The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

 submitted by Kara at

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.


3,035 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. savanna says:

    i don`t know why my brouther has to fight with me

  2. Gerald says:

    No bread, I can’t believe there’s no bread or rolls! Great detail!

  3. Nun-Huh! says:


    And I thought my older sister was a bit “bossy” and quite demanding and in control. yeah. RIGHT! LOLOLOL.. I shall have to send this to her, let her see someone can even rule over the queen boss. :)


  4. Chrispy says:

    Wow… REALLY?

    I didn’t know that my sister changed her name from Monique to Marney? She must use that moniker for the inlaws… :-P

  5. SC says:

    LOL, LOL – I am CRYING laughing here :)

    My sister ALWAYS comes and cooks her contribution in my mother’s kitchen and then asks for ingredients :) And then it is a TOTAL inconvenience to her not to find the ingredients in my mother’s fridge, so with a sigh she takes herself off to the store.

    One year she even burnt my Mom’s pies by turning on the wrong oven which then in turn burnt the finish on the wood cabinet above the stove . . . and then was MAD that my mom was angry . . . Ahhh but oh Marney somehow I do not think this has been your experience . . . I am sending my sister to Marney’s house then I will video-tape the psychosis for you all :)

    • AnnaZed says:

      “…by turning on the wrong oven which then in turn burnt the finish on the wood cabinet above the stove…”

      Wait, who has an oven that will burn the nearby cabinets if you turn it on?

      I’m backing your sister, you guys sound nuts!

  6. Suzie-Q says:

    THIS is why I made reservations for Thanksgiving this year!
    Cost of dinner for 6 at fancy club restraunt: $250.
    Cost of having pictures of family at fancy club on CD: $50
    Cost of bail and court ordered family therapy: $0
    Peace of Mind: PRICELESS

  7. Steve says:

    If you could get Marney to eat them, I have a…uh…brownie recipe that would mellow her out.

  8. Linda says:

    Is this a joke? This can’t be real!

  9. Linda says:

    Is this a joke? This certainly can’t be real!

  10. Olivia says:

    Marney sounds like my sister! She is scary too.

  11. Gina says:

    Good grief, people…. someone has to organize things…however, this gal is a bit extreme…. I’m guessing she’s had her share of botched up messes so here she goes… I certainly thought our family was the worst one when it comes to holiday get togethers, but I could be very wrong…. Pass the wine, will ya… I think I’ll start with that, screw the dinner…!!

  12. Jeremy says:

    If Amy Misto has a reputation for doing her own thing, good for her!

  13. Frank says:

    Marney Dearest better not find any wire hangers when she comes over.
    Is conversation allowed or do you have to raise your paw. Makes you glad you grew up
    in a healthy disfunctional family where if you forgot to bring food you were told to get more beer.

  14. Maura says:

    Oh my God. This woman needs a sharp kick in the teeth. I think everyone should agree too come to her house on Thanksgiving and then pull a no-show…seriously she is MENTALLY ILL.

  15. Karen says:

    This is SO funny! This woman is organized. What was her wedding like???? Is she still married? She can’t have kids yet, because I can’t remember yesterday, never mind what happened last Thanksgiving!

  16. Steve says:

    OK, Thanksgiving’s one week away – are we going to get a Thanksgiving 2009 letter from Marney? Or is she measuring regulation sized casserole dishes?

  17. Kev says:

    Well, speaking from the perspective of someone who has to spread the holiday love between two families (mine and my wife’s), I would say that a letter like this would certainly help us decide which family we’d grace with our effin mashed potatoes NEXT year.

  18. kate says:

    sounds like someone got off easy…

    HJB—Dinner wine

  19. Ann says:

    I wonder how she will fel when the 5 yr old twins put out their hand made turkey place cards-oops- probably no kids allowed!

  20. jeanagh says:

    i’m thinking if marney doesn’t cool it, she’ll end up up with a serving spoon somewhere sore… kara, have you ever thought of tying marney up until after Thanksgiving?

  21. Sarah says:

    Dear Marney, in the spirit of the holiday, which is to be thankful and to appreciate getting together with family, you could do one of two things. First, you could contact your favorite restaurant and order dinner, contact the liquor store and order the drinks, and contact the caterer and hire help to decorate and serve. Then you can split the bill among everyone who is attending. Please check first to make sure everyone can afford to pay for your tastes, which, let’s admit, require a large budget.
    Second, you could buy enough serving spoons and casserole dishes, etc., to give everyone what they will need before the next Thanksgiving, along with the recipe tucked inside, as Christmas presents – so Martha Stewart.
    Or, wait, a Third alternative – let people bring what they can afford, pare down your meal, and spend time talking with your family members – who knows, when word gets around, Amy Misto may even show up!

