From: Marney
As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.
Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.
All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.
HJB—Dinner wine
The Mike Byron Family
1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.
The Bob Byron Family
1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).
The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family
1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).
The Michelle Bobble Family
1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife
The June Davis Family
1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay
The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)
1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.
Looking forward to the 28th!!
Marney
(kindly submitted by Kara at http://californiakara.blogspot.com)
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Hyacinthe Bucket, is that you?
It’s BOO-kay!!!
Richard, mind the cow!
Nice! I love that show!
“it’s my sister Daisy. She’s not the one with the gold taps, sauna and room for a pony…”
Sheridaaaaan!
mind the pedestrian RICHARD!!!
If you have to perspire, I wish you’d go into the back garden, so as not to disturb the people who respect us socially.
Unfortunately, I have a few of those in my family. This person sounds “old school”–the way I see it, it’s once a year! I can deal with it. (as long as I am not the one assigned to 15lbs. of potato!) …BTW: How do you measure that????
Happy Holidays everyone!
You simply make one potato at a time, mash it then use your bathroom scale to see how much it weighs!
Potatoes come in bags of 5 and 10 lbs. So I would probably choose addition. 5+10= 15.
ha ha ha. You are the best!
Are you kidding me? Marney would probably want this weight down to the *exact* ounce and without the weight of the potato skins and bag.
Plus, whatever additions (butter, cream, etc.) in her REGULATION RECIPE are going to throw off the weight.
I would love to find out how this dinner actually went. I would mess things up on purpose just to mess with the author
She would never see me at her house. Something is definitely wrong with her.
Are you kidding? I would love to show up with my non regulation bowls and Riuniti wine. I think that her head might actully explode!
I love particularly that the wine that she is demanding is garbage grocery store wine, that’s classic.
My family and I would be spending Thanksgiving at home. Marney is a nut or a complete control freak.
Nah, she’s just a retired schoolteacher. Probably math. and high school.
I resent the implication she is a retired school teacher—whether it be math or any other subject. I’m a retired high school English teacher, and I would never write something like that. Did it ever cross your mind that she was making a gigantic joke?
Priscilla… you just pretty much wrote something like that.
My guess is definitely engineer!!
This is not a joke.
omg, someone has control issues, lol what a b!@ch
I’m guessing this was Marney’s last time hosting the Thanksgiving dinner.
If I were a guest, all of my assigned dishes would come in tupperware with aluminum foil lids, soup spoons (or no spoons…), unbaked, cold, with messy cheese, sauces, etc. And definitley store brand ice cream.
Most definately, I would love to see her standing on the table going nuts, if everyone got it all wrong…. It would be fun to see her, go balistic
OH MY GOSH. . . She’s as bad as Monica in “Friends!!” You wouldn’t see me anywhere NEAR her Thanksgiving party!!!
Genius. Makes me laugh out loud every time. Ha ha ha.
I want to hire Marney if I ever need an event planner. Ha ha ha.
Apparently Marney owns stock in Clos du Bois!
I don’t get it- if someone had a choice between bringing a CASE of beer and a BOTTLE of Clos du Bois Chardonay, um….gee, which one to bring?
I’d buy two cases of beer and drink one before we headed over to Marn’s. This way I’d be too sloshed to take her seriously.
A bottle of Clos du Bois costs about the same as a case of beer…
Sounds like you would want to bring WAY more than Marney’s minimum requirement for alcohol. The only way to get through that dinner is to be blitzed when you walk in the door and keep on drinking until you leave!
Marney is one of those creepy, control freaks we see on reality TV. As much as I hate reality TV, I’d love to spend a day in the life of this lady, I can’t even imagine what her family has to go through!
Reality TV? Every family has at least one member like Marnie. Constantly trying to gain control over life because Mommy and Daddy didn’t love her enough.
Skinny? Check.
Jittery hands? Check.
Explosive anger over small incidents? Check.
Valium? Doctor please!
Oh my gosh, that checklist is a riot! I can TOTALLY see it!
Hmmm…. no 2009 update. I wonder if something… let us say… unfortunate… happened at last year’s gathering? My guess is: Lisa, in the dining room, with a regulation size casserole.
good one jazz!
Either that, or Bob put too much cheese in the bean casserole.
Someone forward all this to Marney please….intervention needed.
Why have we never heard from Kara? (I think it’s Marney GOTTI btw…) oh…dear…
“Here I am! I hope I brought enough baked beans for everyone!”
I think I would show up with a bag of pork rinds & a single packet of kool-aid, with an empty milk jug to use as a serving pitcher.
Awesome response Moonlady!
can you imagine being her husband? or child?!
she has no husband or child, just a big house and big career; thats why she hosts the get together.
What on earth is a ‘regulation size’ casserole dish? And why does moving up to the adult level mean that you have to now be treated as a child????? This year, I’m thankful I don’t know this woman.
Excellent point!
