanex to pop into your drink.
love it, love it, love it… of course beings as how it’s Thanksgiving, it MUST be grey goose… and make sure NOT to forget the FULL bottle of xanax p-l-e-a-s-e for I think we’re all gonna need it.
I think Marney’s drinking all the chardonnay she orders everyone else to bring while she allows them one Coors Light apiece.
So far CarrieM , this is the first comment to actually make me lol
That is so hilarious! I like when she tells Lisa that since she is married now, she has to bring some veggies and dip- but not the supermarket platter- and that the June Davis family better not try bringing their crappy blue serving dish again. Man, I wish I was in her family- I’d organize a revolution, and have everybody bring pizza and hoho’s! Her Thanksgiving has got to be the most dreaded day of the year for her family. Somebody has got to track them down!
I just wouldn’t go. end of story.
Oh I’d go. I would just do something totally opposite, like bring my crappy blue dish or some off brand ice cream. Or maybe bring something entirely different from what she dictated. Oh yes.
Cracked tupperware, deviled eggs made waaaaaay ahead of time, turkey jerky and melting popsicles, here we come!
“I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.”
~If they actually did offer at one point you know they are kicking themselves now!
LOL! Indeed
“I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.”
Moral or the story….NEVER offer any help to Marney.
Dearest Marnie, thank you for your email. I have read that we are to bring 15 pounds of mashed potatoes but you didn’t specify what KIND of potatoes to use, Idaho, russet, red potatoes? I certainly don’t want to use the wrong kind, but don’t worry because after much consideration, I now have decided that I simply do not feel like peeling 15 pounds of potatoes. I’d rather not bring a bottle of clos du bois either. Instead, I am bringing a bottle of Clamato and 3 large cans of Juicy Juice. Also, I’ve pre-ordered 3 extra large pizzas from Little Cesars to be delivered to your address approximately around 5:30pm on Thanksgiving. If I’m not there when they arrive, just pay the man and give him a generous tip. Put the pizzas in their boxes and put them into your oven to keep warm until everybody else arrives. I trust you have a pizza cutter, if not, I’ll get one at Dollar general tomorrow.
Love,
June Davis and family.
Love it!
Now when you read this AFP letter, sit up straight, make sure to be facing southeast, do not chew gum, smile and laugh when necessary but no more, comment if you please but keep comments to a 40-word minimum (I WILL be counting!).
Now, wasn’t that fun?
Dude, you rock.
hahahaha! I love it!
This reminds me of Sally ordering in When Harry Met Sally.
Marney is my FAVORITE! I want to be invited to this Thanksgiving dinner just to have the privilege of meeting her.
Dear Marney –
We’ve all come down with the flu and won’t be able to attend dinner this year. We won’t be sending our required dishes so you’ll have to have someone else do our part. Hope to see you at Christmas.
Well, we have a pot luck dinner every month rotating homes. If you don’t get very specific, you end up with everyone bringing chips and salsa. So, each couple is assigned to bring a catagory, and there is always one couple who will not bring any thing else but jello, so we had to put all the catagories in a hat, and have a drawing so that the catagories rotate, and not just one couple gets to bring jello. If you act like a 5 year old, then big Momma has to step in and supervise. sad but true. Marney is rude, there are nice ways to get cooperation, I would not attend her meal, too much pressure, let her eat cake!!!
Dear Marnie,
I see from your email that you have not ceased to be a control freak as I instructed you to do last Thanksgiving when we had our little discussion about what was the appropriate sidedish, beans or asparagus. (You know I was right.) Therefore, you may NOT attend my fabulous Hannukah party, which will feature delicious low-fat baked latkes with no-sugar-added applesauce, along with sugar-free chocolates for the children and genuine a
Dear Marnie,
I see from your email that you have not stopped being a control freak, as I instructed you to do last Thanksgiving when we had our little discussion about which was the superior sidedish, green beans or asparagus. (You know I was right.) Therefore I have decided to uninvite you to my fabulous Hannukah party, which will be more perfect than yours.
Sincerely, Bubbe
Dear Bubbe,
I have scratched your name off the A-list and put you on the C-list… C if you ever get invited to another one of my anally prepared parties…
Love and Kisses,
Marnie
She forgot the PS…. each and every family raid your medicine cabinets for sedatives and mood altering drugs, there will be plenty of chardonnay for me to wash them down with. Love & Control, Marney
I’m going to show up uninvited with a big blue plastic bowl full of beans and cocktail sauce, covered in foil.
Don’t forget the soup spoon with which to dish it.
All I can say it what a BITCH! I would never eat at her house.
Marion, i dont think you need to WORRY about being invited to her house…
I know someone like Marney. It scares me there is more than one of them. Lucky she doesn’t have me in the family. I would lead a revolt and take (gasp) frozen mashed potatoes and a Mrs. Smith pumpkin pie.
Oh and my friend, the Marney wanna-be…she uses turtle wax on her garden hose to keep it shiny. Seriously.
is that water turtle, box turtle, or wood turtle wax?
Pleeease send pictures.
What size casserole is “regulation” size?
I loved the regulation size casserole line- I can not imagine what the over sized blue serving dish must have looked like if it was too big for 15lbs of spuds!
Nancy, you dont KNOW what “regulation” casserole size is??? oh, this is rich—i cant wait to tell Marnie… hey, Marnie!!! guess what Nancy doesnt know???
