From: Marney
As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.
Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.
All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.
HJB—Dinner wine
The Mike Byron Family
1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.
The Bob Byron Family
1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).
The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family
1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).
The Michelle Bobble Family
1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife
The June Davis Family
1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay
The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)
1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.
Looking forward to the 28th!!
Marney
(kindly submitted by Kara at http://californiakara.blogspot.com)
Hot Tub Time Machine the Movie
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They made this into a digital short. Sorry if I’m reposting this, tried to get through all the comments, there’s just too many!
can you please post a link?
Yes yes…would love to see this as a digital short!!
http://californiakara.blogspot.com/2009/11/thanksgiving-letter-made-into-digital.html
Can you imagine the poor shlub married to this hag? She must be a hoot the other 364 days of the year…
This gives me anxiety. Please tell me this can’t be real.
I think we all feel that way. When reading this, I had a sudden urge to throw myself into the East River.
Wouldn’t you just want to do nothing or exactly the opposite just to see what happened???
YES!!!!!!
This is why Jewish people go out for Chinese on Christmas!
This is for Thanksgiving, not Christmas. Graham. LOL
win!
shhh… noone tell Marney, but it’s actually a casserole DISH.
omg that was bothering me the whole time too!!!!!
Sorry to be a pain, but it actually is called a casserole.
It’s French for pan.
Marney may be crazy but you can’t say she isn’t efficient!
I bet no-one else is “looking forward to the 28th!”
Oh, yes. I’d bring a bucket full of beans & cocktail sauce, with foil for a lid and a lemon zester instead of a serving spoon just to see Marney’s head esplode.
ROFL @ ‘lemon zester’! I don’t know why but I think that is the one item that would cause Marney to go upstairs and get a hunting rifle!
I’ll go with you, but let’s take two cars, ok?
I would!! If someone tells me what to do in this way, I make damn sure I do the exact opposite. HAHA What a freak!!
This is when you show up in overalls with a bag (yes, bag) of Beenie Weenies.
…or a bucket of extra-crispy KFC.
Gee, as long as there’s no pressure for peppermint bark ice cream, it’s fine….
HAHA, ya she definitely made me feel like theres no pressure! haha
Anyone who’d request peppermint-anything ice cream has no business telling anyone what to do…
ha ha ha! the letter was too much, but the comments? priceless!! thanks for the good laughs people!
i would make my own dinner and invite everyone but marney.
Really, I would like to start a find for Lisa to have a completely catered Thanksgiving dinner, including veggie dips from the supermarket and not invite Marney.
I am completely surprised she wasn’t more particular on how to prepare the asparagus. You can really screw those up if you don’t know what you are doing! And who eats that stuff without some kind of cheesy sauce anyway? Certainly not the same group that won’t touch turnip greens!
I like my cheese sauce with a half stalk of asparagus, true. On second thought, just hold the asparagus, I’ll just stick a straw in the sauce! LOL
my impression is that mike is lactose intolerant (i’m marney intolerant!) and that cheese give him bad gas! Which angers Marney who must remain the center of attention during the whole meal- thereby needing to personally out do his farts!
“Really, Mike, Great Value brand ice cream? And it’s not even vanilla, it’s FRENCH vanilla! Why, this is just insulting–It’s like bringing Diet Dr. Thunder to a barbeque! Just so embarrassing.”
so i was drinking a diet dr. thunder just as i read that. i wish you could have seen my face and the look i gave my drink can. ha ha ha
I had a control freak for a mother-in-law once. WE ate her.
Lol! Thank you Joe.
ROFLMAO….did you choke and gag?
I hope you prepared it with a nice cheese sauce!
If I received such orders to bring food, I would talk to her friends so we can bring bologna sandwiches. That’s it. Then we leave her house and go out for a real, stress-free dinner. But, then again, I wouldn’t be friends with such a cheap-skate.
I love the “regulation” sized casserole dishes…oh man
I was thinking the same thing, Michelle. WT* is she, a drill SGT? ROFL
What exactly IS a regulation size casserole dish?..lol..I’ve worked in food service most of my life and can’t answer that one!
Scares me to think there is a real person out there that wrote this….and actually had the stones to send it out to the family!
Lol, what is she gonna do bring a ruler out… “You’re 3/4 of an inch over regulation size!! I would expect this kind of disrespect out of the Amy Misto family but really June???”
