The Thanksgiving Letter

November 26th, 2009

The Thanksgiving Letter - Thanksgiving

 submitted by Kara at www.californiakara.com

Listen to a dramatic reading of Marney’s famous letter.

After years of trying, Marney agreed to sit down with AFP and discuss her famous letter.

And now, you can get the official Marney Shirt! Image of regulation-size casserole dish included.

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3,042 Responses to “The Thanksgiving Letter”

  1. Kelly says:

    WTH is a regulation size casserole?
    I think she should shove her casserole and her fancy ice cream you know where.

  2. Paola says:

    this must be written by David Sedaris, it can’t be real.
    by the way, marney: “prosciutto”.

  3. Feather says:

    I would have brought a bag of flour and eggs and dumped it on her door, literally. Having everyone pitch in a particular item, great. But that is extreme, regulation sized casserole, wth?. And the person “who wont read this”, you know the first time she saw that she said “oh hell no” and doesnt do it every year just to piss her off.

  4. Dawne says:

    I love reading this every year…it’s an ‘unofficial’ part of the holidays. lol
    I just hope one day Marney will treat us with a sequel. There’s a touch of Marney…and the family of Marney… in us all. :-)

  5. Erin says:

    Marney’s children were probably toilet trained at gunpoint.

  6. Lydia says:

    Marney should ask each family for $20.00 and do everything herself! lol!

  7. Lorraine says:

    I can identify with Marney. After many years of trusting families to bring appropriate pot luck items for the family meal, I became Marney on the Christmas day that our one family who always arrive late were asked to bring buns – which we could do without if we had to. She arrived 1/2 hour before the meal with a big bowl of risen dough and an ice cream maker! We had to juggle everything in the oven to get the buns in – BTW they weren’t ready in time for the meal – and had to put up with the background noise of the ice cream maker during the meal. Right after the meal, and without serving any ice cream, said family got up without doing any clean up and left, announcing over their shoulder we have to go to my Mum’s house for dinner and I am providing the buns and ice cream! Marney was made – she didn’t come that way.

  8. Katie says:

    What did Marney supply, besides her house and directions to everyone?
    I would think no one would show up if she’s that particular!

  9. Sheila says:

    Marney should supply everything if she is so particular.

  10. Marney says:

    I am awkwardly embaressed that I share a name with this lovely lady. I bet Thanksgiving was a hoot!

  11. magillicuddy says:

    Loved this for years… and now in a nifty holiday presentation format… who could ask for more… I guess.. Marney…

  12. Joanna says:

    I’d just proofread the letter and send it back. “D minus! See me after class!”

  13. OrXe54 says:

    I think the thing that tips the iceberg into making people pissed off is how she dictates brands to people. I can understand having a general plan so that not everyone brings the same thing, but to mandate that NO STORE BRAND ICE CREAM be in her presence as well as this wine that I’m sure only Marney is fond of just makes it ALL ABOUT YOU. Glahhh. Whoever said the comment about all the revenge fantasies this creates is so true. I think we’d all kill for 10 seconds of hitting Marney with a non-regulation-sized serving dish.

  14. Chrissie says:

    Poor Lisa brought 2 Golden Beet Tarts, a double recipe of Proscuitto and Fig Crostatas and Cherry tomatoes stuffed with Baba Ganoush. She tried so hard to prove that she is an adult and doesn’t need to bring a simple relish tray.

    Marney was fit to be tied. “Beets? You brought beets as an appetizer? Great, the beets have cheese under them. You know how Mike is. Why did you think we’d need more proscuitto? Didn’t you see that I already asked Michelle to bring her proscuitto pinwheel? Baba Ganoush in the tomatoes? What about ‘baba ganoush’ says Thanksgiving to you? Next time just bring the crudite tray like I asked.”

  15. Sloth says:

    Wow, this sure sounds fun! I can’t imagine the instruction list taped to the bathroom mirror.