A regulation sized cassarole dish you ask? It depends on if you go by the American Cassaroler Federation or the European Cassarole League rules. Both use different sizes and of course the Europeans measure in metric.
I searched for “regulation casserole size” because I, too, wondered what the heck she was talking about. 19 of the first 20 results were links to other sites with references to this letter, including a web site about life in Beijing. So, apparently, Marney has created an internationally recognized casserole standard. Unfortunately for her family, only Marney knows what that standard is.
This really puts the ‘pot’ back in ‘potluck.’ Last year my cousins asked us to bring
HOMEMADE pickled jalapenos as condiments to the hamburgers. They even put homemade in caps in their instructions. We took a jar of jalapenos and emptied them into Ball jar. We said it was a family recipe from the other side of the family and gave them that wide-eyed ‘we’re insecure, aren’t you going to tell us we did a good job’ look.
“This really puts the ‘pot’ back in ‘potluck.’”
i think you have just coined my new favorite “old saying”. all i can think of is amy misto bringing not pies but a pan of her “extra special” brownies.
lord knows marnie could use them!
I wonder if my Aunt wrote this and I am “The Amy Misto Family”. Sounds just like her…guess I should check my email for a Thanksgiving Letter from my Aunt.
What? You didn’t bother to read the letter? You’re an adult now you know!
It never gets old, no matter how many times I read it. It has rendered me incapable of saying “casserole dish” without “regulation sized” in front of it. I hope that never changes.
When I went to a potluck, they asked me to bring a casserole. I asked if it needed to be regulation sized. Several people knew what I meant! This one always makes me laugh!!
This is so funny I nearly launched Dr Pepper from my nose. Unfortunately, I dont think this is “real” and “from last year” as was reported. The last time Thanksgiving was on the 28th was 2002.
For the love of God, if no one likes the turnips, why have them? Mashed squash?!? Who actaully eats mashed squash?!? Which regulations are we using when sizing casserole dishes – English or American; and if American, ACF or NCF; and if NCF, East or West Coast?!? And why so many mashed potatoes when there are only two pies? How will the Prosucutto Pin Wheel make it without a plate?!? Finally, I will need 4 or 5 beers and a bottle of wine by myself, just to get me to a level where I can deal with Marley… This just isn’t enough alcohol.
What if Bob likes green beans AND asparagus?
Mike, your dishes last year were the *WRONG* size!
Lisa, no cheating and buying prepared hors d’ourves – make em yourself!
June, you are just doing it wrong – so here are some more particular instructions.
And Amy, poor, poor Amy, you are one step away from an un-invite.
Amy, you should go to church and thank your lucky stars that you ARE one step a way from the un-invite. Marney sounds like one of the stepford wives or one of the pod people!! Sheesh!
CaryE,
This letter was submitted and posted to the site last year, it is not referring to last year.
I think one family volunteers to bring turnips because they like them and want them on the table and think others might like them, too. This seems to be a contentious issue, I suspect Marney doesn’t like the and doesn’t see why they should be brought at all, hence the passive aggressive attitude towards the delicious, nutritious and blameless root vegetable.
Second thoughts – maybe everyone hates them but they bring them because they know it makes Marney crazy when no one eats them.
Mary I’m with you on this one. My family always had a small token bowl of mashed turnips that only Gramma would eat…because she had to…because she lived through the Depression you see. Drove my “shades of Marney” mother crazy because the bowl was- I assume-was a non efficient use of space on the otherwise perfectly appointed table.
Just wow. First time I’ve seen that, and I thought my family was organized about the holidays. Whew.
I think I’ve found the perfect woman for my former boss. Seriously, they could be so happy together. I want them to get married.
This letter SCREAMS suburbs…trust me, those people DO exist! They had me brainwashed for years. I escaped! You can, too, Marney! It’s not too late! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!
I grew up in the suburbs and I think this person is IN-SANE!!! I would so show up with everything in plastic dishes with cling wrap over the top of it and plastic silverwear to serve things with.
… And also robert mondovi chardonay instead of her specified type, just to piss her off.
AHhahahahhahahahaha! This never gets old — EVER!
I would write my own letter and forward it to the family giving specific instructions of my own.
Still my favorite. Of all time.
There is not nearly enough alcohol in this list to make all of those militaristic demands worth it.
Please! We need an update! Did Marney ever get out of the ’special’ hospital? Really, was it to hard for people to find the regulation casserole dishes?
i like how she calls extra virgin olive oil EVOO. someone watches too much rachel ray.
1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions.
Sounds exactly like something my mother would say to me.
Do single women get away with turning up empty-handed, twirling their fingers in their hair but with a pretty dress on?
The Thanksgiving letter was very bold! If I had to go there for Thanksgiving I would rather stay home and eat ppj.
I’ve learned that if I am going to be annoyed by someone doing something “wrong” according to my meticulous standards, I should just do it myself. I cooked all the food (completely from scratch) for our Thanksgiving feast this year. Took me 3 days, but I was happy because everything was perfect, and everyone else was happy because they didn’t have to cook!