Hmmm, I’d like to know what a regulation size casserole dish is.
i can picture her dumping the casserole outside in a fit of rage upon discovery of the “non-reg” dish!
i hope the various families involved totally strayed from the plan: frozen pies, arriving solid and needing to be baked; the Green Valley beans or asparagus with sloppy sauces, and i hope the newly married person, expected to participate at the “adult” level showed up with cocktail weenies in a red sauce with beans. and i hope no one brought serving spoons. and then just sat watching football drinking those cases of beer while Perfect Wife and Mother cried hysterically in the kitchen…
I believe you omitted a few paragraphs:
Heinrich Himmler family – please bring 2 dozen bagels with lox.
Joseph Goebels family – please bring 1 gallon matza soup.
Herman Goering family – please bring desert for everyone. Please do not bring pudding pops like last year. The kids (and grandma) can’t handle those in the house. Also, Herm, please don’t wear the green dress from last year. No one can handle that.
LOL!! What a hoot! The last two sentences made me spew my tea!
Too funny Graham. Like Kimbo, I just snarfed my hot beverage!
Lol! That is hilarious! I can’t believe an actual person had the gall to send this to people.
After a little investigation, I can not find the regulation casserole dimensions! Please HELP! I do not want to cause Marney any undue stress and be the catalyst for her oncoming aneurysm!
Fool! EVERYBODY knows that! (not!!!)
Please, what is Thanksgiving? I’m just a little Englander from Yorkshire.
Thanksgiving is when we celebrate the “Pilgrims” landing at Plymouth Rock and “making peace” with the “Indians”" which in turn was the beginning of the “United States of America.”,
Pretty much it’s a celebration of when we raped and pillaged Native Americans just so we could have our own “free” country that would one day be in billions of dollars of debt, lack the appropriate amount of jobs to match the increasingly growing population, have the worst health care system possibly in the world, disapprove marriage between same sex couples while standing strong by their 50%+ divorce rate, and be the most judgmental, hypocritical country currently in existence.
Hope that helped!
We also all get together and eat too much food, drink too much beer, watch too much football on TV and generally yell at each other (you know, family).
Tricia,
Your response is why most people have become homo-irritated, no not homophobic. Every comment, even on sites that bring a bit of comic relief to life, has to become a rant about your cause, please give it a rest.
Tricia…
Not a fan of your post. Not cool! Thanksgiving is fun and beautiful.
“tricia” aka… MARNEY!!
Tricia, I am Native American, and even my people do not speak this way. I’m not neccessarily disputing that my people were “raped and pillaged” but we were never told of such in the recounting of the first Thanksgiving and of the uniting of peoples at Plymouth Rock. But then again, we believe in speaking only of goodness, and that language like yours is vile and toxic to the hope and positive mindsets that can free us all from being cursed with judgement and hatred like yours. I remember as a child hearing my great-great grandfather tell the story of Thanksgiving and never once did he speak with any resentment, only love. We have always felt great pride, not because we were original residents of this great land, but because our ancestors welcomed new settlers with love and sharing of the abundances that we were blessed with. They trusted God to provide enough for all. I feel sad for you that you have such hatred in your heart and pray you will use that energy to find good in the nation that some of us still love. (Also, I may not be as “smart” as you, but even I know that Mr. Bernard Lyne was being facetious when he asked “Please, what is Thanksgiving?…” You took even a humurous post as a opportunity to complain. I pray you will be free soon, friend.)
Tricia,
Why don’t you leave? I’m sure there are a lot of other countrys’ citizens that would love to hear you rant (not).
WE DON’T EITHER!!!
Tricia, I just read the replies below. I think your “definition” was hilarious. I’m pretty sure you weren’t attempting a college-level graded essay, so therefore you were trying to be humorous. PS: 9-11 was inside job.
Feel free to move, Tricia. No, really: please move, and take Marney with you.
Amen, Nathan.
Cheyenne,
You sound like someone I would love to have as a friend.
You are all yanking my chain, right?! – or is this just Marney posting…and posting… and posting… (or am I missing some essential prior knowledge as a New Zealander to take this seriously?)
Thanksgiving is when Jesus stepped off the Mayflower and shot firecrackers at the Indians!!
rotflmaopmp!!!
Thank you, Stacy!
Every culture should have a harvest festival and cleverly incorporate as much “history” as possible.