NOW, i truly have something to be thankful for at Thanksgiving this year—i’m NOT on Marney’s guest list! THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!
why would she want turnips if most of them hate them…..
I am wondering if anyone ‘Gave thanks’ for her…
Sir Yes SIR!!!
I think a box of wine would have been completely appropriate…
Yes Lady! When it isn’t finished, you just put the top back on and save it for Christmas.
I work at a church and our preacher is retiring. I come in today to see a list very much like this one on my desk with 80 people to call and pass on the info for the retirement party.
On the top was this note:
“Kasa: I’ve emailed everyone these instructions. I want you to call them and make sure that they all got it, and to have them read their directions back to you. If you get an answering machine, keep calling back until you get an answer. Leave me a list of people who didn’t answer or you think aren’t going to follow their instructions and I will have words with them.”
I’m pretty sure that Marney goes to this church.
Everyone at this dinner should give thanks that they are celebrating Thanksgiving with a perfectionist. Then use her as a perfect example of what not to become when they are in therapy!
The comments were as enjoyable as the post. There are some great funny bone tickling people out there. Thanks for the laugh.
BTW – regulation size casserole dish is 9X13.
Um, she forgot the industrial sized spoon, not a soup spoon or ladle, to CRAM THIS LIST OF INSTRUCTIONS WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE.
who does this person think they are? they are soooo lazy to just not do it themselves i would be surprised if anyone came to their thanksgiving dinner! wow seriously this is the biggest couch potatoe ive ever seen and ive seen a heck of a lot of couch potatoes! craaaazzzzzzyyyyyyy pppppeeeeerrrrrssssooooonnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant beleive i just spent my time reading that! what a beeotch!
Did she make/contribute anything herself??
God. what a control freak! There are thousands of other ways to have a nicely prepared and not have such instructions. I know this from experience so Martha Stewart suck it up and take another pill.
I would go and I would bring what I was told to bring and sit where Marney told me to sit. I’d have to pop to the toilet several times of course to hide, rock back and forth and cry with laughter.
I’d love to be there to watch the silent exchanges between the guests.
Thanksgiving at Marney’s sounds like an occasion not to be missed.
This is my cousin’s Aunt-in-Law Marnie from Bangor, Maine. He says his favorite story is from when her children were small and taking a family pic together (w/ green shirts, white pants… ewww!). She instructed them all to smile with 3/4 of their teeth showing. The kids tried their darnedist but ended up looking like a bunch of pre-serial killers with their eyes so bulged from concentrating.
This lady should have some psychogical label named after her
What no ones instructed to bring cranberry’s, a turkey, ham, brussel sprouts, or anything other than 15lbs of potatoes and a ton of casseroles? What type of Thanksgiving dinner is this?
Dear Marnie,
Thanks for telling me about my terrible turnips. In fact I did not know that most of you hate them. To be honest I’m a little red in the face knowing that the dish I have carefully prepared with love for the last several years is such a burden to your delicate palate. I’ll be sure to make a regulation size batch this year, as to avoid leftovers. Sure glad you let me know.
Now let’s talk about your turkey – aside from being dry and bland, last year you served it at 162.5 degrees when everyone knows it needs to cook to AT LEAST 165 degrees. (I made Mike and the kids purge on the way home – I can’t have them getting worms, right?) You would do well to set a timer this year to avoid repeating the unpleasant incident. I mean, 162.5 degrees, how embarassing!?
You are such a sweetheart to put all this together! Can’t wait to sit around the table to watch you badger your husband and children into submission. I sure am thankful not to be in your immediate family!
Hugs!!!
Nancy
caaaarazy
Is this going in the book?!
Hey guys – just an update…no word on this year’s letter yet.
I wonder if she knows she’s e-famous?
Boo.
Thanks, Kara!
We’ll keep checking…
CAN’T. WAIT.
!
Kara- So what happened last year? Did everyone show up and bring their assigned dishes to specification? If not, what was the reaction?
Kara – Were you an attendee at this dinner by any chance? Love to know how it went!
I’ve been waiting for months to see if an update was forthcoming. Be sure to get the new one before letting Marney know she is internationally infamous on this website. You’ll never be asked to bring anything again. You may never see her again.
Was this a real letter to begin with? It just reads too much like a spoof or a rant. Did it actually go out to family members?
And what IS a regulation casserole size?
I’m dying to know Kara, was there a letter this year or did someone tranq dear Marney?
And that would be a bad thing???
For us it would!
If it’s a non-regulation size, you can’t use it for competitions, like the casserole olympics!
According to the blog that initially posted it, was a real email, and was submitted by one of Marney’s coworkers (one of the blogger’s friends). Though, obviously, the names have been changed. No idea what a regulation casserole size is…
thank you..that clears up everything…lol
LMAO. hotdish competitions??
LOL paul!
Cassarole olympics! I cannot stop laughing at that. Yeah, this woman would be beaten to death at our thanksgiving dinner… and we are mostly non violent people. Scary bitchy woman!
That would be hilarious to know she found out this crap was on the internet!! She’d probably have a coronary…which would prob. suit everyone just fine!
If they have the internet in the nut-house, maybe! God, I sure hope so…can you imagine the fit she’d throw? Now, THAT would be some amazing TV!
Ah hahahaha she definitely needs a sedative or two. I think Lisa should host next year’s. After all, she is a married woman now.
Touche’!