Exactly. I’m a control freak, but I do try to contain my crazy. It can’t be a perfect meal if everyone there wants you dead.
Same here Comical! I have it down to a science now and since it’s spread out over three days it goes pretty smooth. I hostess for ALL holiday meals since my mother-in-law doesn’t cook and they live in a studio apt. NOW, if I can only get my relatives to help me clean up afterward…. I only got blank stares and nervous giggles when I asked for help this year. I am going to draft a Marney letter of my own. “Dear Relatives, Since I do ALL of the cooking for every single holiday of the year, I am assigning clean-up duty to each of you. I am giving you VERY specific instructions so I expect them to be followed to the T. etc. etc.”
anyone know the size of a regulation size casserole dish?
It’s exactly the same size as the ones Marney uses.
And I mean EXACTLY!!!
Having worked in a Cookware store I can tell you that there isn’t a regulation size casserole dish, they come in almost any size you can think of. She probably meant 9×13, it’s a pretty popular size.
Standard or metric?
i love how the author has one family bring a pie knife and another family bring the pies.
she was scared for amy to bring the knife. she might actually know how to use it.
I’ll gladly make you a bundt cake!
I just love the bit “hey, you’re a married lady, get your cook on, it’s time. But don’t worry, you can do something easy. Just slice up some veg for god’s sake.”
Ahhhhhhhhhh Marney is scaryyyyyyyy
Is this for real? I would have to shove the four pound of green bean casserole down her throat…without a serving spoon!
At least Marney never specified a dress code. Tuxedo T-shirts for the guys and Florida T-shirts with oranges pictured on them for the women! Whoo hoooo!
I think that I AM Marney, LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I sent just sent out a similar letter for Christmas, but with adult activities and craft ideas for the kids.
Don’t be so proud of yourself.
Imagine your family when they read that letter.
Ha, they are thinkin “can’t we just have christmas here this year, Dee must be losing her mind.”
I ADORE this woman. After eating some serious crapola at Thanksgiving I agree with the specifics. Should I ever be unfortunate enough to host, this is how my invitation will read!
Yeah. Because the holidays are all about eating good food. Not, you know, enjoying each others’ company.
My friend’s sister wrote a letter just as nasty to her family regarding what to bring to their reunion about 5 years ago. Well he was supposed to bring jello. ” MARTIN..THIS IS TO BE HOMEMADE! I DON’T WANT YOU TO BRING THE SAME SH@T AS YOU USUALLY DO FROM KROGER’S. YES, YOU ARE DIVORCED, BUT IF WANT TO CONTINUE TO BE A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY YOU WILL NOT BE SO LAZY AND BRING SOMETHING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
He brought an absolutely beautiful Huge Fish Bowl and made blueish, greenish jello and filled it with sardines, little by little..and it was a masterpiece! Those sardines looked like they were swimming in the jello. Their eyes were open of course and they were going in all directions.
He added parsley down at the bottom and like jelly beans (or something) to make it look like a bottom of an aquarium. He said that she literally lost it and screamed at him to leave. They haven’t talked since and is free from this crazy woman! lol
I LOVE Martin!!! That is freakin’ hilarious!!!!
Is Martin still single, because I am in love.
AND I’M NOT JOKING!
*sigh*
Wow. that is hilarious and definitely something I’d do too
And in fact it gives me a marvelous idea for a centrepiece for a birthday party soon 
My friends and I are in need of a bit of silly fun- I suspect my fish will be different though 
Oh my god, that is too funny. I keep cracking up thinking about what that would look like. If anyone duplicates Martin’s efforts here, please send us a photo!
If someone sent me a letter requesting specific items like this person did, I would tell them “That’s a lovely idea!! How do you ever come up with such ideas? I can’t wait to be there!” and then I would just not go. And preferably, I’d call the rest of the family and tell them to do the same thing. Let her be all alone!
WT* is a “regulation size casserole dish”? Is it approved by some sporting event body/institution or something?
I do agree with this part “… as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. ”
There comes a time when you have to join the adults and do more than show up and eat. Unfortunately to many people have to be TOLD this.
Aunt Bonnie?? Is that you? Stop calling yourself Marney now. We know better.
Seriously, this sounds just like my Aunt Bonnie. She means well. It’s how she tries to take care of the family–make everything perfect. I bought her a shirt once that said, ‘I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.’ She laughed. And told me to stir the green beans with a different spoon.
does anyone in that family do what is listed here
and why dont they take turns making dinner
going out for dinner is probably best
what happened to flowers and a bottle of wine that you pick
My future MIL is EXACTLY like this, word for word. AVOID, AVOID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is soooo scary. I am positive this is not a spoof, I have been on the recieving end of emails like this one …
what exactly is a regulation size casserole. who the hell is regulating the size of casseroles?
Thanks for reposting this!! Pure magic!!