  16. teri in tampa says:

    is it really beyond everyone that the whole plan is for her to get everyone else to do everything and then claim exhaustion at keeping all the miscreants in line?!?!?

  17. goodformarney says:

    This was so direct and to the point most people cant handle it. At least she SAYS what she thinks. I kind a like Marney and would LOVE to come to her thanksgiving. Im sure being the joker i am i would get it all wrong on PURPOSE and watch her reaction….. I would have her laughing at herself.

    • poetmccool says:

      Trust me, this IS my mother-in-law…those people NEVER learn to laugh at themselves…the REAL horror in this story is that the spineless families CAVED to her demands! I’d have told her to take-a-flying-leap!

    • Robert says:

      The original posting had a comment about another “interesting” thanksgiving letter, where the brother was told to bring something, the writer offended him, and he brought a fishbowl with green and blue jello in layers. Within the layers were sardines, and at the bottom jelly beans. It was just genius. Has anyone seen it?

    • Matt says:

      God, you and me both. I’m a pot-stirrer, just like my dad, and neither one of us respond well to stuff like this. At Thanksgivings and things we volunteer, or are asked to bring a dish (appetizer, entree, dessert, whatever) and I usually end up bringing my famous beer dip which always goes down well, especially with my sister-in-law (vegetarian). But a woman like this I would deliberately sabotage then tell her to go jump in a lake. This is a woman who can’t take a joke, and would be mercilessly antagonized and ridiculed.

  18. jeff says:

    Hmmm. I will say that, in a way, I admire Marney. As someone who hosts Thanksgiving each year, it can be surprising how disappointed a guest can be when some side dish is not there, or is prepared in a non-traditional way. My dad would have been glum if he had to deal with crunchy cranberry sauce instead of the canned jellied kind. Marney has the tough part, the turkey, dressing, gravy, and setting the table, a clean house, etc.

    It can also be surprising that some family members that are BEYOND grown-up still like to think of themselves as “the kids” and show up empty-handed. Maybe Marney is tired of that immaturity…,maybe EVERYONE is tired of it. At least Marney has the balls to lay it on the line. She’s TIRED of soup spoons falling into the cheesey sauce! And not only that, she has the book of rules, which details the dimensions for regulation-sized casserole dishes.

    On the other hand, I do NOT have the guts to write everyone a letter like this. Maybe I could rent Marney for the holidays.

    • Flinch says:

      Jeff, Marney is no hero; she is a passive-aggressive control freak. If I received a letter like this, I’d be making alternative plans for thanksgiving!

    • Lisa says:

      Marney makes some good points, and as someone who always does the dinner, there is nothing more annoying than having all your grown up siblings each show up with dinner rolls and coke….thinking that its a contribution.

      That being said, I would totally whack Marney in the head with a serving spoon.

  19. Paolo says:

    I think that Marney has put a lot of thought and caring into this holiday plan. I can appreciate her being thorough..smooth plans leave lots of time for all the other fun. Cheep foil is so annoying to work with.

  20. Marney says:

    Amy Misto brought knives with her pies and she wasn’t allowed in the door. June Davis used her over sized serving dish AGAIN and I immediately made her go home and comply with the aforementioned requirements. Not only did the Bob Byron family bring green beans AND asparagus, but they used a soupy sauce, one which included CHEESE. They have been excommunicated from the family.

  21. Red says:

    I honestly feel sorry for this Marney. Being OCD is no fun.

    • Anonymous says:

      Having OCD when no one cares (or even knows what it is) is “no fun.” Being an OCD fascist with dozens of people catering to your every stupid, insensitive whim must be a bit less stressful.

    • chelsea says:

      Trust me, that’s not OCD. That’s just plain ol’ bitchiness.

  22. Jenny says:

    Marney needs therapy!

  23. Denise says:

    I love this! I’ve been coming to this site for awhile now and always wondered where the “Marney” jokes started! Now, all we need is a link to the original “Compound bows” post!!

  24. Lulu says:

    My contribution would have included a carton or two of cigarettes and some hard liquor, and I’m not a drinker or a smoker. I just know it would be necessary.