  22. Bev says:

    Sounds like a “Kate Gosselin” Thanksgiving to me.

  23. Elroy says:

    No problem. I found it.
    Aloha again, Elroy

  24. Elroy says:

    What happened to my original reply?

  25. Elroy says:

    Would like to come, but alas air fares are outlandish during this time of year. If, however, I was able to do so I would bring food worthy for a Hawaiian King or Queen, such as, Raw Ahi (fish), Raw He’e (squid), raw Opihi (sea urchin) Cooked (deep fried fish of various kinds), Kalua Pig (a pig cooked in a firey Imu (under ground) Lomi (massaged) raw salmon, chicken Long rice (stewed chicken with long rice) sweet potato (also cooked in the Imu) and Poi (taro, a staple grown like potatoes, cooked, mashed and mixed with water so that you could use one or two fingers to dip in, hold, and eat. Some say it tastes like wall-paper paste. This is totally untrue. It is a Hawaiian Staple, like rice to Asians, or potatoes to haoles (caucasians). The desert is “haupia”, made from coconut milk. And finally, washed down with Pineapple Swipe (an alcoholic drink made from pineapples). This then, is where the fun begins. THIS WOULD BE PARTY TO GO TO. So do remember this when you visit our Islands. Aloha.

    • jennster says:

      dude i lived in hawaii and that sounds like a great dinner to me! however, us whities aren’t the only ones the haole label is applied to. on Oahu, it went for anyone not hawaiian, filipino or samoan

  26. Prof D says:

    OK, this? Really cracked me up. I love the “don’t bring the oversized blue bowl you did last year.” Snap! I understand the stress of coordinating things like this, but this woman needs to really learn to let things go a little bit for her own sanity and others’. I’m waiting with great anticipation for this year’s letter!

    • Anne says:

      My theory is – if you will make it and I don’t have to, bring it in any damn serving dish you want!! I’ll be coordinating Christmas for my family this year and trust me it will be nothing like this and will be through personal phone calls!

  27. moviegoer says:

    Marney is the title of a Hitchcock flick.

  28. Jan says:

    I think I LOVE Marney! haha

  29. peccavi says:

    Having been to some amazing Thanksgiving dinners over the years at the house of some close family friends, I know how much work it takes to pull off a good dinner, especially if you’re the host/hostess and doing most of the work yourself. I could never handle all the timing that comes with getting multiple dishes in and out of the oven and on and off the stove.

    BUT – if you think Marney is some long suffering saint who had to put up with too many dinners with five stuffing dishes and no squash, come on now. This stuff ain’t that hard with a little coordination and communication before hand. The truth is that Marney is a control freak who needs to send out dispatches from central command to ensure that everything is up to her Bizarro World specifications. If it were just about spreading the labor about evenly, it would be enough to make a few phone calls to make sure everybody’s bringing something different to the table and everything’s provided for.

    Plus, it’s the snide comments that are the toxic topping on the “Hagan Daz” (no pressure though) ice cream. Her bizarre attachment to Clos Du Bois, her passive aggressive comments to Lisa Byron (step up for god’s sake Lisa, you’re a woman now) and Amy Misto…I wish there were an original photocopy, this really needs to be cross-posted to

  30. Peter says:

    Shhhh . . . “Marney” is Martha Stewart’s alias.

  31. Sarahew88 says:

    It has been a year and I still read this.
    All hail Marney.

  32. kevin says:

    wow, thats pretty lazy. sounds like shes just making the turkey…….! oh, and by the way i agree with the others this is great stuff. cant wait for next year so i know what to have my family bring to our thanksgiving!

  33. Tim says:

    Wow. OCD much?

  34. Melinda says:

    This is just hilarious…could it really be a real letter? I can’t wait to read the sequel and the comments are just as amusing as the letter.

  35. Kat says:

    Okay, Marney expressly instructs the Michelle Bobble Family to bring a pie knife, though they are not contributing anything pie-like, and then instructs the Amy Misto Family to bring two pies, but no knife? Is it that she really likes Michelle Bobble’s pie knife, lol???