Actually, Thanksgiving started during the Civil War. Lincoln saw that the union’s morale was dropping, so he declared a new holiday where people would stop and give thanks. The Pilgrims were more of a convenient reason for the holiday. Really it was a political move to keep the country behind the government (and not depressed) while going through the Civil War.
Personally, it is my favorite holiday! The most difficult holiday to make commercial. It’s just about food, family, and friends.
oh my goodness! What a drill sargeant. Well, if i were going I’d bring a big dish of turnips with cheese sauce without a knife with a big slotted spoon and a big old bottle of Coke and three gallons of store brand water LOL.
I guess that leaves Marney with the Turkey!!
Marney IS a turkey…..
In ALL seriousness…
I think people like this should be arrested for this type of behavior and thrown in jail. They should be taken away from the general population. Yes, we all know people like this to some degree, but these people REALLY need to be put in their place with a serious reality check.
Either that or, it should be an unspoken rule that NOBODY even GO to a house on Thanksgiving when they are being talked down to by the hostess. Yeah, some hostess.
Or… we could just let her be herself. There’s that little law about freedom of speech. Never heard of one that requires folks to spend the holidays with their families.
You disrespectful HEATHENS! Bob: I can’t BELIEVE you’d have the gall to even think of HEAVILY sprinkling the asparagus with UNTOASTED nuts. I hereby EXCOMMUNICATE YOU from this FAMILY. And HOW DARE *ANYONE* SUGGEST THAT WE HAVE TOO MANY CASSEROLES. Casseroles are the FOUNDATION of our FINE COUNTRY. EVERYONE likes casseroles and I FORBID you to say otherwise!
As we do every year, we will re-enact the first Thanksgiving and as your hostess, I will assign your parts. I’m thinking that this year Amy will play the Injun SAVAGE who gets SMALLPOX. I’m very excited that my shipment of smallpox germs has already arrived in the mail, sent in a regulation sized CASSEROLE dish just as I ordered!!! And June, if you use that blue serving dish you will be a perfect candidate for SCALPING. Maybe we’ll do a burning at the stake this year –I know it might be a little untraditional, but hey — I make the rules! A good ol’ burning really imparts that pilgrim feeling, don’t you think. Aren’t you guys just SO EXCITED?? I know this will be the BEST Thanksgiving EVER, if you DO AS I SAY. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll DO AS I SAY!!
XOXO,
Marney
Whew! If this is Thanksgiving, I wonder if any of her bridesmaids lived through their wedding!
how about Christmas @ Marney’s? That’s gotta be a hoot! Surely the instructions for that include details re: the presents… dimensions, content, wrapping paper, etc.!!
I sure wish I was in the AMY MISTO FAMILY! If I saw mail from MARNEY I would throw in right in the garbage too. NO WONDER SHE WILL NEVER READ THAT!!!
I can definitely recognize the style of this letter as being the same comedic genius who wrote the Always consumer letter. Can I meet you, please?
Stasey, I’m glad I’m not the only one who wants to meet this genius of a writer. I’m also glad I’m not the only one who thinks very strongly this is the same writer as the Always F16 lady.
what is the Always F16 letter and where can I read it?
this lady would never make it in my family. they would have told her to **** off and stay home by herself.
I thought it was kind of creepy how she randomly pretended to act naturally, like when out of nowhere she said “yum!” after beating someone over the head about the Haagen Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream.
I would have told her to buy her own ice cream. What a cheapskate. And what did the Bob Byron family do to her to get such a long list. Turnip casserole (which I would make a huge casserole, with cheese AND cocktail sauce, 2 containers of ice cream (the gas station brand, cuz that’s not a store) and a case of water (generic soda, not diet, the kind with cans that require a can opener) and I would have showed up in costume, I’m thinking something like Joan of Arc would be suitable. I’d tell the hostess I was dressed as my favorite martyr and then comment that I see she’s dressed as her favorite martyr. Ahhh, there’s no place for passive aggressive behavior like the holidays.
Sadly enough this reminds me way too much of my own family, still pretty amusing though. Maybe it’s a southern thing? My grandmother sends out an e-mail every year before our big family vacation/reunion telling everyone what to bring. Nothing like this though…..
“Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level.”
A window into the sibling relationship between these two women. Can I stab her in the eye with a serving fork for you, Lisa?
is anyone besides Marney looking forward to the 28th? ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!