  25. Susan says:

    Well hey, she’s right about the turnips…

    • Julesia says:

      I’ve never heard of having turnips for TG or any other traditional holiday meal. At any rate, I like the attempt at organization, but obviously this is waaaaaaaaaay over the top on many levels. Marney needs some Prozac–or maybe for the family.

      • Erika says:

        Gee, here in Massachusetts, turnip is a staple of the Thanksgiving feast. Mash’em up, add mashed carrots and lots of butter, salt & pepper…yum!

        • rccola20 says:

          Down below the mason-dixon in NC, we serve turnips, turnip-greens and ‘pot liquor’ which is the best part – turnip broth. Add some cornbread, a bowl and spoon and it’s Thanksgiving.

          And while we’re at it, we add oysters to the stuffing. And FYI Marney – stuffing that’s served outside a turkey is called dressing. And a casserole is the food put in a dish, not the dish it’s served in.

          • Kate says:

            Oh good lord I laughed so hard, and you are so right about her using the wrong words.
            Where I’m from, the whole green-beans casserole is not common, but turnips are. I’ve never had asparagus at TG, and I would never command a family member to bring five pounds of something that can be so expensive. If that was my directive, I’d have opened five cans of asparagus into a ‘casserole’, slapped some bacon on top and called it done. Then I’d have left and had dinner somewhere with a lot less stress :)

  26. Gadgetsage says:

    I think one rohypnol for marnie would be a very welcome ingredient that would insure a great thanksgiving for everyone else…

  27. Gadgetsage says:

    I would soooo mess with this lady by bringing crazy stuff, ranging from something as mild as pickled eels, funyuns and a box of wine, and well, it would get worse from there, maybe a live turkey with love beads jammed halfway into its butt, the other half dragging around on her no doubt white carpet… or a bag of hair… and of course photoshop her little list so that it seemed like she asked for whatever crazy stuff I brought.

  28. moonlantern says:

    If Amy isn’t going to read it why’d she get assigned the most important thing(pumpkin pie)?

  29. Rusty says:

    OMG – please tell me this is NOT for real! I have dealt with many control freaks (my mother-in-law, for example…not to name names)…but this takes the cake…oh…sorry…noticed there is NO CAKE listed on the required dishes of food that are allowed. I have sent this to my family in preparation for my visit at Christmastime along with a list of MY required dishes and how they should be made. After all, I am traveling 3,000 miles to be with them so they should be required to make the food I want to eat rather than that sad yellow wax bean soup yet again…right? Right?

    (BTW I ABSOLUTELY LOVE all the millions of typos in this letter – cringe!)

  30. mamasan74 says:

    People People,
    It’s all in good fun :) Relax, get a laugh out of it and be Thankful for YOUR wonderful family :)

  31. Z says:

    Is this for real? WTF? Just because she is cooking the bird (big f’n’ deal) she gets to DICTATE everything else? I’d get together with everyone else, say I was coming, then have everyone over to my house for a good ole fashioned, come-as-you-are, bring-what-ya-got-or-not Thanksgiving!

  32. Lynn says:

    George, you are AWESOME! You can spend Thanksgiving at my house any time!

    Maybe somebody should make some ‘special’ brownies for Marney…

  33. chester says:

    Did you notice the date Marney is expecting her perfect feast?

    • Anonymous says:

      Yes. Interesting, isn’t it? Maybe the rest of the family took Z’s advice from his November 27, 2011 post: one late “Thanksgiving” to please the loony, and one real Thanksgiving.

  34. Bonnie says:

    I love this letter with all my heart and soul. I read it at least 3 times a year.

  35. raennt says:

    I want to know what Marnie does should you violate one of her stipulations as put forth in the thanksgiving letter. Makes me wish I knew her well enough to be invited to thanksgiving at her house so I could find out. Amazing.

  36. Greg says:

    Dear God, This Thanksgiving i’m thankful I’m not going to Marney’s house for Thanksgiving. Amen

  37. Greg says:

    I find it hard to believe ANYONE would show up at this control freaks house!