    • Lisa says:

      They need the pie knife for the pinwheel!! She is specific and yet you’re not paying attention. See why Marne must be specific?

      • butcherbaby says:

        what i want to know is, how is a “pie knife” different from any other sort of knife? everyone i know cuts their pies with a regular cooking knife or a butter knife if the pie’s not rock hard.
        and shouldn’t someone that anal and perfectionist already *have* something as specific as a “pie knife”?

        • dina says:

          A pie knife has a wide triangular blade so that you can very neatly lift the slice of pie when you’re done cutting. i was given 2 of them as wedding gifts many, many years ago and they both have yet to be used :p

          Marney and I would be shouting at each other before Lisa’s appetizers even made it out.

  36. Earth Mom says:

    Lots of wine to be thankful for!

  37. Pat says:

    At least she asks for a good wine.

  38. Cindy In St. Louis says:

    To Marney ~ Hang in there Girlfriend! Everybody asks, “What can I bring?”, so you told them. Where would the world be without someone as the focal for the dinner/project/travel plans/getting astronauts into space.

    Also, use this internet infamy, Marney, to your economic advantage. Write a be$t $elling book.

    Type A/Cholerics Unite!

  39. Donna says:

    Please, please, please, please post the 2010 Thanksgiving letter when Marney sends it out this year! I need to know need to know what she’s is going to say next. It’s like a sickness – I’ve been waiting all year…

    • Steve says:

      I am with Donna! I want THIS year’s letter. I assume that the one we have read was prior to 2009 so PLEASE post another letter from Marney but then Amy Misto and her family probably didn’t read the letter about bringing pies (you know how she is, she NEVER reads the letters) and probably screwed up Thanksgiving for everybody and now, THIS year, they are all on their own! Way to go, Amy! Gotta get my fix in.

  40. Susan says:

    I am wondering if this is real or a funny, made up family story poking fun at the Type A in everyone’s family?

  41. chilaxx says:

    Wonder if this family got another e-mail around this time of year?

  42. Liz says:

    I’m glad to see there will be alchohol at this gathering. I’m pretty sure that everyone will need some and hopefully Marney will partake of a few herself for everyone’s sake.

    • Darb says:

      Are you kidding? You get Marney drunk and she’ll start saying what she really thinks. And what everyone else really thinks. You know – the stuff she was told in complete confidence to never ever reveal.

  43. Red Ruffensor says:

    You just know this bunch is going to fight like cats and dogs whenever they get together.

  44. CLR says:

    What’s wrong with this? My mom has been doing this for years!!!!

    • kristie says:

      CLR: Does your mom just ask people to bring things, or does she give crazy lady directions like this chick? There’s a difference between asking people for things like “Greg, please bring mashed potatoes” and “Greg, please bring mashed potatoes in a 12×8 serving dish, already warmed, with a medium serving spoon”. This lady’s nuts. And if she has any important specifications (Ie. Bob, please do not make any cheese sauces. Mike has an allergy.) it’s proper manners to send a separate email, or a phone call. Also, telling a woman she’s “an adult now” and has to “contribute on an adult level” by bringing something stupid like the hors d’ouerves that no one eats is neurotic, patronizing and rude.

  45. Janine says:

    Kara, this is just a thought, but wouldn’t it be great to surprise dear Marney with fast food in tin foil and a slap in the face?

    Hope you have a great holiday and be sure to hit the clos du bois immediately =P

  46. Tracy says:

    What would Marney do if you accidently forgot the serving spoon? I think I would be scared to even go inside without the serving spoon. And who is HJB and why do they get to bring just dinner wine. It better be darn good wine.

  47. Kim says:

    Wow. And I thought my cousin-in-law was crazy for sending us all a letter about the blood of Jesus every year.

  48. Kathy says:

    Ya’ll just come to my house for Thanksgiving and eat your little hearts out – leave Marney tied up on her plastic-covered sofa in front of the TV, which should be playing continuous episodes of ‘Monk’. By the time you get home, she should be sufficiently mellowed.

  49. CVT says:

    I wonder if these people received instructions when they arrived. “We will sit down for dinner at precisely 1600 hours. You will smile. You will pass the salt counter-clockwise. The conversation has been scripted. Please do not improvise.”

  50. Allen says:

    Just wait till Christmas.

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