Marney gives blogspot a bad name. If anyone in the family has brains they would all get together, go out for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner and a show. Then home to someone else’s place for dessert and coffee. Sit around the rest of the evening, with the phone off the hook, and enjoy a few glasses of wine.
Just don’t show up at Marney’s and let Mike spend the evening with the turkeys.
Just found regulation sized dish. It was the one with the little army suit on it. Speaking of suits, I think the hostesss needs one with the hands that tie in the back.
Thanks- Excellent comment, Pain! Double true!
I’ll bring the machete!
Good grief!
the funniest part – why do i bother she’s not going to read this.
i’m laughing so hard i’m crying.
I, unfortunately, would like to admit that I am the type of girl who would send out a letter such as this. My OCD is unbelievable.
Cherish- at least you recognize that you have this issue, and i’m sure you’re not half at bad as a result! Hats off to you for your reply and offering an actual real clue why someone would do this!
So, what Marney is really saying is, ‘We’d like to have Thanksgiving alone this year…’
the world wont end in 2012 because phill of the future came from 2121.
Yes, advising no knives is a good idea, she should also be concerned about taking a whack to the head from one of those bottles. Could someone tell me what a regulation size casserole is–?
You know all of us are thinking that we would go completely opposite to the instructions she gave us, but can you imagine making marney mad? She’d probably give you instructions on how to dress before she came over to your house to beat you
Awesome!
I’m with Kelly: did anyone show up? If I had received a passive-aggressive letter from that control freak, I think I would have had to write back: “Gosh, I’m so sorry, but we decided we wanted to have our own Thanksgiving this year. ” Wow. She sounds like an in-law – not a blood member of the Byron family – and she really can’t stand all those Byrons. And this was just her catty way of letting them know.
Obviously Amy Misto has certainly learned how to deal with Marney! LOL. That would be me.
I think Marney is my ex-wife! She must have changed her name…
If this was a real letter, clearly it was her way of ensuring that NOBODY would turn up for Thanksgiving at her house, so she wouldn’t have to deal with that mess in the first place.
This was sent to me stating that it is a classic example of a “control freak”.
Surely you jest, was my reply, this is outstandtanding SATIRE !
The comments that follow are amusing, as well as the ‘comments’ on the comments….makes me wonder tho, about authenticity,since there are so many repeat commentors.
In addition, the photos & text in right hand column are amusing. I ignored them initially, thinking they were ‘pop-up’spam…DGP
I like the fact that in the first sentence she says she jokes around a lot and has a sense of humor. A sense of humor like a dead woodchuck maybe.
OMG-this letter takes the Hagen-Das! Wasn’t MARNEY in a Hitchcok movie by the same name? If you told me she was in ANY of his films I’d believe you:
She obviously DIDN’T dodge The Birds pecking her in the head;swirls of non-regulation casseroles give her Vertigo; watches warily for any signs of people entering with foil thro’ her Rear Window,and if you show up with un-approved turnips- PSYCHO!!! *plays stabbing- music*
Wow.
I have to admit I was a little weirded out reading this, because it sounds exactly like the kind of letter my boss would write about Thanksgiving dinner.
I would know, because we recently had to coordinate a fundraiser dinner and you should have seen the instructions leading up to that.
Aunt Rudy, Is that you?
“Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time…”
Translation: I have no sense of humor at all, and have never joked about any subject at any time under any circumstances.
Also… ‘regulation size casserole dish’
*shudder*
caaaarazy
Is this going in the book?!
Hey guys – just an update…no word on this year’s letter yet.
I wonder if she knows she’s e-famous?
Boo.
Thanks, Kara!
We’ll keep checking…
CAN’T. WAIT.
!
Kara- So what happened last year? Did everyone show up and bring their assigned dishes to specification? If not, what was the reaction?
Kara – Were you an attendee at this dinner by any chance? Love to know how it went!
I’ve been waiting for months to see if an update was forthcoming. Be sure to get the new one before letting Marney know she is internationally infamous on this website. You’ll never be asked to bring anything again. You may never see her again.
Was this a real letter to begin with? It just reads too much like a spoof or a rant. Did it actually go out to family members?
And what IS a regulation casserole size?
And that would be a bad thing???
For us it would!
If it’s a non-regulation size, you can’t use it for competitions, like the casserole olympics!
thank you..that clears up everything…lol
LMAO. hotdish competitions??