  38. Jennifer says:

    Please, PLEASE someone tell me that we’ve found out more about Marney since this was originally posted! Surely one of the families listed wrote in?? I’m dying to know!

    • Erin "Byron" says:

      im her neice what would u like to know?

      • barbie says:

        Erin: Is this letter genuine, for real? Are you a maternal or paternal niece? Does Marnie have any kids? Does she know this is posted? What does she say about it if she does? Does she know the effect her letter might have on others? Does she care? sorry, too nosy….

      • Alex says:

        I want to know if she still speaks to you? :) Does she know her letter was posted online for all of us to read and chuckle at?

    • MotorCityMich says:

      I’ve always wanted to know more too!

  39. Gordon says:

    Marney, bless her soul, will bring the pepper spray to use on those who are not fully complying with the Thanksgiving spirit.

  40. Happyslappy says:

    Hey Marney,
    I’m bringing some extra guests and a casserole (without serving spoon, sorry) of creamed feces. Choke on it you controlling, micro managing … uh… well… I can’t blame just you… it’s not your fault that you’re retarded (Mommy drank. She had too, she drank for the government).
    Much love,
    Everyone who has ever met you

  41. anonb says:

    At this point, everyone covertly decides to screw the whole thing and go to a restaurant sans Thanksgiving General Marney, leaving her baffled and jonesing for wine and Corona. I have to wonder…how cheesed off was she when she realized her orders are now so well read, they’ve actually been put on a “regulation sized” serving platter as a holiday tradition? Oh well, at least she can take comfort in knowing everyone will be using the properly sized dish.

  42. George says:

    Marney,

    Since I didn’t see my name on the list, I thought I’d better come up with some items to add to the festivities.

    See you on Thanksgiving,

    George

    ———————————————————————————————————

    Appetizer: Unholy Guacamole – Ingredients: Spam, Avacadoes, Anchovies, Uncooked Popcorn, and Jim Beam.

    Main Dish: Deep Fried NASCAR Turkey – Since I didn’t have enough vegetable oil, I had to subsitute 1 quart of 10W30 All Purpose. I figure if it’s good enough to lube the car engine, it ought to work fine on that “silver palate” pumpkin pie recipe of yours.

    Side Dish: Three Bean Casserole – I could only get one kind of bean at the store, so I hope you don’t mind food coloring to make up the difference.

    Dessert: Gravy “Chocolate Pudding” Pie – I had lots of gravy left over from last year, and stuck in some graham cracker pie plates and froze it. As long as it stays refrigerated, it will stay congealed; just tell the little kids “That’s what chocolate pudding pie is SUPPOSED to taste like.” and they’ll never know the difference.

  43. Gynghr says:

    I wonder why they don’t want Amy to bring knives? Hmmmmmmm

  44. Shatzi says:

    Hey, I’m bipolar and would never send anything this controlling and awful! Bipolar is a mood disorder, this Marny has a personality disorder. I loved reading it, and am thankful I have no family left to put up with. 15lbs of mashed potatoes? I’d use Potato Buds to spite her! I’m surprised she didn’t order the gravy to be NOT from a jar.

  45. Zzaza says:

    AND……..Marney will bring the O.C.D in a big blue dish!! I LOVE HER!!! LMAO

  46. Lenore says:

    I love all the revenge fantasies this letter inspires in people. I think we all know at least one Marney.

  47. Lisa Graham says:

    I think they’ll need more wine!

  48. Cindy Rector says:

    Marney is an obsessive-compulsive, bi-polar, control freak who needs to get on medication and get help.

  49. AngelaJ says:

    To Marney:

    Kiss our asses. We’ll be dining without you this year. Enjoy yourself.

    Have a Great Thanksgiving Alone,
    Everyone

  50. Wabbaloo says:

    I’d bring some smokies just to see the reaction! Then light up a smoke during dinner and watch Marney freak out…

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